Fisrt SE Shave (very long)
First straight razor arrived from Joe this afternoon. I closed the office door and opened the package. Here it is – longer and thinner handle than expected, and a wider blade too. Cool. Hoping nobody would knock on the door and cause a medical emergency, I put it cautiously to my right cheek with suitably ready three-day’s worth of growth. “Twing, twing!” Ha. Is this what they call a “singing razor”? Well, no time for more fun, let’s get this puppy in the box. We’ll see who does the singing (or squealing?) later tonight.
Several hours later, after a shower to soften up the hair, it’s action time. Let’s do some stropping, that belt I have “distressed” and then abandoned can be finally put to some use. Soak that badger brush, lather up. Things are looking good. Well, let’s do this thing.
I open the blade, turn it around in my hands, position my fingers, put it to my right cheek and do a couple of strokes. Wait! What’s that? I know it’s supposed to be sharp but blood already? Come on. Ah, I get it – it’s the spike point. It caught a couple of times. Ok, now I know why people say:
“Lead with the heel,”
“No pressure,”
“Keep the razor moving,” and
“Round points are like training wheels.”
I forget I am mad at my wife, who knows, might need her to call 911. Or at least the blood donation guys… Why didn’t I prepare the styptic pencil? Yes, there was this axiom that said “If you think you’ll cut yourself you will.” Preparing the styptic pencil seemed like a defeatist move and I thought it would be bad luck, so I left it in the travel bag.Well, guess what, I cut myself anyway. Um, should I get it out now? Nah, let it run…
Cheek is going fine, time to move to the moustache. Oops. I have read about this too:
Q: “Did I just cut myself?” – A: “Yes, you did.”
I know I had the moment the question flached in my mind. OK, here comes the blood again. This time it’s more serious than the spike point catching, it was a bad approach altogether. Crap. But I’m sure I’ll get ised to it. Plan: ignore and continue, there’s no going back. Yes, I’ve heard about people shaving only their cheeks the first time but where’s the fun in that? Living dangerously – this is what straight shaving really is. What normal *young* man with a family, *corporate* job, and a mortgage doesn’t want that?
Moving down to the neck. This is harder than I thought. I find myself doing multiple repeats without lather. Why do I have this brush loaded so well? Use it, moron. Hm, lots of effort, not much real results – neck is still stubbly. Let’s try a more aggressive angle. Uh-oh, more blood. Can’t believe I just did that movement. Of course I’m gonna cut myself in like this. Whatever… Nothing left but to brave on. Wait, I still need to be patient and focused. Otherwise there are going to be more cuts… Yep, like this one. :mad: I look at my face and see my brow covered with tiny prespiration drops. Wow, I wasn’t aware it’s so engaging. And then - what do you know, right side is done. One, two, three… Five cuts all. Ha, I’ve had worse Mach 3 shaves, I distinctly remember 13 cuts, and there’s something in my head about 17. Yeah, baby! I rock!
I’m feeling cocky so let’s try the ambidextrous thing. Nevermind that I don’t do it even with my DE. I would certainly magically acquire the skill to do it with this straight… Seems like a cool thing – to be able to operate a device that can cut you to ribbons with your left hand. I know it can – I just cut myself with it 5 times with my right hand. Let’s do some damage!
One stroke, two strokes, three … Hm, this guy was on to something when he was talking about confidence in the axioms. “If you’re afraid of the razor you won’t master it, it will master you.” Well, who’s your daddy now! This is starting to get embarrassing, left side is almost finished with the left hand, which I have never used before, and I don’t have a single cut. It would have been perfect, if only I hadn’t sliced the right half of my face with the right hand so many times.
Lather up again, second pass. Um, no, not really, I have taken so many motions on the first pass, this might be like a 5th or 6th pass. I know, this is because of the less than perfect angle I am using. It’s getting a little tricky around the Adam’s apple. Things get more sketchy. There we go again on the right side. Horizontal slicing motion? What am I thinking? This is how fish is cleaned. It’s long but shallow, I’ll live…
And I’m finished. Spash the face with hot water and run to the fridge for some ice cubes. Yeah, I forgot to take them to the bathroom before I started – but it has taken me so long that they would have melted anyway. I hope my wife wouldn’t see me like this, tiny blood rivulets streaking down my face. Mission accomplished – and does this feel nice or what! Numb that face!
Eh, we’re close to the end. Often I’d skip aftershave, but this has been a hard day, my skin deserves a treatment. What shall I choose – Bay Rum (no, I used that recently), Gucci (um, can’t trust designer stuff for my skin right now), I know – Nivea sensitive skin balm with camomile and vitamins. Untill I get one of the real old-fashioned aftershaves from the “true shaving” brands. On the Nivea goes, feels quite nice.
Blade is already dry, time to strop a little. Now some alcohol… It’s dry and ready to go back in the box.
One hour later I have already had my last Flying dog and am typing away the saga. Time for a scotch, straight up. On the rocks. I check in the mirror – my face isn’t red anymore.
Aftermath: 40 minutes or so and *only* six cuts (all on the right side). Or was it seven? Who cares, I didn’t even need to use the styptic pencil.
WOHOOO!:D
