Thebigspendurs Weekly Shaving Brainbuster #41

Good morning shaving fiends.

Well that dirty low down no account polecat wise ass bovine bag of bones.…

I had just gotten back from Doc’s sanitarium and was out for a drive and, well you know what happened. Luckily my injuries weren’t too severe, 4 broken ribs, a broken pelvis a broken hip two broken arms a broken leg a severe concussion, back broken in 4 places. Why, Festus gave me a blood transfusion and the next day I was playing soccer outside. Too bad about Deputy Butkiss he seemed to be doing fine and then he woke up one morning an mercy me why he looked like the Hideous Sun Demon. He was so despondent he got Docs big Swedish Hunting Rifle and blowed his head clean off. We wound up hiring that fired Fedex driver in his place. He told me he was gonna get even with that UPS Driver.

I hope Festus did a good job. After that writing experience he told me he is trying to improve himself and enrolled in some in the mail correspondence course. When he finishes in 3 years he will receive a Kindergarten equivalency diploma. I know Mr Sasquatch did a great job though he can be a bit sharp tongued at times. I haven’t had a chance to read either of their posts. The General is gone. Any of you see him? You better not be hiding him. When I find him…

I was talking to Uncle jethro this morning, he’s the Commander-in-Chief of the local private militia. He only got that position because he has the biggest gun but we’re going out on maneuvers and we’re gonna find that mal tempered, lothario and poor excuse for a bull and…

Well, I was just sitting outside the shop whittling as part of my recuperation when Post Mistress Halfwitte came along with a package for me. Yes it was the latest in technology. When I tell you what it is…why…you won’t believe me. It was this little radio not much bigger than a pack of chewing tobacco. It said De Luxe on the outside and 9 transistors and it was made in Japan. It comes with this thing you put in your ear to hear the radio with so no one knows you’re listening. Wow it even has AM and FM. Imagine that what will they think of next. Before you know it they’ll have some device to watch pictures on. Now I can listen to Lefty Gomez on the radio all the time. He plays all the modern tunes featuring all the newest talent. You know people like Perry Como and Vaughn Monroe.

I was really surprised to see Navajo Joe come walking up the street. He said he brought his whole family into town to go to the picture show. Our movie house shows all the latest offerings, strictly first run movies. They were going to see Davy Crockett with Fess Parker. It was the first day for the show so I told them they would have to wait in line for hours.

He stopped to talk a bit and told the kids to go down to Uncle Amos’s Sweet Shop and get whatever they wanted and he would be along directly. He told me my neighbor Cyrus had been at the reservation the other day. Apparently, he had gone to display his prize hog at the reservation fair and his pick-up had broke down and he walked miles trying to get to the nearest road. He walked across this private hunting preserve owned by the tribe and while there ran into a group of Chinese Hunters and when he saw those guys with their big hunting rifles and they approached him why he went berserk and attacked them with the machete he always carries. They had to get the Tribal Police to hold him until the FBI could come get him.

Well I guess Cyrus is in real trouble now. We’ll have to see how this plays out. Navajo Joe went down to the sweet shop to get his family and mosey on down to the movie house.

I went back into the shop and low and behold the clan came in. They related what happened further in Washington. They said that Mr President fella said that everyone knows chimps can’t talk and they certainly can’t sing and give shaves and haircuts. He said it’s obvious the previous administration had hatched a plot to discredit him and had bred and altered some people to appear like chimps. He said that Mr. Vice President guy was behind the entire thing.
However Mr. Sasquatch was prepared. He called the Prime Minister of Canada and he said when they were together a few months ago Mr President was at his house and cooked up the best Chinese Food he’s ever eaten. Also the owner of an oriental food shop said Mr President came into the shop to buy the ingredients for the meal and spoke to him in fluent Mandarin.

When that Mr President heard all that he tried to run away but security caught up with him. Why they tasered him and pepper spayed him and thumped him with a club and carried him away. Then they got Mr Sasquatch and implanted a chip in him and as we know from a few weeks ago threatened him and that Mr President is back in command. If you look closely when he talks you can see the marks on his face through all the makeup where he was thumped.

So the shaving brainbuster concerns my whittling. One of the shipments Cletus got from the UPS truck was a shipment of Master Razors. I was using one for whittling. Do you think that is a good use for that razor? If not how would you hone it? The packing with the razor said supreme quality and there were decals to be applied over the writing on the razor. They seemed to say something like B&B Razor company-Solingen. Hmm.

Check back on Friday for the..hmm…answers.

Oh and what about that Sapphire razor he was talking about, did all of you make one for yourselves? Let me know how it shaves. Mr Sasquatch uses it all the time. He says the razors we use are the product of an inferior society. One of these days I’m a gonna learn to pronounce his first name. He says we’re too stupid to do that. Did you all see his picture? Har Har, what do you think of that?

Oh and next week I’ll have info and pictures concerning the Brainbuster 1 year celebration- competition- and giveaway. I hope that no good, no account, cantankerous, malevolent, devilish critter doesn’t come sneaking around these parts until I’m prepared for him anyway.