Thebigspendurs Weekly Shaving Brainbuster #40A
Good morning shaving fiends.
I’ve been so busy lately I feel like a chicken running around with its head cut off. Since we’re having the big Easter bash at my place this year I had to get the place fixed up and go into town and buy all the provisions. In addition to the clan Jethro’s brother Zeke is coming over from Oklahoma with his wife and 15 kids and I’ve been warned since they is dirt poor they take advantage of things and will steal everything that ain’t nailed down. So I had to hide and bury all my shaving stuff and the missus had to hide our heirloom plastic dinnerware. I was told during the dust bowl years their family trapped the topsoil as it blew across the land and after the dust bowl years ended they sold the topsoil back to farmers and made a real killing and that’s pretty much what the family is living off of for many years now. (that’s why they call em dirt farmers-har har)
I stopped off at Uncle Jethro because he was supposed to have taken care of that hog but it was still running around. I asked him what’s going on? He said Baaby and the hog became good friends and he just doesn’t have a heart to do it in now. He said he sent Festus out to find some game and not to worry he’d have it all dressed and over in time. I said, you sent that idiot out by himself to hunt game? No telling what he’ll come back with. Jethro said , I sent him with Mephistopheles, he’ll keep him honest.
Before dinner it was tradition to have this big Easter shindig in town where the clan dresses up like the wise men and they bring all the animals with them and they celebrate the birth of…say what? What you mean that’s the wrong holiday? No wonder people come from all around to see it and stand there and laugh. I thought it was because of Festus’s interaction with baaaby.
I had to go into town and help them close up the shop early and while I was getting ready to leave I hear this knock at the door and open it and there’s nobody there and a few minutes later it does it again (smart alicky kids) but then I look down and it’s the badgers. They want to know if their invited, not only them but the whole city so I thought what the heck so I said OK as long as you bring your own food. They said we’re guests we don’t bring no food. They walked off in a huff. I hope I didn’t make no mistake there.
Deputy Buttkiss stopped and told me they had this situation on the State Highway 666. There was this caravan of cars with Oklahoma Plates and they had blocked the road and wouldn’t let any traffic pass. The State Police came out and these strange people said that was the devils highway and they closed it. I guess they had some standoff and eventually they escorted them back to the state line however as they were leaving the state they noticed something funny about one of the vehicles and when they searched it they found all these white sheets and cans of gasoline and sticks of dynamite so they arrested them all as domestic terrorists. Buttkiss told them it was a crime all by itself to have 15 kids.
Well I wasn’t looking forward to Zeke coming over anyway.
By the time I got back to the ranch the missus had everything taken care of and everything was all set up. Auntie had come over to lend a hand and she brought the chimps with her. Festus had come back with the game. I have no idea what it is, he said it was surprise meat. Just then a pickup pulled up. It was Jedediah the taxidermist and he started chasing Festus with a club. He said Festus stole all this meat out of his garbage bin and he wanted to be paid for it but since it was half rotten Cletus said he could come over and help himself to some loot in the shed.
The rest of the clan came over in their Sunday best coveralls and even Baaaby was wearing a tie and had Napoleons shaving brush handle on her head. They even brought that Hog Mr. Otis with them. I told them to stay away from the General. He don’t cotton much to hogs.
Usually after dinner we have an Easter Egg hunt just that instead of using eggs Cletus sets up some claymore mines and paints them all kinds of festive colors and you have to dig them up without them going off. That’s how our radio D.J Lefty got his nickname. Also Jethro sets up his 50cal rifle up on the hill and we all take turns shooting at the cars going by on the interstate 5 miles away. What you say? That ain’t nice? No, that’s nothing we’re just funning they ain’t real bullets. Just wax filled with fire ants. You ought to see those cars movin around on the road after their hit. Boy those ants are really upset. Usually it’s evening by then so we go back to the ranch and Festus dresses up in his bunny outfit and some fool gets drunk on moonshine and pours it on him and lights him up. We all laugh as he runs around all ablaze. But don’t worry we put him out before any real harm is done.
So the shaving brainbuster for this week concerns, well, Easter. Back in those days how did people shave? What did they use? How did Jesus shave. What? A beard? He didn’t have no beard he was clean shaven. They just a trying to fool you. That’s what the preacher said. Also what kind of aftershave did Jesus use?
Happy Easter ya’all and don’t forget to check out the auctions going on in the razor and newbees forum to support the new technology purchase for SRP. Cletus says if you’re not generous with your bids he’s gonna have to come over and hurt you.
What’s that black SUV coming up the drive-way? Why it’s Mr. Sasquatch and look at him why he….
Check back on Friday for the ecumenical answers.
