Thebigspendurs Epic Tonsorial Misadventures-#77
Good morning shaving fiends
Well weeks later I’m still cleaning up the mess from the New Years Eve party. No not the one we have, the Sarge got together with some of his chums and got a bunch of cows and terrorized the countryside and wound up drunk at my place where they took turns beating up Brutus and tearing up the barn. Then they went down to the Interstate and started running across the road. They must of caused at least 30 wrecks. Without Mr Whitey around I had to do all the dirty work myself.
After I finished I walked over to the creek to clean up and I noticed that Mr Death fella sitting there. I said what you doing sitting there like that? I thought your boss Mr. Lucifer done dragged you off for some attitude adjustment. He said I really don’t appreciate you inflating that guy’s head it’s already too big as it is and you got it all wrong. He really ain’t my boss at all. It’s really kind of the other way around and I just let him think he the boss. The more you keep paling around with him the worse you’re going to make him and I’m here to warn you, don’t get too friendly with that dude. Nobody outsmarts him. I said yea but you think you are. He said now look here he’s dependent on me. He got no authority to take nobody. Yea he can make deals and he can talk the talk but when it comes time to collect he can’t walk the walk. He needs me to get all his clients. As a matter of fact I got to work both sides because I gotta supply all the recruits both to him and the big guy so I got a special relationship with both of them and if that no good crook thinks he’s gonna boss me around well, he got another thing coming. I may not have any power over him but I got connections if you know what I mean and he isn’t gonna bully me anymore. I said I don’t know. When we was hunting I saw him walk up to that deer and a second later he fell over dead. Yea of course that was me who did the dirty work and you’re giving him the credit. Most of the time I’m invisible so people can’t see me. If they did they would just get too agitated and make my job harder. So, I said, where you heading off to? He said well, I be like Santa Claus I can be in many places at the same time so I’ll be around.
Well, after that I had to head into town anyway and I stopped off at the Post Office to see how Postmaster Obama was doing. He said he was having a great time and he had the best shave of his life and after a few minutes with Miss Hogslopper he felt like a new man. Just don’t tell my wife about that he said.
After I got my mail I stopped at the general store. Yea the usual suspects sittin around the potbelly stove. Eustace asked me if I had heard from Festus. I said no I here tell they going to release him after a few weeks on the chain gang. He said don’t be stupid that’s only in movies there ain’t no real chain gang. Just then vasoline came in and said well of course there be a chain gang they be just outside of town right now fixing potholes in the road. I said that’s stupid thinking there ain’t no chain gang. He said well maybe I’m just misinformed but at least I didn’t buy all that junk from Sue and then fall for her sorry line like you did. Now that be really stupid. Just then Charlie said you guys stop all this bickering and yelling you is interrupting my sleep here. I said you wanna sleep you go home and sleep. He said I can’t my wife won’t let me. I said you just be a mouse around your house and let your wife rule your life like a little mouse. He said get off it we all know about you and the missus how she browbeats you and you just be all henpecked. We even here tell about you being ordered around by those silly badgers. I said now don’t you start you didn’t see that giant 7 foot badger with big fangs and claws from outer space. Charlie said yea you be in outer space alright. You must be smoking that funny stuff. Imagine coming in here and trying to tell us you seen someone from outer space. You’re so stupid I bet you can’t ride a horse and chew tobacco at the same time. Portafoy was sitting in the corner real quiet like and taking this all in and Charlie said to him what you got to say about this. He said, well, I here tell he’s a gonna go down to that badger city and build them a concrete apartment house right there. I said you be crazy. I ain’t gonna do that. Just then I noticed the 2 badgers sitting on the counter and they started looking at me mighty funny. One whipped out a note pad and started taking notes. Well I left there in a hurry.
As I left the shop this whole entourage came driving into town. Well it was the Chief of the Utes and he looked like he had a war party with him. He stopped at the shop and when I walked in they was holding down the singing chimp and threatening him unless he told where Swampy was. The Chief said you better sing monkey or else. Well the Chimp started singing alright. That chief said you trying to make a fool out of me? While he wasn’t looking the shaving chimp lopped off his pony tail with his massive razor. Meanwhile Cletus was pouring sugar into the gas tanks of all their cars and trucks. I told him to just let it go. Swampy spilled the beans about his crooked operation. He said it ain’t crooked besides we be our own sovereign nation and we rule ourselves. I said you be a sov…err…what you say? He said the palefaces come for a good time and we give it to them and they pay for it har har. Well they got back in their cars but they didn’t get very far. I told them to get some horses. He said horses? You watch too many movies. I said don’t start with the movies. You ought to go down to the general store and you can be a jawing with all those stupid idiots down there. Well the chief went down there with his party all dressed in beaver fur coats with badger trim and the second they saw them those badgers went beserk. The went to the showcase with all those Cronik razors in them and started a pitchin them towards those Indians until they looked like human pin cushions
Yea from the outside there was all kinds of pandemonium going on in the store. Those Indians ran out of there and had to walk back to the reservation in the freezing cold. On the way back I here tell the badgers and the beavers was a waitin for them. Yea they be kidnapped and forced to do hard labor building lodges for the beavers and rebuilding that badger city har har. Now that be a real chain gang, har har
Well, when I got home the missus asked if I did her chores in town. I said I finished being your servant around here. You do your own chores. I’ve become the laughing stock of the town because of you. Well three hours later when I woke up on the floor, oowww my head still hurts. I saw the Sarge looking in the window and laughing. He said you better get your gear and spend the next few nights bunking with Brutis, Har har.
Well if that don’t beat all. Kicked out of my own house.
You know when those badgers pitched those razors at those Indians I heard them remark how sharp they is as they cut into their bodies. Maybe I ought to get me one of those I here tell they be the best razors in the world. I’ll bet even those space alien badgers use them.
Any of you use them chronic razors? The brainbuster wants you to tell your experiences with them.
