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Beginners Tips: January 2014
If I knew then what I do now.
We hear folks say this all the time and the other day I was thinking who else to set me straight but none other than me. So, being the richest guy in the world I hired a team of investigators to locate the best scientists in the world and set them up in a secret location atop a mountain far from civilization and a year later I have what I wanted, a time machine.
So, I put on a disguise and set the machine back to 1970 and there I am. So I sit down next to myself on the bus and say “you still using that old Sunbeam Shavemaster razor your dad gave you?” Huh? How you know that you old fart. For your information it shaves great. I can only feel a bit of stubble after shaving and it tears the whiskers right out. I said ditch it and get a better system like a wet shaving routine. Well I was thinking about one of those new Trac Two razors they just came out with. No, they be terrible. Hey mind your own business, get lost. Hey get your hands off me buddy pow hey I hit me right in the nose.
Well time to set the time machine to 1985 and a new disguise. Yea on the commuter train I see him sitting there, I mean me well anyway hey pal you still using that Gillette cartridge wonder razor. Yea and what’s it too you old man? Well next week your gonna cut yourself real bad and it’s gonna leave a scar right here and pow right in the nose again. Oh and you know that gal you be seeing? Ditch her she’s no good for you.
Well, time to set the machine to 2000. I’ll ambush him at the park with a new disguise. Hey fella you try your first shave with a straight yet. Hey who are you? How you know that. I can see the red marks all over your face. Well I bought this new TI and it ain’t sharp. I’m gonna hone it with my Washita Stone and teach it a lesson. No, don’t do that get yourself a set of Norton hones 1K, 4K 8K and a nice Coticule or Escher and learn how to use them. Get a good hand magnifier and examine the edge and if the bevel doesn’t look good don’t waste time polishing a bad edge. Once you got that bevel developed with the 1K then you can move on to refine the edge. Use the old magic marker trick to make sure you are honing properly. Also stop honing with two hands learn to use one and when you strop stop that dumb wrist flicking. Hey how you know this? You some peeping tom looking in my bathroom window? Pow, right in the nose again.
Well Time to set the machine to 2006 and a new disguise and I see him cutting down that pesky tree in the front yard. Hey fella you ought to stop wasting your money on all those Duble Duck razors and just buy a few new razors and learn to use them before you keep expanding. And, what’s with this hone collection you have? You don’t have a clue how to use them properly and you keep buying more. You’ll never learn to hone like that. You keep buying these Japanese stones and you don’t know a thing about them. You let that creep take you to the cleaners with that Nagura Botan and you think it’s some 30K stone and it’s a prepolisher-dummy. Why do you need 20 12K stones and 10 8K stones and 6 30 K stones anyway? I can also see you have 30 soap containers in the closet. Why you need all these crummy soaps, here’s a list of the best 5 just get those and ditch the rest. So what’s with the crummy lather you be making? You need more water. You have to experiment with the water and soap ratio and watch how you twirl the brush and the pressure you use as you twirl. Also, lose the hard water. That stuff is as hard as nails. If you use that you can shave with Tide. Get a bottle of soft water in the store and your problems will be over.
Now, when’s the last time you checked your older razors for cell rot. I just happen to know you have a pristine Reviser in the second drawer which is being eaten away by rot right now and that DD Gold Mandarin scale is having a feast on the blade as we speak. Hey how you know all this? You be the crook who broke into my house last month? Pow right in the nose again.
Well, when I came back from the M.D and a nose broken in 4 places a new disguise and it’s 2009. Yea I’ll get him waiting at the M.D’s office. Well how’s your shaving going these days? You still stockpiling those shave brushes? Just buy all the 2 banders you can because they will be scarce soon. Also, when you make your lather stop digging the brush into the soap. You’re gonna ruin the hairs and destroy the brush. Also be careful with those razors. Don’t prop them up near the edge of the counter. You wouldn’t want to mess up that new Livi Takeda razor you got and make sure your hands stay dry as you shave so you don’t let a razor slip from your grip and what you doing with those razors when you finish shaving? You had better make sure they are totally dry before you put them up and watch the pivot area for water. Stop using that cooking oil on your storage razors it can get rancid. Get some sterol or even some mineral oil.
Now, while we are on the topic how you got all those nicks on your strops. Keep your elbows up as you strop and stop putting all that gunk on your strops. All you need is the oil from your palm and work it in real good. A pint of neatsfoot on the strop ain’t doing it any good. You know there is no prize for being the fastest stropper in the world. Go slow and easy and watch what you are doing. Keep that strop taught and watch how you control that razor so it stays in contact with the strop and watch how you bring it off the leather because I just know you are rolling the edges of your razors. Oh and don’t buy that Volvo get the Toyota instead. Hey get off my property you weirdo, pow right in the la banza.
Yea, the time machine is dismantled and the funny thing is I seem to recall now that at various times in my life these strange people coming up to me and giving me advice about shaving and you know what? I didn’t take any of it. But, if I had, well…..I’d be in a better way shaving wise but I wouldn’t have learned the things I did through the old hard knocks system.
But I’ll bet you’re not like me and you will take the advice and avoid the pitfalls and calamities right?
