Thebigspendurs Epic Tonsorial Misadventures #72
Good morning shaving fiends
Well, the gang and I got up early this morning. We done hiked into the National Forest cause each year we have this big Christmas tree business. Yea we fell thousands of trees and ship them all over the country. With Mr. Sasquatch and Mr Whitey they made quick work of them. All we had to do was haul them back. Festus and Baaaby was slacking off as usual. They were behind some old tree stump and they was eh…well….you know what they was doing and they woke up this bear who was sleeping and he was plenty mad. He went and got some ranger who confronted us. He asked for our permits. I said our what? It’s the people’s forest and we’re the people so we can do anything we want. He didn’t agree. Mr Sasquatch confronted him and Mr. Whitey said you know what I do to humans? Why I tear their heads off and Govt men I do it slowly, very slowly. He said have a nice day and left har har.
After we got the trees back to the compound Mephistopheles asked me if I checked on the Postal Mistress. I said no, I didn’t really. He said you better check on her. So we rode over to the badger city and well there was just a hole where she was. I asked the head badger what happened to her. I said did you guys eat her? They said no some group of guys dressed in black and all carrying mailbags came and dug her out. The head Badger asked Mephistopheles if he had been thinking about their little deal and he said as far as I’m concerned you guys owe me that protection money. They said you meet us at midnight by the old bridge and come alone and you’ll get it all. I told him he better not go.
So we went into town and there was all these guys with blue uniforms and mailbags on their shoulders walking around town. Vasoline said the postal clerk Miss Larggebotum blew the whistle and called in reinforcements and they sprung her loose and got her out of town. They said they was taking over and you don’t mess with the U.S Mail and just to show they was the boss the grabbed a couple of our citizens and started flogging them with their mailbags. They said they was redesignating our town as the North Pole and all those folks who write letters to the North Pole asking for presents, well they was all gonna come here from all over the world and we was gonna have to answer each and every letter to their satisfaction. Yea they started dropping mail bags out of airplanes by the thousands. Yea they cut off all communication with the outside world and we was isolated and they brought in a bunch of trained Gorillas, you know the ones who handle all the parcels and they had them patrol the town meting out justice to the folks. Why they even commandeered all the animals and had them carrying sacks of mail on their backs.
What they didn’t realize though is Mr Sasquatch used his transmitter to send out a distress message and during the night the town was invaded by a convoy of UPS and FedEx trucks. Yeas in the morning there was thousands of these guys. They rounded up all these Govt men and lined them up in the town square and disarmed them of their mailbags. Then we unleashed the dogs on them-har har. Yea, we have the meanest dogs in the world they be a combination of the biggest and worstest creatures in the world and we train them by showing them pictures of mailmen and we tell them in their mailbags they carry away their pups. Yea I never did see guys so out of shape run so fast in my life. But it didn’t do them any good cause the dogs run them into the old mine. Once they were there Cletus set off some charges and they was sealed in that mine forever.
Then we went out searching for Miss larggebottum and the Postal mistress and found them hiding in some old line cabin. They was locked in there with those Postal Swat team guys. The UPS guys wanted to just throw some dynamite in and blow them up but The FedEx guys didn’t cause FedEx has a big contract with the Postal Service. So they just started bickering amongst themselves and left.
We dressed Mr Sasquatch up in a mail uniform and gave him a huge leather mailbag to carry and the plan was to knock on the door and grab the Postal Mistress and Run but apparently they had a bunch of those Christmas mailbags in there with them and I guess those terrorists wanted to blow up the North Pole cause there was this big explosion and the cabin was gone. We never did find any sign of any of the people who was in that cabin but Mr Sasquatch is still wearing that uniform. He kind of likes it.
So now we have openings for two postal employees. Any of you want to apply?
When we went into the post office we found all kinds of valuable items in there that had been locked away for years. They been stealing mail and selling it for all sorts of time and we found evidence they had an arrangement with Sue to sell the stuff at her place. The new stuff would just be roughed up a bit so it would look old. Well I have a bone to pick with her anyway so I’m a gonna dress up like those folks on those television programs, what you call them under the covers? Yea I’m gonna get her good.
Yea we gonna recover all that stuff at the Postal Mistress’s house and at the Post Office and we gonna sell it all on that place where you go to fleece everybody what you call it my boy or something like that. Yea we’ll doctor up the photos and write all manner of interesting things about the stuff and then ship it out to the buyer and make a fortune. If they unhappy they can come here in person where their money will be cheerfully refunded-har har.
Well, the shaving question for this week concerns a bunch of shaving soap we found that be confiscated years ago at the Post Office. It say Williams on it and it was so old it was fossilized. Festus threw it at Baaaby and hit her in the head with it and knocked her out cold. But when we tried to use it, well it worked perfectly fine. Wow, if that don’t beat all. You think it contain those germs in it or something make a body sick?
Cletus has all those mailbags and he says he’s gonna make strops out of them, all custom and sell them for hundreds apiece. He says the Gov has special breeding farms where they breed special animals for their hides just for those mailbags and then they skin them alive. Mr Sasquatch says it’s true he knows all about it and they be some genetically enhanced monsters. We gonna investigate that.
Be sure to check in next week cause we gonna have the big brainbuster giveaway.
