Thread: Clean jokes

Originally Posted by rolodave

At times, we still say "know what I mean, Vern?"
.

Funny thing is, My name is Vern.

A polar bear walks into a bar and says, I will take a gin....... and tonic.
The bartender says, whats with the big pause?
Polar bear says, what these? ( hold up your hands when telling the joke) ; ) I love this one

There are 2 muffins in the oven, one muffin looks at the other and says holy smokes its hot in here.
The other muffin screams, AAHHH a talking muffin!

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you fine folks enjoy and be safe

I could never write this joke so it's as funny as watching and listening to this. Sorry about the poor video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSi-yCV-gQ4

Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
Becasue he felt crummy

Why did the baby strawberry cry?
Becasue his parents were in a jam

Happy thanksgiving!!!

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?

I hope this works as it's copied and pasted

I've posted it before but I still find it funny.

By GRANDMA

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the nice man behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'for the love of God, GO! GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for the Lord.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there, because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing; Oh My! Even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So I waved to all my sisters and brothers, smiled at them all, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Mick and Paddy were walking by a lumber yard and Mick sees a sign, "Look at dat Paddy,Tree Fellers Wanted". Paddy turns to Mick and says "To be sure, just our luck dere's only da two of us."

An elderly woman turns to her husband in church and says "I just let out a long silent toot, what should I do?"
He responds "change the battery in your hearing aid"

And along the same line...
Those that fart in church have to sit in their own pew

And the Lord said unto Pete "Come fourth and you shall have eternal life"
But Pete came fifth and won a toaster.

Originally Posted by Thug

And the Lord said unto Pete "Come fourth and you shall have eternal life"
But Pete came fifth and won a toaster.

............