Favorite One Liners

I've been having a downer of a weekend and week so far.
So in order to cheer myself up and other members who are having awful weeks like mine, I'd love to hear some funny one liners.

I guess I'll start it off: "I walked into a shop the other day...14 stitches!"
http://badgerandblade.com/vb/images/misc/progress.gif

A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says:

'Why the long face?'

(...badda-bing!...)


-whatever

-Lou

So corny! I love it!:D

I went to the doctor the other day and told him my knees hurt, and he said "I'll tell you why your knees hurt!---you're too FAT!!!", and when I told him I wanted a second opinion, he said.




"OK - you're ugly, too!"

(....I thought that was rude!...)

-whatever

-Lou

Take my wife.....




....please!

They say California is like a bowl of breakfast cereal.......






.....what ain't fruits and nuts is flakes!

I really don't like all this sex on television...I mean I keep falling off!

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!