Thebigspendurs Weekly Shaving Brainbuster #50
Good Morning Shaving Fiends
Saturday morning and it’s too early to be getting up. The missus is poking me saying the tele is going off. So I stumble out of bed looking for my robe and she’s saying what you need your robe for who’s gonna see you. I said well look that darn horse is looking in the window and I see him laughing. She went back to sleep.
Ok, Ok I’m a coming. It’s Cletus and he wants me over like right now. So I get dressed and fire up the Studebaker and get over there and there a whole crowd there. Postal Mistress Halfwitte and the whole clan and some neighbors, even baaaby is jumping up and down. Yep Cletus got his check in the mail from Gillette. Now he’s a multimillionaire. He says I got plans lets go. I said go where? He said to town to the bank. So we go down to the last national bank of…and the manager looks at the check and starts laughing. He says we don’t cash anything bigger than $100.00 here. That’s all the money we have. He said we had better go into the County Seat for this. Cletus was already in the car as we chugged off and drove the 50 miles.
He said after we cash this check we’re gonna go over to Big Bubba’s Ford World and buy a new car. I already told him I was a coming. So we go to the bank and Cletus goes in to transact business while I go into the latrine to relieve myself and when I come out the Sheriff is hauling him away. Something about no one looking like him could possibly have a check like that, it must be stolen. I went to the police station to vouch for him and they arrested me too. Something about being a confederate. I told him our family was always with the Union never the south.
Well we called Big Bubba and he came over and vouched for us and Big Bubba took us right to the bank where they accepted the check and even took our picture with the manager and then Bubba took us to his dealership in a big Limo…er…limab…heck you know a big fancy automobile. Well, when we got there we spent some time shooting the breeze and after a few chaws of tobacco and a few shots Wild Turkey we was ready to conduct some good old fashioned horse trading. Cletus told him what he wanted and Bubba said even though he doesn’t do sales anymore on account of him being the big boss he was going to take care of us real personal like.
So Cletus told him what he wanted and Bubba said I have just what you want. I’ve been saving it here under wraps for just the right kind of folks and I can see you is them. The tarp is so no one else would buy it because if they seen it, it would be gone in a heartbeat. So he takes us out to the lot and pulls the tarp off and why Cletus’ eyes became like giant saucers. It was his dream car. It was a brand spanking new Ford El Ranchero. It was red with white trim and big huge whitewall tires. I said to Cletus, I thought they stopped making these things a couple years ago, this can’t be new. However, Big Bubba came over and set my mind at ease. He showed me the odometer only had 15 miles on it and the engine looked brand spanking new and he explained you can always tell because the serial number was a secret code no one knew except special people and he shared that with us proving it was brand new. Yes we bought that right off the lot. Yes Bubba’s real fine people. He gave us a great deal. Cletus only paid $40,000 for it. He even threw in a free tank of gas and a car wash and detailing. I was sitting in the car and noticed it had a real radio in it, can you believe that? Why I could hear Lefty Gomez on the A.M. The most amazing thing is you can turn this little knob and flip a switch and real cold air comes out of the dash. Now how they do that? Cletus says there’s an icebox in the back and there’s a midget in there and he blows cold air into the car.
I followed him home but we didn’t make it because it broke down. So we towed it back to Bubba’s. He said who are you guys? We said we just bought this vehicle from you. He said I never seen you guys before in my life, get out of here before I call the police. I said wait a minute I have a receipt but it was a blank piece of paper. I knew it had writing on it just an hour ago. He said this thing is junk. He said he only sells quality vehicles and would never sell something like that. You need a new transmission. Cletus punched him in the nose and kicked him in the groin. Then they called the police. The Chief was Bubbas brother and the mayor was his brother-in-law. They escorted us out of town and warned us never to come back again. I towed it back into town.
We dropped it at the car shop so now they’re a gonna fix it up. It needs a new Transmission, new motor, new exhaust system, new wheels and tires,new brakes, new radiator and a new radio and the chassis is almost completely made of bondo. But I still like that cold air.
So the shaving brainbuster for this week concerns that midget in the trunk of that El Ranchero. Well of course I know there ain’t no midget in the back but it made me a wondering. If there was a midget how would he shave? Would he have to get a…er…midget razor or could he use a meat chopper or how could he wield something like that. Maybe a 3/8s but it’s still kind of long. Maybe a custom made just for him. What do you think?
I still want to know where that cold air comes from. I asked Mr Sasquatch but he just looked at me kind of funny and walked away shaking his head.
Check back on Friday for the short answers.
Oh and by the way. We went back to that Bubba fella later that night. We tied him up real good and tied him in a chair and we went over to the preacher’s house by the lake. I asked him if he ever cheated anyone before. He said no sir, never. I said well good then because when we throw you in the lake you’ll float being the righteous man you must be and then when the preachers serpents verify that you’ll be a free man.
Well we threw him in the lake and you know what? He sunk. Well we fished him out and one of the preachers less poisonous snakes a Water Moccasin (coincidentally named Bubba) bit him on the butt. Then I poured a bottle of that fancy French aftershave on him and he started praying harder than any man I ever did see. So he said he would repent and never again cheat anybody. We took him home with the preacher reciting Scripture to him all the way.
The next morning there was a brand spanking new super heavy duty Ford 4x4 pickup quad cab with every imaginable feature and option on it sitting right in the driveway. It even had a giant bow on it and inside was a suitcase with $20,000 dollars in it. Jethro was a happy man but Cletus still wanted his El Ranchero
