Thebigspendurs Weekly Shaving Brainbuster #60
Good morning shaving fiends
Well when I woke up it was night and after I picked myself up off the floor I realized the Missus was gone. I looked all over for her but she was nowhere in sight. Then I noticed a couple of Badgers sitting on a rock and I asked them what was up. They said they was forced to help Brutus. He had kidnapped the missus and was holding her for ransom. I asked them what he wanted and they said to tell you the truth we don’t know but if you bring 1000lbs of feed we’ll take you to him and you can parle with him. I said what if I don’t do it? They said well he’s a gonna start carving the missus up piece by piece and feed the parts to the hogs.
So I got in the Studebaker and went to the only one who could help me. I went to the Res to find Navajo Joe. Yea when I got there he was sitting there in front of his Hogan smoking peyote and laughing his butt of at me. He said I understand you got yourself in a predicament. I said you mean you heard about it already. He said of course. We’re in tune with our environment and nothing happens we don’t have the skinny on. You paleface are a bunch of chumps. I said right now I don’t need no Indian mumbo jumbo I need to find the missus. He said yea and she’s on the res. I said well, take me to her. He said nope I can’t do that. He said you messed with the wrong bull this time holmes. I said a bulls a bull and they’re just big and stupid. He started laughing. He said sit down and let me cue you in while I get the old peace pipe fired up.
He said you see many many years ago before you guys came here and invaded our territory and murdered us and brought your diseases we lived a simple existence and we relied on the buffalo to provide everything we needed. Even though we killed them we respected them and we used everything we could from them and we revered them. Then you guys come and just kill them off and screwed us and everything else. Well, you see there was always this lineage amongst the buffalo for the special great white buffalo who is a God to us and this dude you call Brutus is actually descended from that line. I said he ain’t white and he ain’t no buffalo he’s just a demented bovine. Joe said yes but he is the closest living descendant and he has our protection and besides once you get to know him he’s really a mild-mannered sort of chap.
So I said what does he want from me? Well, he said you made a slave of his brother and then you murdered him and ate him so he wants revenge from you. I said that’s the most ridiculous thing I ever heard of in my life. I said you take me to him and I’ll chop his head off. He said no we can’t do that. You have to negotiate with me in the meantime you better get that 1000lbs of feed he wants to show him you are willing to negotiate in good faith. Well I left the res and remembered those secret caves Joe had once showed me and I reckon that’s where Brutus is right now.
Well on the way there the satellite phone rang and it was Festus. I said why your just the man I need right now. He said the goats told him I was in a heap of trouble and better not try any smart moves. He knew all about Brutus and said he wasn’t any ordinary bull. So I said what’s your recommendation? He said the goats told him to get Swampy and Baaaby and exchange them for the missus. So I went back to the compound and loaded up baaaby and told swampy I’d take her for a ride in the country. She said she wasn’t gonna go anywhere, her favorite programs were coming on and Sasquatch was cooking dinner for her and she loves to eat bon bons while watching the show. I told her I had a real surprise for her. She said she can’t resist surprises. So we headed off and yea I was right when we got to the caves and marched up the hill there he was. He said where’s my feed? I said I brought you better two companions. So he let the missus go and kept the other two. Baaaby was happy swampy wasn’t. So he said comeback in three days and we’ll negotiate.
The next morning there was a knock on the door. It was Navajo Joe and he said to come collect the hostages. I said I thought he wanted to talk about his demands. He said you outsmarted him. He said he couldn’t take it any longer. Swampy was driving him crazy and was physically abusing him and messing with his head. It was torture plain and simple. If only I would take her back he would agree to drop all demands and stay on the res. So I collected Sasquatch and we drove over to the Res just that half way there he said I don’t want her back Brutus can keep her. I said this is going to mess up my deal with him besides she’s your woman. So we went over to Joe’s place and told him of our new problem. He said the tribe already knew about Swampy and they didn’t want anything to do with her either however his relations up in Colorado at the Ute tribe would probably take her because she looked like one of their Gods. So he called them up and they agreed to it. They said they would make her the doorman (woman) at their casino and she could stay there. She could also deal with the unruly customers.
So we all met up there. Yes it was some site this secret magical cave and Brutus and Baaaby and Sasquatch and Swampy and Navajo Joe and the Chief of the Utes. So we all sat around and parle’d for a while and passed the peace pipe around and smoked some peyote and ate some magical mushrooms and Swampy passed out and they carried her off. Yes Mr Sasquatch was the happiest man in world. He was dancing all around. All the way back home he kept chuckling to hisself and making like he was talking to Swampy but filling in what she would have said.
When we got back the first thing he did was burn down her house and everything she had. I said what you gonna do now when the space aliens come? He had a nervous look on his face. I said you better stop shaving and grow your hair back you look like a fool. Oh and the missus? She’s ok she said brutus was really a fine gentleman as long as he doesn’t here your name or see your picture. If he does he goes berserk.
So the shaving brainbuster for this week, well, I was thinking while I was under the influence of those mushrooms and the peyote it gave me some great ideas for some brush handles and razor scales. Some really unique designs but I need to be under the influence again when I make them. Is it OK to do that while I’m using all those big power tools? And that big woodchipper, it makes me dizzy when I’m sober. Besides I think I saw something on that straight razor site about some guy who uses power tools in some reckless way. Now what was his name? Oh I think it was lefty.
Check back on Friday for the stupefied answers.
