Thebigspendurs Epic Tonsorial Misadventures-#78
Good morning shaving fiends.
Saturday morning and I made it a point to wait at the maibox cause I was expecting an important package and I didn’t have to wait long before Mrs Obama drove up with the mail. I asked her how the new job was going.
She said I’ll tell you a secret, I’m not her she is back in Washington and she is really the President and has been running the country all along. That guy is just some chump they have playing the part. They hired me to double for her and even he doesn’t know who I am. I got to tell you ever since you sent him to the barber shop he’s a new man yea he won’t leave me alone. I gotta invent reasons to get away from him all the time.
Well, the important thing is I got my package. Yea I was watching the 4H channel on that television thing and this fella says he invented this correspondence course and you can use it to motivate your farm animals and get them to not only do whatever you want but to give them confidence and build up their self esteem. You know, like the chickens lay more eggs and the cows give more milk. It contains these DVDs whatever they are and scented candles and instructions on how to hypno…err…hypino…err….you know when you get someone to do something they don’t want to do to make them silly like act like a chicken or something. Yea I’m gonna use it on Brutus. I’m a sick and tired of his cowardly ways plus the medicine to patch him up after the other bulls beat him up all the time is costing me a fortune.
On the way into town I had to stop by the compound to pick up some flax auntie had set aside for the missus. I went out back and Cletus was mixing up some concoction. I asked him what he was doing. He said he been looking at these shaving sites on that there internet and how they was always talking about new hones and he got an idea bout how to fleece these guys cause they all be suckers just waiting to be pumped dry of their cash and they all be a bunch of rich guys like that bigspendur fella. So he been experimenting with making his own hones and after months he got the formula just right and was trying it out and he says it’s like a miracle. Why you can take razor full of nicks and chips and in 100 strokes not only are all the imper…err…emporf….err….you know the bad parts they be gone and the razor be polished up and shave like a dream.
I asked him for a demonstration and he had this old English Razor meatchopper and it was a mess and sure enough after 100 strokes why it looked like it was newly manufactured. It was just gleaming in the sun. Why it had a big crack in it and the hone just welded the crack closed automatically. He be using baaby’s face for a test and she be as smooth as a kid. I asked him for the secret formula and he said well, I’ll tell you but you gotta keep it a secret. He said the secret is it’s made from 3 distinct components and is expertly shaped to be triple acting. He says for the first coarse grit to repair the edges he has Festus go at night to the cemetery and dig up the bodies and steal the bones. He grinds them up and adds some pixie dust (yes that’s right pixie dust from those pixie’s living in the forest here) and binds it together with some elmers glue. For the mid part he collects the dung of all manner of animals and mixes it with urine from a bunch more and then he has a bunch of dung beetles from Africa and he makes them toil all day compacting the stuff and shaping it. Then he lets it bake in the sun for weeks and adds blood to it and bakes it in the oven till it’s hard. For the final ultra smooth finish section he goes over to the Reservation and digs up some of those there …err what you call them those copralites and grinds them down and mixes it with some of those Japanese rocks. Then he buries it out back in the latrine for a month or so and when he digs it out it’s this gorgeous iridescent stuff which he custom cuts into all sizes. He’s a gonna sell it for $300 for a nice sized piece. The only problem is the smell. He says he’s a gonna have to find something to change the smell otherwise no one will buy it. I said good luck.
On the way into town I stopped by the badger City and I saw those Indian fellas there. Yea they had created a new badger City. It wasn’t concrete but looked like a well built spiffy looking place. Now that the badgers were done with them they turned them over to the beavers and they were hard at work rebuilding their dams and lodges while the beavers were watching them from the banks grabassing.
I guess that got me off the hook with the badgers.
When I got into town I stopped by the Post Office to get some stamps. That Obama fella was sitting outside. He said he was fired. I said what happened? He said they made him take a test and he failed it. He said he couldn’t throw the box far enough and when he stomped the package he couldn’t compress it enough and when he tried to tear the packing he just cut his fingers all up. They also gave him an intelaj…err….intellag…err you know to see how smart you is and he said he didn’t do so well. They said he was too ignorant to be a mailman but the test said he should go into politics-har har.
When I got to the shop everyone was there including Navajo Joe who was mad at the Chief of the Utes cause he tried and steal his peyote. I told him we ought to organize a little party and visit their reservation and get ourselves some of that money. After all, they be robbing the palefaces for years so it really ain’t theirs anyway.
Yea we was gonna make a plan and this was gonna use everybody for this and we was gonna use that, what they call it itelegeence to plan it. Yea it be like what they call a surgical air strike like that bomb with those atoms in it they dropped during err…what world war was it lll or lV?
So Cletus wants me to take orders for him for his new hone. He should have the bugs worked out pretty soon and if you act soon you get a free slurry substance. Incidentally, talking about bugs, that be a box of C*o*ckroaches. You mash them to make the slurry.
Yea, when you go to that world famous shaving gear site Eboy and buy that $10 junk razor with all the rust and chips and cracks and just 10 minutes on this hone and it be like brand new and you can sell it for a hundred bucks and you will be a believer.
