Someone Sent This to Me, Email Style
Dear Red States:
We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country,
and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't
aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington,
Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. It may
even include Florida and Ohio, they are seriously considering it.
We've given them until Nov. 4th to decide. We believe this split will
be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new
country. Since we're dropping the middle states we're calling it
United America, or simply the U.A.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave
states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the
Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. You can take Ted Nugent. We're
keeping Bruce Springsteen and Billy Joel. You get WorldCom. We get
Intel and Microsoft. You get Ole' Miss. We get Harvard and 85 percent
of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We
get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay
their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the
Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a
bunch of single moms, and the highest concentration of pregnant unwed
teenagers. Please be aware that the U.A. will be pro-choice and
anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at
once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have
kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no
purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their
children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and
hope that the WMDs turn up, really we do, but we're not willing to
spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire. We'd rather spend it on taking
care of sick people, and educating our children.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80
percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the
pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95
percent of America's quality wines, 90 percent of all cheese, 90
percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal,
all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven
Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. With the Red States,
on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese
Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all
U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of
the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100
percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University,
Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite,
thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah
was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred
unless we're discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44
percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam
was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy Redies believe you
are people with higher morals then we Bluies..
Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt
weed they grow in Mexico.
Peace out,
Blue States
