Thebigspendurs Weekly Shaving Brainbuster #58
Good morning shaving fiends
Well it didn’t look too good for us. Yea, we was pinned down and the badgers were probably being chowed down by those mangy coyotes. That bigspendur fella was on the roof of his house yelling at us saying if we don’t surrender he was gonna finish us off because he had traps with fire ants scattered around the property and they was gonna attack us. Mr Sasquatch had wandered off before this all started, the dirty coward. I guess he had gone up in the mountain a few miles behind the house and had started pushing giant boulders down the slopes of the mountain and they started rolling by and one broke this flood control dam and this raging torrent came down the gully and filled it rite quick. We backed off and that bigspendur fella was washed away down into the Rio Grande and all those fire ants were thrown up on top of the house and they started biting him. I could hear him screaming from miles away. Yea we scavenged the property in the morning and recovered a treasure trove of shaving gear. We also found out he was a no good rat. He always claimed to be the richest guy in the world and it turns out he had a printing press in the basement and he was printing his own money.
We was about to leave and low and behold the badgers were waiting for us. I said I thought you guys were eaten by the coyotes. They said no it was the other way around we let them take us to their home and when we got there we ate their pups and bit the rest of them to death. They wanted us to go back to the scene of the carnage and skin the carcasses. They was gonna make a line of coyote hair shaving brushes.
As we got back on the road which followed the Rio Grande we passed that bigspendur fella on top of the remains of his house as it floated down the river. Yea the chimps started taking pot shots at him from the van. You should have seen him dancing on top of his house.
Well just about then that satellite phone went off and it was Festus. He said now he had thousands of goats following him and obeying his commands. He said he went into a village and the folks there begged him to make it rain cause it hadn’t rained in months and their crops were dying and the goats started digging and they dug up a huge well. Now they’re a saying he can work miracles and they bow down to him. I said when are you gonna get to Tobet. He said I don’t need to go there I have a lot of work to do in these parts. Yea, some petty dictator had him arrested and while he was telling festus how he was gonna torture him to death these snakes jumped out of festus’s pocket and bit the guy to death right there. So they fear him now and let him go.
Well, we was back on the road again and Mr Sasquatch wanted us to stop at this place where they have all these funny looking dish shaped things sticking out of the desert. While we was waiting Sasquatch and Swampy took the proglide array and attached it to one of these do dads and then went into the control room and they started communicating with those space aliens. Sasquatch begged them to come to earth and take Swampy away he couldn’t stand it any longer. When he came back I asked him what happened but he wouldn’t say much but he wasn’t happy. Yea, Swampy told him she wanted a cold drink and he said where do expect me to get a cold drink in the middle of the desert? She said you’re so smart, I don’t care but I want it and I want it now. Then she picked up a stick and started thumping Sasquatch on the head with it and he tried to run away but she just ran him down. We was all laughing our butts off. The chimps thought it was so funny they started mimicking them. Even the badgers thought it was hilarious. Baaby was too sad after finding out about Festus.
Swampy finally got tuckered out so we was able to continue our trip. We stopped at a pecan Plantation but while they was giving the tour the chimps started swinging through the trees and throwing pecans at the folks down below. The driver of the tractor was knocked out and the tractor went into a propane tank which blew up and we was able to pick up all those toasted nuts. Boy they was tasty.
We made another stop at a wild bird sanctuary which is on the rio grande. The badgers started chasing the birds around along with Baaaby and Jethro was trying to hit the birds with his sling shot as they flew off. Just then we spied that bigspendur fella still atop the remains of his house as he floated by. Yea he was singing a different tune by now. He was meek, real meek.
We spent the night at a camp ground and built a huge bonfire and we sat around and toasted nuts and marshmallows and sang songs and got drunk and then a big wind came up and started a brushfire and burnt down the whole place along with 30 or so vans. Lucky we got out of there in the nick of time.
So the shaving brainbuster for this week concerns that fire at the pecan grove. We recovered a bunch of wood. Do you think pecan wood will make good brush handles and razor scales? Any special treatment for the wood before we can use it?
Check back on Friday for the homecoming answers.
