Thebigspendurs Weekly Shaving Brainbuster #51
Good morning shaving fiends
Well, it’s a fine morning the sun is out and the birds are singing and I know it’s going to be a mighty fine day today. The missus gave me a shopping list so I have to stop off on my way into the town by the clan’s place to get those home grown vegetables she wanted. Ya know folks there ain’t nobody with a bigger green thumb then Auntie. She can grow the finest vegetables in the State. Yea when she cooks up a batch of Elk Stew in the fall those folks are licking their chops for more.
As I got out of the Studebaker I noticed Jethro carrying suitcases into the pickup and Baaaby is standing there crying something fierce. I asked Festus what was going on. He was all excited. He said he was on that SRP site the other day and saw this thing about how to get a brand new extra special shaving strop made out of Yak Hide. He said he was the first selectee and he was off to Tobet. I said what you going there you never bet and I ain’t never seen you gamble either. Why I remember……he said no not Tobet it’s Tibet it’s just south of Texas. I said so what you gonna do there. He said well the main thing is I’m a gonna take care of a bunch of goats. I’ll be gone three months so do me a favor and take Baaby over by Mephistopheles. The two had become great friends anyway (and you know how horses are with goats anyway) and they’ll pal around while I’m gone. I said how you gonna get there? He said Pa’s gonna drive me into the big city and I’m gonna fly. I said now the last time you tried that you jumped off the barn with those stupid wings on look where that got you. He said no I’m gonna take a real aeroplane. He said Mr Sasquatch had given him a Satellite Phone so he’ll be in touch. I said cool. That boy just might never come back.
Well, I get into town and went to the barber shop and they was doing a great business so I just sat outside and was whittling as I ate my lunch. Eustace stopped by and we was a jawing for a time and I noticed this UPS truck go by and there was two fellas in it. There were a driver and another fella with a big shotgun. He was shouting insults to everyone as he drove by something about Big Brown having something for you dummies. They stopped at the only traffic signal in town and old Charlie Pitune was walking by and this fella started yelling at him and berating him and acting in a very disrupt…disrepec..uh ..you know what I mean. He wasn’t very nice and kept aiming that gun at old Charlie. Old Charlie in his younger days used to be a porter and water boy for some big college football team in Texas and they kind of took him under their wing and taught him how to be a quarterback but he never liked wearing a helmet and he couldn’t catch too good and too many balls bouncing off his head affected him. These days he’s a walking one man military platoon. So he approaches the truck and says to those two fellas, you boys gonna use that shotgun or whistle Dixie? Well that fella says I’m gonna blow your head into next Sunday. Old Charlie pulls a hand grenade from his pocket and lobs it into the truck. Why a second later that truck was gone. Those fellas was blown to smithereens and folks were scrambling to get what they could from those packages. Why a box landed at my feet and it was one of those little radios. But they ain’t gonna fool me this time. I know they only last a day or so and then they stop working and you have to throw it away and buy another.
Well, while Vasoline was cleaning up the carnage in the street he got a call that there was a riot or something at the General Store. We all went running down there. These folks had this young guy and they was a fixing to tar and feather him and run him out of town on a rail, that is if we had a railroad which we don’t. I asked Chet what was going on. He said this fella was a salesmen for Gillette and he had just put up a display for some new fangled razor they was selling and someone told him we’re all straight shavers here and he called the town a bunch of idiots and they should rename the town moronville and that started the ruckus. By the time Vasoline got over there he was already tar and feathered. I guess someone in the crowd asked him to whistle the Gillette theme song and he couldn’t do it and every time he failed they kicked him in the butt another time. They kicked his butt out of town and told him to use his fancy razor to shave the feathers off. Yea that was some sight I’ll tell you. That fella was real meek once he had the feathers on.
Apparently, during the ruckus outside Mr Sasquatch stole the display with all the razors. I said what you gonna do with those? He said because of the alignment of the blades and the battery powered circuit if you wire up a bunch of these razors in a series with the right power source and the right housing they can be used to send and receive signals to and from outerspace. He said this is just what he needs to communicate with those space aliens. He said as a matter of fact this here razor is the basis of all manner of advanced technology inventions. Why it can eventually be used to power a space ship.
While he thought I wasn’t looking I saw him trying to shave with one of those things. He cut his whole face up. Mr Smarty-pants.
Yep, it’s a fine day. The sun is out and the birds are singing. Just the kind of day that makes you glad you’re alive. I imagine tomorrow our daily newspaper the daily rag will have the whole story somewhere in its 10 pages.
So the brainbuster for this week concerns Jethro and that strop. Do you think they can make a strop out of Yak hide? That sounds silly to me. He said the strop is really thick and yet soft and supple. Now how can you do that?
Check back on Friday for the yak-yak answers.
And next week we’re a gonna go on vacation. The missus and me, jethro, auntee,Cletus, Mr Sasquatch, Baaby, the two chimps and a badger and that new Ford Pickup we got.
