Thebigspendurs Weekly Shaving Brainbuster #46

Good morning Shaving Fiends

Well, it’s Memorial Day 1981 and we had a really great time…uh…what you say? 2000 and what? 2010? Heck but all the graves in the cemetery for the folks who died this year says 1981, no wonder the guy who carved them gave us such a good deal. Come to think of it Eustace was telling me the other day he thought something was irregular when he bought his brand spanking new 1981 Plymouth Belvedere last month and the thing looked mighty worn for a brand new car. The dealer gave him a whole $300 off the list price too.

Well whatever year it is it don’t hardly matter anyway things don’t change round these parts anyhow.

Well we always have a big celaba..uh… celorbr..heck you know a good time and this year was no exception. We had the carnival come into town but the folks who run it pretty much stayed in the trailers. The guy who runs it told me while he was getting a shave yesterday that his freaks were scared to come out because they never did see so many folks freakier than them in the whole wide world. When the Shaving Chimp came at him with that razor why he just passed out on the floor after I told him it wasn’t a midget in a suit but a real chimp. Yes we have a new feature at the shop which is turning out to be real popular with the customers. One of the townsfolk spent some time in the big city while he was incarcerated and said they have these fancy restaurants full of these foreign looking people and when they cook your vittles in front of you they have like a little show. So now the shaving chimp does this show where he comes out and starts a twirling and a slicing and a whooping and a hollering with that big straight and they hold Festus against the wall and he throws knives at him missing by inches. The first time he tried it he killed both badgers with a single throw. They don’t come around anymore and to celebrate we bought the biggest baddest Badger shave brushes in the whole world. Why they’re so big the chimp has to make his lather in a toilet bowl, heck I told him to clean it before he uses it and not by peeing in it.

At any rate they have all these rides and things for the youngans. They also have this thing where you have to shoot at all kinds of things and you win prizes just that they give you this puny little .22. Earlier in the day Portafoy brought his chaingun and aced the entire course including the attendants and bystanders.

The preacher usually does this show with his serpents hoping to win converts where he sticks the snakes in your face trying to scare you. A couple of those hippie types I guess was smoking a little too much of that funny stuff and tried to pet them and this puff adder got both. We were watching them as they writhed on the ground making all kinds of contortions. Heck I didn’t know your body could do things like that. I guess they eventually passed on so they just poured some gasoline on them and used them to start the big barbeque. Ate who? Why you think we’re a bunch of canabols or something like that? No we just used them as firestarter. After we ate we had a big dance and Miss Hogslopper was charging a dollar for a kiss and not to be undone Festus had Baaaby there and he was charging ten cents for her to kiss you. The two lines were pretty even and baaaby really took her time (if you know what I mean).

After that we had a big fireworks show and sang songs and…what you say there are no fireworks for memorial day? It’s supposed to be a solemn occasion? But why? Uh… for the troops? What troops is those? What Memorial Day you talking about? We’re celebrating the day they opened up the quarry to make memorials to supply to all the country even if they do all say 1981.

When the missus and I got home the telegraph was going off. It was Jethro he had just come back up from the ground after exploring that tunnel in Oklahoma and he said why that tunnel wound up in…

So the shaving brainbuster for this week concerns…well…if your shaving brush was big enough would you use a toilet bowl to make lather? Cletus say he’s gonna market a line of shaving mugs that look just like a toilet bowl. You want one? It’s gonna come in a custom wood box that looks just like a privy and smells like one too.

Well, this it folks the big one year celebration for the shaving brainbuster and now you have your chance to win the W&B Razor with the custom Oryx horn scales. So you’re all dying to know what you have to do to win right? Well you have to go down to Pensacola Beach in Florida and the one who can pick up the most oil wins-har har-Just kidding.

Well, here’s the skinny. You have to write a letter to Mr Sasquatch and ask him to award you the razor and why you think he should give it to you. All responses will be judged for originality and because Mr Sasquatch is very bright and knows everything be careful with your grammor and spellin and your facts. He don’t cotton to no falsehoods.

Just post your letter in this thread and we’ll let it go until next weekend. I think he’ll be back from Oklahoma by then.

Good Luck.

Dear Mr Sasquatch, Bert,

psstt, it's me. Henk. You know, your buddy from way back, back when those two nasty photographers - what's their name? Pettersun and Gumlin or sumpin? - took that picture of you, with me hiding behind the rock...

You probably wouldn't recognize me after all these years. I've changed. drastically... You know, back in the days, when we were playing around, scratching each others back, grooming our hairs and so, when life was good, I used to have lots of hair, like you, that's what us bigfeet do.. grow lots of hair all day.

I got a little bit fed up with it you know. Always the knots in our hair, the bugs and in those summers it was always waayyyy to hot. Not to mention the missus, she used to complain about the dirt and the dust that got stuck in my pelt and how it always ended up in the bed. And of course, the mess when I had to do nr. 2.. horrible. Also, the way other dudes reacted to me, scared and always running and yelling.. I just wanted to fit in a little more...

So I started shaving. My daddy BigPoppa, you know the old dog, gave me an electric when I turned 18, but my hair was just too much for it. It wasn't for me. So I started using more of those throwaway thinngies those bald guys use, mek 3 something, you know wadd i mean right? But they always used to cut me, make my neck all rashy and bloody and made the missus complain. So I'm back to square one. Just another unshaven bigfoot like my old mate Bert..

Then I found another fantastic place.. it's called the innernet or sumpin.. Read lots of good stories about us, some true, some false, some made me laugh pretty good.. Anyway, in 2007 I was just cruisin by myself in Pennsylvania and they photographed me and started saying I looked like a bear and all and I got kindof sad about it and I looked up a place called SRP, I think it stands for Sasquatch Razor Place and this is where I finally realized that the solution was.

I started doing this str8 razor thing and now, I'm all bald and without hair and no bugs and nr 2 stuff and the missus is really happy cause I don't tickle anymore when cuddling and no more stinky dirt and people they kindof like me now too. And I'm loving it :y you know how I always was a littlebit different than the other hairballs around us

So uhmm, I only have one problem. SInce I'm new to this razor thing and I love it, I'm shaving all the time and you now with all the hair I have and stuff, the razor gets dull pretty soon and I'm afraid I'll go back to my hairy old self soon so I was wondering if I could borrow your razor for a while since obviously you're not using it... Maybe get a feel for other razors that's out there so I can build a little collection for myself and find out what works and what doesn't. I got some places on my back with real thick stubble that needs to go and your razor looks like it's up to the task.

So, Bert, how about helping an old buddy out? Of course, I understand if you don't want to send it to me, maybe you wanna start shaving yourself too. In that case, come visit me sometimes and we'll have ourselves a good shaving party and reminisce about when we were both young and good looking, and the chicks' leghairs would stand up in exhilaration when they saw us strong dudes rocking in the mountains.

Hope this letter reaches you.

Oh, and if you're not Bert, I apoligize, my mistake..

Your old pal Henk

Greetings Mr. Sasquatch.

Your offer could not have reached me at a better time. I am currently sailing back to my home port, but alas, a very precious item was lost. I was getting ready to leave Port Royal, reflecting on when the best time would be to hoist up the Jolly Roger, when your message reached me.

On my way to my regular business destinations, I intercepted a rum cargo. I graciously made the return trip for the captain & his crew much easier by ensuring they were relieved of such a burdensome freight.

The rum was partially used to ensure every mate on the ship their ration, and we planned to sell the remaining cargo once at destination. The resulting pieces of eight would make future trips very comfortable.

We crossed another ship, this time it was filled with freshly cut leaves. The smell was very pleasing, but again, it was a burdensome freight. As any fine gentleman would have done, I made sure that their ship could navigate with a safe waterline.

Alas, because of our generosity towards both sea captains, we had no more space in the cargo deck. First mate Bloodsmear suggested we put the leaves (which were bound together & marked as pimenta racemosa) on the deck until we get to port, but Soggy Bones convinced me to put the leaves IN the rum barrels. We did this immediately.

You were wondering if I'd use a toilet bowl to make lather if my brush was large enough? Well, no. The latrines on our ship are not suitable for such action. Unless I stumbled upon Moby Dick & he requested a shave, I don't see why I would use such a large brush.

While having one of their daily fights, Soggy Bones knocked over a barrel or rum & the entire ship was fresher than it was on its first day at sea. We decided to keep the rum & sell it in when we'd arrive at the next port in the West Indies.

This brings me to your offer: The precious item I lost is my beloved razor. I have been growing a beard for the past months & other sea captains are not taking me very seriously when I offer to help them with their burdensome cargos. If I could have your razor, I would be able to gain back my lost credibility. Also, it would be a great occasion to try our new rum, to see if it can be as beneficial to my cleanly shaven cheeks as it was to my ship after Soggy Bones fought on the cargo deck.

I hope to hear from you before we reach port.

Regards,

John Rackham (Calico jack).

Mr Sasquatch will be back tomorrow so he hasn't seen them yet but I guess all the other guys figured these two letters were so good they were just ashamed to write more. I guess their writting isn't none too good eh?

Mr Sasquatch wanted me to pass to you this info after he read the two letters.

He said the first contained too many falsehoods and he didn't like that. Why it made him seem like some uncouth animal not the debonair chap he is. Its obvious the writer is some common monkey from the jungle.

He was entertained by the second. He likes a story and adventure so Glenn24 is the winner of the big one year brainbuster giveaway. So the winner PM me with your complete mailing address and I'll send the prize your way.

Yaahhr !

I will finally be taken seriously by the next captains that I shall meet at sea. Thank you so much for the razor. I won't forget you Mr. Sasquatch, you can be assured of safe passage when sailing in the west indies. Just mention my name, and you shall be saved from walking the plank.

I hope my cheeks shall enjoy the rum that I will try when I'll throw the anchor into the next bay I come across. I think I'll call it Bay Rum.

Regards,
Calico Jack.

A nicely shaven monkey Mr Sasquatch, please extend me the courtesy of saying that...
congratulations Mr Glenn 24 on your fine acquisition!

congrats. I don't know how sasquatch slipped past the traps i laid for him on all routes out of oklahoma