Thebigspendurs Weekly Shaving Brainbuster #61
Good morning shaving fiends.
Well it’s nice that everything is all in place and back the way it should be. I was over to the shop yesterday and they was giving shaves and haircuts like there was no tomorrow. The singing chimp has become jealous of the shaving chimps abilities and is learning to shave the customers just that he ain’t too good at it. Also since Festus left, the organ grinder routine had to be stopped so he had nothing to do but cause mischief. First he spring loaded the barber’s chair and Chi-Chi was sent flying through the front window and then he took the pins out of the straights and the blades fell on the floor. The last straw was when he put super glue on the strops. So Cletus had a great idea. That fella who had been incarcerated in the big city was in for a trim the other day and was talking about those barber colleges where them city slickers learn how to take care of folks and you can go in there and get a haircut or shave for a real bargain price so Jethro and Cletus made a small area with a sign saying barber college and let the singing chimp do his thing. Since he sings Italian Opera while he works the folks think they are getting a great deal for a couple of bucks. We made sure there are no mirrors in that area. He hasn’t seriously injured anyone yet so I guess it’s working out.
Mr Sasquatch has been hard at work since he rid himself of Swampy. I saw Joe yesterday and he says the Ute’s are glad she’s there. They’re turning her into a tourist attraction something about a real living God. Sasquatch said he’s done trying to contact those space aliens. He said he received a communication from them and apparently his signal made it to their world and he didn’t realize it but riding along with that signal from his proglide array was the Gillette Jingle and a built in advertisement. Now they want to know how they can get the best a man can get and are threatening to invade this world to get the best shaving system in the universe-Har har.
On my way out of town yesterday Vasoline told me to stop at the office. When I got there Gunter from the livestock board was there and he was accusing me of setting all the bulls free. I said I don’t know what you’re talking about. He said one of the bulls that ran off spilled the beans and said what happened. Now they want me to pay for those bulls. I told them it was Brutus’s fault but they all love him. I took Cletus home and on the way we stopped at Pepe’s Big Bruit Motors. Cletus ordered hisself a custom truck. It’s a Customized kenworth Tractor with a rear compartment that’s like a house with all the comforts of home. I can’t wait for him to get it so we can travel in it. There’s even a special trailer for all the animals. It normally sells for $200,000 but because of all the custom work and paint and the solid gold fixtures and rush order Cletus paid $250,000 for it. I told him a nice extra large pair of bull horns would look good on the front grill. He said now don’t you start with Brutus. You better leave him alone. He made a deal with me and supplies me with unlimited cow horn in prime condition and also gets me stag antler too. I told him you’re all a bunch of suckers and he’s gonna take control of all of you.
On the way home the satellite phone rang and it was Festus. He wanted to know how things worked out with the missus. I told him she was back home safe and sound. He said you’d better be careful. That bull spends all his time plotting against you and he’s not done with you yet.
He said he’s got thousands and thousands of sheep and goats with him and some other critters he’s not even sure what they are. The other day he was summoned to the leader of some country and the leader asked him what his intentions were. He didn’t trust him. Festus set his mind at ease by telling him he was gonna make him a rich man. So the animals started circling this area in the desert and Festus told him to dig there and they found a huge diamond mine. So this leader told Festus he was welcome to stay in his country and have his home there and be an honorary citizen but Festus said he has other work to do so he moved on.
When I got home the missus was in a tizzy. She said she’s been holed up in the house all day a bunch of Black bears was in the barn. I went back there and they said I was in big trouble. I brought this monster bull into these parts and now he’s terrorizing all the animals in the forest. He’s making the bears pay him protection money otherwise he can’t guarantee their safety. They said they was staying on my property and they wasn’t leaving and the word is for all the animals to come here. They’s a gonna eat me out of house and home.
Over the next few days I started seeing all sorts of animals on my property. They said it’s up to you to make a last stand against this marauding bovine or you’re a gonna have an awful lot of crazed wild animals on your property and we can’t be responsible for what might happen. That night the missus and I packed up and walked out on foot. We didn’t get too far. A couple of badgers said where do you think you’re going? I said err for a walk in the night air, it does a body good. They said you better get back home. They had an army or porcupines sitting there ready to shoot their quills at us on command.
Well when it rains it pours. When we got back to our house the telegraph was going off and it was vasoline. He was over at the compound and they had just been notified that big spender fella had broken out of jail. He had secreted some straight razors in his body and attacked the guards and now he was on the run and they found a map to our place. In addition to that our former neighbor Clem had broken out of the insane asylum. Apparently some guys said they saw a giant bull tear a hole in the wall for him but they think they’re all crazy people there so they didn’t believe them. Clem’s wife said he thinks I robbed his belongings after he left.
So now they recruited a couple of beavers to chew down all the telegraph poles so now we’re isolated from the world.
Well I guess we’re in a heap of trouble now. I’m sorry I ever came back from vacation. Maybe I should go to the Ute’s and stay there. Hmm, that gives me an idea…
So the shaving brainbuster for this week concerns those space aliens. Do you think they really need to shave? What would they use anyway? Maybe they have 6 arms and 8 feet and two heads. Why they would need two seven day sets just to shave every day. Also there’s some strange looking dude walking around the property. He says his name is Lucifer and some guys at that shaving site sent him to my place. What do you think he wants? He keeps saying he wants a cool drink he’s all hot under the collar and asking me if I want to go meet the “big guy”.
