Thebigspendurs Epic Tonsorial Misadventures #74
Good morning shaving fiends
Well here it is the middle of the night and the missus woke me up saying I’m talking in my sleep and asking me what’s going on? I said I was having some horrible nightmare about some big space alien badgers. She said that’s no dream that’s what happened at your meeting down by the creek with the badgers last night. I said you mean it really happened? I said why you wake me up anyway you know we have the big hunting trip today and now I’m gonna be all plumb tuckered out and you know Jethro likes to walk all over that mountain.
Well it was too late to go back to bed so I got dressed and fixed myself some grub and went out to the barn to get Mephy all ready and then woke up Mr Whitey. He was asleep in the stall next to Brutus, I said what you doing here. He said he has to read fairy tales to Brutus every night to get him to go to sleep and then he has to leave a light on cause he’s afraid of the dark. Come to think of it I said, where’s the Sarge? Just then he comes back with a couple of cows. I said where you been all night? He said me and the boys were out waiting for those mischievous High School kids to come around the pasture. They think they gonna tip us over while we’re asleep but we were waiting for them and when they got close we kicked them into next Sunday. I said I hope you didn’t hurt any of them too badly. He said nope they was able to run off.
We was just about to leave and the missus came out, she must have been in some sore mood she started in with me, you better not bring those critters back unless you dress em out good I’m not doing it like last year.
Well by the time we got to the compound they was all ready to get rolling we just had to find Festus who was out back shaving baaaby. She didn’t like the aftershave he was using and was giving him a hard time over it. Yea jethro had his trusty 30.06 and Cletus had his crossbow and Festus had his 8 gauge sawed off shotgun. I said what you gonna do with that it ain’t got no range. You shoot something with that and you just gonna make the critter mad. He said I’m gonna just be stealthy and kind of crawl up on him and surprise him and just stun him with the gun and then jump on his back and stab him to death with my Bowie Knife. I said no you won’t the last time you did that the deer fixed you good. He said yea but this time I know just what to do. Mr Whitey had his trusty club with him and I had my single shot hunting pistol. We didn’t get too far as we started hiking up the hill behind the compound and I hear this yelling someone yelling hey, wait for us. Well, I’ll be, it’s Mr Lucifer and his friend Mr Death. Mr Lucifer said well I remember you invited me and my buddy and I wouldn’t miss this for the world. I said well you’re welcome to come but not your friend. He started laughing and said well if we needed him to be anywhere it’s right here with you guys cause I can see with who you be and what you’re wearing if ever there was gonna be a hunting accident it’s a coming fast and he’s behind in his quota for the month so you guys should help him catch up. I said what you gonna use for a weapon? He said I don’t need no weapon I’m just gonna watch you makes fools of yourself. Hey, maybe you guys want to make a deal with me to guarantee a good kill, har har.
Well we was a walking for what seemed miles and we didn’t see no animals So we stopped to take a break and this bear came sauntering up. He said you guys are like a bull in a china chop. We can see and hear you from miles away. You ain’t gonna catch anything and that goat stinks from aftershave and that Mr Death, well he’s a scaring all the animals out of the forest. You ain’t gonna get anything. He said for a fee I can be your guide. Jethro said what’s your fee? He said I get the meat until I say I have enough. Cletus said how about if we just kill you now and take your meat? He said that wouldn’t be a smart move cause you be surrounded by Mexican Grey Wolves and they be plenty hungry. Well, that’s all mephy had to hear and he became frozen with fear and bolted with Mr Whitey atop him. Yea that was some sight him yelling at mephy to stop and he just keep running faster and faster. Yea all of a sudden we hear a blast and go a running and Festus shot this Elk and sure enough he’s on its back a slashing and stabbing with his knife. Only thing was it wasn’t any Elk it was some decoy and some rangers grabbed him and baaaby and took them away. Something about not having a hunting permit and unnatural acts in a National Forest. Then the ranger asked the bear what was up. And he said well, err,I was asleep and these murderers came and woke me up and made me go with them and said if I didn’t help them they was a gonna kill me and skin me alive. Jethro said that’s a lie, we never did any of that. Cletus said yea that bear must be working for the Govt he must be smokey or something and he entrapped us and cajoled us. The ranger said he did what to you cajo? Cajil? The bear said, I heard them make fun of the gov’t and not only that they made fools of the Postal Service too. He said I’m gonna lock you guys up you look like a bunch of sub humans anyway. Mr death said well, I can see I’m not gonna get any business today from you. I just heard there be some big gang war in Brazil l’m outta here. Mr Lucifer said to the ranger, now look here officer I’m sure we can work out a deal, har har.
Well whatever deal they worked out they was gone and what was left of the party continued on. After we walked a little ways one of the wolves came out from the brush said get out our territory. If you follow that ridgeline there are some mule deer there and one kicked me in the face yesterday so you can kill him. When you see him tell him Diego sent you before you kill him. Yea we split up and outflanked the herd and we saw that big mean deer. Cletus said he’s all mine. He put on his camouflage and started crawling along the ground real stealth like just that when he went to put his coonskin cap on he reached for a cap that’s still had the critter in it and the big old raccoon didn’t cotton to sitting on top of his head and started making a fuss a clawing and a biting Cletus’s head. During the struggle some of his confederates stole his crossbow and all his arrows. Cletus started chasing the critters and fell down a ravine filled with ice cold water and then the entire Raccoon family attacked him in force. Yea we could hear him screaming. I guess that’s a what you call coll..err calat….well you know when you mess up someone you didn’t originally intend to mess up. Meanwhile jethro had gotten close to the deer and drawn a bead on him and feels some hot breath on him and looks up and see’s this Moose standing over him. Jethro says why hello Mr. Moose. The moose says don’t you hello you was about to kill my best friend in the whole wide world and you know us mooses are very temperamental animals and my temperament is especially bad right now. Well that old moose used his huge antlers to pick up Jethro and pitched him at least 100 yards into the air coming to rest right in that briar patch.
Well, it was just Mr Lucifer and me. He said, well I can see how you shoot em and eat em. If you had offered them something like I do you wouldn’t be in this predicament. I said what you gonna offer some dumb animal? Well he just walked up to that deer and they was parlaying for a few minutes and then he walked away and that deer just fell over dead. He said see that’s what I’m talking about, no mess, no violence, nice and clean and friendly like. I said what did you offer him? I told him when he’s with me he can pull the sleigh every Christmas.
Well the brainbuster for this week concerns those raccoons. When I was at Sue’s the last time she had a bunch of Raccoon skins and I was wondering if they would make a good strop. What do you think?
Now I have to dress out the deer and find everybody and get Festus and baaaby out of jail and Jethro and Cletus patched up and get back in time for the New Years celebration. Mr Lucifer tells me Mr Death is mad at me so I gotta find him and straighten things out. That’s one guy I don’t want no misunderstandings with, no way.
Heck, and whats with this Hello Sweetie’s thing last week. Now don’t you go and get used to no female sweet talk or nothing. You get no babying around these parts from me.
