Thebigspendurs day of reckoning
The Rumble in the Forest.
Good morning shaving fiends
Well here I was standing in the middle of this group of crazed wild animals feeling like those dudes back in the time of the Romans who been thrown to the lions. Yea my butt was grass and I was in a giant lawnmower.
That bigspendur fella asked Brutus what he intended to do. Brutus said well you know I was so intent on catching him and taking my revenge on him I…em…err… don’t rightly know what I’m going to do with him. I think I’ll err…umm…stomp on him for a while and then toss him on my razor sharp horns for a little while longer. The Bear stepped up and said you know what this guy was partly responsible for the demise of my brother and the serious burning of my nephew. Brutus said what you wanna do to him? He said well I think I’d like to…umm… maul him real good. Maybe,,, tear his scalp off and move parts of his face around. Then the Mountain Lion stepped up and said well he killed my cousin and my wife. So Brutus says well what do YOU want to do to him. The Lion says well maybe I can dig my claws into his butt and just tear it off and then I’ll take his scalp off. The bear said you’s a bunch of trouble makers. You guys are always attacking those cattle and the ranchers blame us and go hunting us and now you want to steal my fun away from me. Then the Badger stepped up and said now wait a minute. All these guys have been murdering us for many many years just to get our fur and this guy has a collection of brushes, well that spender fella starts backing away and the Badger says yea you too you’re the worst offender you and that bunch or murdering straight razor shavers at that shaving site of yours. Brutus says well what ,,,do you,,,, want to do to him. The Badger said well to be honest, with all you big ferocious animals here we didn’t think we milquetoasts had a chance to get in to the fun. Hey guys what should we do to him? …conference…conference… we want to chew all the hair off his body and maybe his fingers and toes too. Then that Bigspendur fella says now wait a minute I’ve been tracking this dude for a long time. Why they had me trampled by Buffalos and they dragged me through cholla cactus and they had fire ants bite me and they destroyed my house and had me sent to prison. So Brutus says well what do you want to do to him. He says, well I’d like to give him a straight shave close around the shoulders. The Bear says if you do that, well, he only has one head what can I do then? The mountain Lion says you see how you are always thinking of yourself. Baaaby was standing in the corner and says yea he sent my best friend away from me and now I can’t even get a good straight razor shave anymore. I think you ought to chop him up into little pieces and each of you can have a piece to play with. Brutus said why that’s a terrible idea there would be too little for each of us to play with. Clem had been sitting on the sidelines real quiet and finally he spoke up. He said this guy was responsible for my going to the crazy house. He’s been sending messages to me in my head making me think I’m crazy. All the animals shouted to him-sit down dude you are crazy.
Then Brutus turns to the clan and the missus and says well, what do you guys have to say about this? Jethro says well, I never seen him before in my life. Auntie says I broke my spectacles. I can’t even see his face. The missus says yea he loves to go outside and torture little animals. I also told him he’s a gonna have some pay back time for that. The Porcupine says you know my brother said some human’s been torturing the youngans. It must be him. Brutus says well, okay now what do YOU plan on doing to him. He says we’re a gonna line ourselves up and a hundred of us are gonna shoot our quills all over his body. Yea the skunk got involved to and said we’re a gonna spray him real good.
Well those porcupines got so excited they started spraying their quills all over the place hitting the bear in the face and the Mountain lion in the butt and the bear tried chowing down on one and the skunks started spraying everybody. One of the badgers got it in the eyes and he jumped on the Mountain Lion and started chewing on him. That spender fella took of running just the porcupine thought he was the wrong person and he got a butt full of quills as he ran off. Clem went crazy and started running all over the place and when Brutus tried to calm him down well one of the trees one of the beavers was chewing on came down and hit Brutus on the head putting him in a daze.
Yea it was a real free for all those wild animals going at it tearing each other apart. I ran out of there and as I did I locked the gate leaving the clan and the missus locked in there with all of them. Yea I could hear them screaming from a mile away.
I went into town and went into the shop. Sasquatch was in there with the chimps and they was playing strip poker with Miss Hogslapper. I said what you playing that with them for they don’t wear no clothes. They got nothing to lose. She said I thought something seemed dishonest about this.
I told Sasquatch and the chimps what happened up at the compound. The chimps thought it was funny but Sasquatch didn’t. He said you know what you’ve gone and done now? I said yea I saved my butt-har har. He said no you just put all the animals in the forest at each other’s throats. There won’t be any peace around these parts for a long time. All the animals who should be cooperating with each other won’t. He said now I guess I’m going to have to go up there and mediate a peace treaty. Talking about peace treaties just about then I noticed Navajo Joe come in the shop and he wasn’t happy. He said there was great distress in the natural order of things and in the old days the only way to satisfy the Gods was with a sacrifice. I said who you have in mind? He said who started all of this? I said it’s wasn’t my fault they was just a bunch or natural enemies and they started bickering among themselves.
Just then that Bigspendur fella comes in to have Miss Hogslapper pull the quills out of his butt and says you know this is all the fault of that on line shaving site. Those members they are all to blame for this and I have a plan to exact the ultimate revenge on all of them why I’m gonna….
Well, mercy, what is he talking about? Is he some deranged straight razor shaver who’s had one too many cases of razor burn or maybe he had a bad case of Laparitis or maybe he was cheated on Eboy or maybe he dropped his brand new custom razor on his concrete floor or maybe some pesky moderator b…b…b…banned him from the site.
The shaving brainbuster for this week concerns this forest rumble. I was thinking, do you think if I had enough bear claws I could glue them together and make a razor out of them? Or maybe the Beaver’s front teeth? Maybe I could squeeze out one of those skunks and use that as the Basis for some designer aftershave. The singing chimp in the corner says yea I love bearclaws they’re great with coffee and… I say shut up you idiot you don’t know what you talking about.
Check back on Friday for the answers and next week for the ultimate revenge. In the meantime be afraid, be very afraid.
