Thebigspendurs Epic Tonsorial Misadventures-#71
Good morning shaving fiends
Well, being that’s it’s Turkey Day I thought the neighborly thing to do was go over to what you call it that place where they put the crazy people and take some home cooked food for Clem. He be the Turkey many times in the past. When I parked the car I noticed Brutus standing out in the pasture and he sure looked lonely and sad out there. I went over to him and asked if he was still out to get me. He looked mighty confused. He finally said no I just want to stay out here and smell the flowers. I asked his attendant what was up with him. He said he was so big and ornery no one wanted to deal with him and he kept chasing the people around and would stomp on them if he got the chance. So they did some procedure on him I think he called it a Frontal Lom…lomat…lobat…eh….um…heck you know what I mean. So now he be real meek and timid. They said in a few weeks they a gonna release him. I told them to let me know I’ll come get him. Hehe the Sarge will have a good time with him.
Well, I had a nice visit with Clem they ground up all the food until it looked like baby food and some attendant put it in his mouth while another wiped it off as it came out. I said what be wrong with him? They said they had to keep him real mellow cause he kept chasing the people around and kept telling wild stories bout some hairy ape man running around the forest. The attendant said that proves he be really crazy. I said uh…em…sure it does. I left that place but some guys at the front wanted to know where I got the clothes and got the restraints off. I said you crazy I’m just a visitor. They said that’s what they all say. Luckily the missus was outside and she came in and vouched for me so they let me go.
On the way back home we had to stop off in town and when I walked into the shop Mr Sasquatch pulled me off to the side and said we gotta talk. He said he mixed up this herbal concoction to give to Mr Whitey so he could be civil with the customers in the shop but it had some strange effect on him. Now he thinks he’s some God and is walking around spouting scripture and warning people about the end times and they have to follow him or they will perish and their souls will burn. It’s a good thing Mr. Lucifer hasn’t returned yet.
I went out back and he had a small group around him and he was collecting all their possessions and he told them where and when to report. I said what you doin? He said I see the light now very clearly. If you want to save yourself you had better join me. I said look here mack, if you wanna save yourself you betta get into your garb and high tail it into the shop and start working. He said that’s common work for chumps. Mr Sasquatch came up behind him and lopped him over the head knocking him out and dragged him off. I said where you taking him? He said I’m gonna introduce him to the end of HIS world har har.
I stopped off at Sue’s and told her, I don’t appreciate you taking advantage of me like that and don’t try to explain your way out of it because I know the truth now. She said well, I can see you a lot smarter than I figured you were. You need to understand I inherited this junk from my worthless husband. At one time he was a prosperous businessman and then he got mixed up in some no account wet shaving site and he spent all his money on shaving supplies and the owners of the site robbed him of all he had telling him DE’s were the answer to all his problems and his money would buy his happiness. They just went to California and bought a big mansion and my husband was left dirt poor. So, I gotta find some idiot to sell all this junk to make a living. I said you shouldn’t be cheatin your neighbors like that. She said I’m not really, every time I tell you a story bout something in the shop there’s always some truth to everything I say it’s up to you to be an informed consumer and investigate further. Well I didn’t rightly know what to say to her. Here she is just tryin to support her family and I’m givin here a hard time when this whole misunderstandin was my fault.
Well it was Turkey day and we had a real mob out to the compound to celebrate. There was every imaginable food out there. Thick succulent steaks with wild mushrooms and home grown vegetables and wild turkeys with buttery bread stuffin and all kinds of moonshine and homemade pies and cakes and breads and rolls. Now don’t that just make your mouth water?
We even invited Baaaby and the sarge and Mephy but they in turn invited a bunch of animals. Why we had to set up a table for the badgers and the bears and then they started throwing the food around so we had to kick em back into the forest. Then the other animals found out about it and wanted to crash the party. The beavers threatened to chew down all the trees surrounding the compound so we had to fix them a “doggy bag”
After dinner the festivities started. We needed the most hated person in town so we got Postal Mistress Haffwitte. Yea we grabbed her and get her tar and feathered real good and stuck the turkey call in her mouth and pasted stamps all over her head and gave her 30 minutes. The first ones to go after her were the UPS and Fedex drivers. Yea they be like blood hounds for the postal service. Yea we tracked her for hours and found her in her house hiding under the bed. You know what? When we went into her house why it was filled with the fanciest of things I ever did see. She said that’s because I’m the postal boss and we get paid real good. The Fedex guy said “YOU LIE”. And the folks started seeing things that they ordered and never got. In the back was all of Cletus’s tools that went missing and in her attic the UPS guy found hundreds of unopened mail parcels and letters. Yea the folks was real riled up and wanted to lynch her right then and there.
Someone called the Sheriff and Vasoline came and said you can’t take the law into your own hands like that. She deserves a fair trial. I’ll lock her up till I can get her to the county seat. She said I work for the Federal Govt and you can’t do anything to me. You gotta do what I say we Govt folks totally control you peons and we’re a gonna crush all of you.
Well that’s all the crowd had to hear. Jethro said I know what to do with her. We took her over to the badger city and dug a whole and buried her in the ground with just her head sticking up and put a sign around her head saying Govt man and poured a gallon of honey over her and left her. Yea those badgers realized their big order for a digging machine was stolen by her too. They sent their youngans out to do some chomping on her. Yea we could hear her screaming as we left.
Well the brainbuster for this week, well, any of you order any shaving gear that didn’t arrive? Maybe it’s in her house. Maybe you’re Femail man stole your stuff. Hmm you know that commercial on T.V by the Postal Service with that phony Mailman with a big empty mail bag with one empty box in it? Now why you think it’s empty? It’s to give him room to steal all your mail.
