Thebigspendurs Epic Tonsorial Misadventures-#70
Good morning shaving fiends
Ya know when it comes to times of the year this is really my favorite. In these parts of the country there’s that crisp chill in the air and there’s nothing like sitting outside the shop drinking some fresh apple cider mmm mmmm while doing some whittling. I was trying to teach Mr Lucifer how to use a real knife. I told him that’s the only way to do it. He tried but he was all thumbs and kept slicing his finger cussing “aw hell”, har har.
I asked him if he was gonna go hunting with us this year since he said he’d be hangin around these parts. He said he didn’t understand this huntin thing. He said how you entice those animals to give up their lives for you. I said heck we don’t do no enticing we just shoot em dead and eat em. He said well, that just doesn’t seem fair to me. Don’t you offer them something for their lives. Offer what? What you talking about. He said well when I take someones soul they want to do it and I give them something in return. I said you give em what? He said well, what they want the most; long life, money, success, there’s a whole list they can choose from. I said now don’t you try and fool me we know about your reputation. You trick people and fool them and then renege on your offer and away they go. He said that’s just not true. I always get this bad rap you’d think I was evil or something (har har). I ‘m just a guy with a job to do and just because people think they’re smarter than me and they’re gonna outsmart me and they wind up outsmarting themselves that ain’t my fault. I’m the ultimate scapegoat in the world. Well if you was such a great guy how come you wound up down there. He said now there you go again. Me and the big guy are still on good terms and we talk often. In the end I’m just the garbage man cleaning up the trash.
Well while we were talking this stranger approached us. Some tall thin guy with a black cloak draggin something I don’t know what it was. He approached Mr Lucifer and said “pardon me boys but aren’t you Mr Luc I Fiore. He said no I’m not and I’ve never met him. Hmm I don’t believe you and you’re on my list here and I’m afraid you’re gonna have to come with me. Lucifer said I ain’t going nowhere with you. I said you some Fed or something we don’t cotton to no Government men around these parts. He said no but this fella needs to come with me he’s got an important date he needs to keep. Now there was a real commotion and a crowd started to gather. This fella said I don’t want to trouble here and grabbed Mr Lucifer. Everyone stepped back and let out a gasp. Next thing I know these two are fightin in the street throwing fireballs at each other. Finally Mr. Lucifer put the hex on this fella and dragged him over.
Mr Lucifer grabbed him and said you been drinkin again? I warned you to stop that you get all crazy when you do that and now you come here and disrespect me in front of my prospective clents. That fella got real meek and said I’m sorry boss I didn’t realize it was you, by the way how you get that 666 carved in your face? Mr Lucifer looked at him (and if looks could kill-har har) and that guy just vanished. I said why who was he? He said oh him? He’s in big trouble now. That’s Mr. Death. Imagine him coming after me if that don’t beat all. When I get home I’m gonna get his sorry ass and fix his wagon once and for all. He be takin a very long vacation if you know what I mean.
Just then we hear this buzzer going off and Mr Lucifer pulls the Ipad out of his coat and the picture has all this mist on it and he says oh hi boss. Yea the guy on the other end didn’t sound too happy something about missing his quota for the month and things getting out of hand and some escape attempts. Something too about Mr Death becoming intoxicated and taking the wrong people and upsetting the natural order of things. Also something about Mr. Death overstepping his authority and making deals with folks and sending the wrong people to the wrong places. Yea old Mr Lucifer got real meek real fast and all of a sudden this big lightning bolt came out of the sky and he be standing there in his birthday suit all singed. He say’s yea I hate when he does that. He said I’ve gotta go fellas I’ll be back once I’ve straightened things out. Then he simply vanished.
Well, Jethro told me he had an idea to increase his profits at the shop. Now that Mr Whitey is staying at the compound and has to earn his keep he agreed to give shaves at the shop. So, Jethro is gonna dress him up like some mad lumberjack and for any extra fee you can be shaved with an axe by him. He’s even developed a new line of aftershaves and soaps to use. He calls it Eau de forest. What he really did is collect urine from different animals and mixed it with scent glands from different animals added some pine needles and let it cook out in the sun for a few weeks and then added some sugar and it’s ready. He’s gonna have the shavin chimp sell it to those straight shavers on that online site where he is a vendor Monkeybusiness Razors. He says those guys will buy anything if you charge enough and put it in a fancy bottle. The only issue is Mr Whitey has a terrible temper and is so used to ripping the heads off humans we need to figure out a way to tone down his anger. Mr Sasquatch says he’ll concoct some drug to give him before he starts work. The shavin chimp is already unhappy with the new competition and the singing chimp has to learn to play the banjo and sing folksy songs. They both want more pay. There’s talk of a work stoppage if they don’t get their way.
So it’s close to Turkey day and we have a big celebration each year with a big community dinner and all kinds of games and festivities. This year we’re gonna have a shaving contest between the shavin chimp and Mr. Whitey. Then the big event , we find the person in town who we hate the most and we roll him in tar and feathers and stick a turkey call in his mouth and give him 30 minutes head start and then we go and hunt him for sport of course. Yep he be the Turkey and then when we catch him we…what you say? That ain’t right? Thanks what? The who,err the…Pillgrums? What’s that? We never heard of that? Sounds dumb to me. Why would you eat a turkey? Jethro uses em for target practice for his 50cal. Why when he hits them they just explode.
Now why would you eat a big meal because some folks did it hundreds of years ago. Sittin down with a bunch of Indians in the wilderness? And you think we’re stupid and gullable? Heck the Indians would have scalped them back then anyway. No we don’t invite Navajo Joe to the celebration. Last time we did that he imbibed too much of that fire water and he actually went out and caught some real turkeys.
So since it’s a getting close to the holidays I’ve been authorized by Mr. Lucifer to offer a special 2fer deal to all you fine folks. He’ll be back soon so don’t fret about it.
Also very soon we’ll be have another famous shaving gear giveaway soon so keep following these stories to find out more about it. Festus told me for Halloween he and baaaby used Cletus’s sharpening pastes to paint their faces so the remainder will be given away. Yep a whole set. You don’t mind goat hair in your paste do you?
So the big shaving question for this week is, would you shave yourself with an axe? Yea I’ve seen pictures but would you do it?
