Thebigspendurs Epic Tonsorial Misadventures #79

Good morning shaving fiends

Well finally the missus let me back in the house. She made me build her a new china cabinet as an act of contrition.

I was plumb tuckered out and as the sun set I was watching those pictures on the box in the living room what you call it T.B or something like that. Yea they was all these people on there and they had these great deals just for me. I could get all manner of goods for so little money. Now how’d they know I wanted that deluxe knife collection made in Pakistan. I was about to call them up to order it and I hear a strange tapping at the window but there wasn’t no one there and now that knife guy was gone and there’s some gal sellen women’s underwear and the missus comes into the room saying “what you doing with that pornography you some weirdo or something, you better stay away from my underwear”. I said now look here woman when I got up and went outside there was a knife guy on I don’t know nuttin bout the half naked woman on there. Hey you hear that, that tappin at the window out there? She said I sure do. Get the shotgun. So I went out the back door and slithered around the back and caught them red-handed. I said reach varmints. Hey it’s Mr. Whitey and mephy. I said where you been? We be looking for you all over the place. Mr Whitey said yea I couldn’t get this nag to stop running. Finally we was in the next state and this mouse ran across the road and he threw me off and fainted. On the way back we saw some group of guys making a monster movie for one of those Science channels and they thought we was the stars so we helped them make the movie and we got top billing and we’re gonna get a bunch of cash for it. After the movie this pretty gal tried to take the makeup off and realized it wasn’t coming off and they all panicked and ran away. We be walking for days. I told the missus to rustle up some grub and she said, well, I won’t repeat what she said.

Well first thing the next day I set up the confidence building course I got for Brutus in the mail. Yea I kept playing these tapes of cows mooing over and over again. They said they had subl…err….supinal…err well you know some hidden meaning stuff in the tapes. Then I made him charge a decoy I had set up and there was another tape that kept saying kill…kill over and over again. Every time he didn’t hit the decoy I had to slap him in the face and he started crying. Then I had to take him to the Vet for a group therapy session with a bunch of bulls they saved from the stockyards all condemned to die. Then he needed some confidence with the ladies but none would have him so I did the next best thing and locked him in the barn with Baaaby overnight. Yea he be a new manbull in the morning-har har.

While I was having my breakfeast the next morning I heard a commotion out back. The Sarge had been out with his buddies all night and they figured they would complete their mayhem by coming back and beating the stuffin out of Brutus. Yea there was a cloud of dust and they all be laying all over the place. Brutus walked over to the Sarge and said I’m back! The sarge just fainted right there.

I had to go into town to get some groceries and I stopped by the jail to see vasoline and he had that Obama fella locked up. I said, why he in the calaboose ? Vasoline said he be a problem goin around drinking in public and gettin intoxicated and speaking in some strange tongue folks don’t understand. Mr Sasquatch was in there with him and he was translating what he was saying. I asked him what’s goin on. He says those folks you call birthers are right this guy ain’t from here he’s an imposter sent by those terrorists to destroy the country and that woman they call his wife be his handler. Well if that don’t beat all.

I went down to the shop, business was slow. Mr Whitey was out back with the Singing Chimp and they was getting intoxicated on moonshine too early in the day. Mr Whitey had his axe and was throwing it at the chimp who thought it was funny and he started throwing razors at Mr Whitey. One of the axes went across the street through the window of our fleabag motel so I had to make things right with the owner Dora Mae. She was arguing with a new resident who didn’t like the idea of having to go out back for the latrine and not having any running water in the place? Dora asked him, what’s running water? You mean the stream out back? I said I know you I saw you on the movie box in my house. He said You’re the stupidest most backwards people I ever saw in my life. The folks in Texas are living in the future compared to you. This is just the place I’m looking for. I said you be that Tom Delay guy. You be that big crook who’s gonna go to jail. He said I ain’t gonna go anywhere. I come here to hide out they’ll never find me here. Once I change my clothes I’ll just blend in here. Hey wait a minute I just saw the President go by what’s goin on here? He ran out yelling hey Mr President wait up.

I headed back home and picked up the missus and headed over to the clan’s compound for dinner.yea it was time to plan the big caper at the Ute reservation. While we were waiting for Navajo Joe and his friends to arrive I went out back and Cletus was still experimenting with that new hone he had invented. He said he was gonna call it Cletus San’s magic hone. I said what’s with the San who’s he? He said, no those folks on that SRP shaving site they think they smart but they really just a bunch of hone crazed idiots who buy anything and if it has any hint of being from the Orient especially Japan they’ll pay plenty for it. He said the new postmaster gonna send the hones through the post office in Little Tokyo in L.A so I can claim it’s from Tokyo. I said what you do about that awful smell. He said I found just the right thing. I told Festus when he gets those bones from the cemetery to get me some decomposing bodies too and that mixed in takes all the odor away. Not only that now I can claim it’s an ancestral hone-har har. Those shavin folks like that and they be ready to pay extra just for that alone.
Well, Joe showed up with his buddies and after dinner we made a big dinner and we smoked the peace pipe and we all got stoned and Festus fell into the fire and got all burned up and Jethro fell into the latrine and Mr Whitey wandered off into the forest and got attacked by a mountain lion and Navajo Joe had his bow and arrow and shot hisself in the head with his own arrow and what’s those two silly badgers writing on that notepad. I didn’t know badgers could write. So, I guess we’ll sleep it off till morning and then make our plans.

For the brainbuster this week Jethro in his drunkin stupor wants to know who could chuck the most wood? Would it be a beaver, a Woodchuck or a Badger? I saw this show on that silly movie box where these talking woodchucks was chucking someone’s wood into a lake. That be really silly, around these parts if some dumb animals did that we’d just poison them to death.

The amount of wood that woodchucks would chuck on a given day varies greatly with the individual woodchuck. According to a Wall Street Journal article, New York State wildlife expert Richard Thomas found that a woodchuck could chuck around 35 cubic feet of dirt in the course of digging a burrow. Thomas reasoned that if a woodchuck could chuck wood, he would chuck an amount equal to 700 pounds.
Some say it depends on three factors:
The woodchuck's desire to chuck said wood.
The woodchuck's need to chuck the aforementioned wood.
The woodchuck's ability to chuck the wood when it is a woodchuck


Others say:
The woodchuck could chuck as much wood as he wanted!b (By the way what is a woodchuck? Is it like a gopher?)
He would chuck, he would, as much as he could, if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
If he could chuck wood, the woodchuck would chuck as much as he could!
A woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
A woodchuck would chuck all the wood that the woodchuck would chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
If a woodchuck could chuck wood, he would and should chuck wood. But if woodchucks can't chuck wood, they shouldn't and wouldn't chuck wood. Though were I a woodchuck, and I chucked wood, I would chuck wood with the best woodchucks that chucked wood.
If a woodchuck could chuck wood, then s/he'd chuck all the wood, s/he'd chuck and chuck and chuck and chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
It would chuck the amount of wood that she sells seashells on the seashore divided by how many pickles Peter Piper picks.
One quarter of a sycamore if you give him a quarter for every quarter of the sycamore he cut.
It might depend on how many female woodchucks were present. Or, it could depend on whether the woodchuck's mother-in-law was around or not. If she was, he'd be chucking all day. If not, he'd be watching the football game.
Some maintain that woodchucks could not and would not chuck wood at all.
It depends on how good his dentures are!
A woodchuck - would chuck - as much wood - as a woodchuck - could chuck - if a woodchuck could chuck wood. But unfortunately, woodchucks do not chuck wood.
About 5.72 fluid litres of wood (answer from the paper pulp mill).
About as many boards as the Mongol hoards would hoard if the Mongol hordes did hoard boards.
Um....... 23????
Tons. More than you can count. Honestly. No one can chuck more wood than a woodchuck.
If the woodchuck's name was Maurice, then it could chuck all the wood that it wanted to. However, if its name is Frank, no chucking would be allowed.
Due to the average size of a woodchuck and the general density of wood (not including cork) if a woodchuck could chuck wood it would probably get through about 6.573 pounds per day, assuming the woodchuck is functioning correctly.
Using the formula: (W + I) * C where W = the constant of wood, which is well known to be 61, as agreed in many scientific circles. I = the variable in this equation, and stands for the word "if" from the original problem. As there are three circumstances, with 0 equaling the chance that the woodchuck cannot chuck wood, 1 being the theory that the woodchuck can chuck wood but chooses not to, and 2 standing for the probability that the woodchuck can and will chuck wood, we clearly must choose 2 for use in this equation. C = the constant of Chuck Norris, whose presence in any problem involving the word chuck must there, is well known to equal 1.1 of any known being, therefore the final part of this calculation is 1.1. As is clear, this appears to give the answer of (61 + 2) * 1.1 = (63) * 1.1 = 69.3 units of wood.
"Sixteen and 1/2 board feet a day except on groundhog's day since groundhog is another name for woodchuck."- This answer is according to no less an authority than the 'Junior Woodchucks Guidebook', a publication often consulted by Huey, Dewey, and Louie Duck and referred to yet again by them in answering this very same question.
How Chuck Norris got involved-A woodchuck would only chuck as much would as Chuck Norris would allow it to, because the woodchuck shares Chuck's name. Therefore, Chuck must punish it and make it chuck as much wood as Chuck can. So, a woodchuck would chuck as much wood as Chuck could.
None because a wood chuck cannot chuck wood! :P
Approximately 3.9675 pounds every 5.6843 seconds. So there.
2.865 lbs every 11.3686 Seconds?
As much as he needed to be satisfied
But the true jokey answer, as told by my grandfather is: As much wood as a woodchuck could chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
a woodchuck would chuck all the wood he could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood
Are you kidding? Everybody knows a woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
But it definitely couldn't chuck Chuck Norris.
A group of people actually did a study on this. None of the wood chucks ate any wood planks so they never upchucked it but some of them chucked them (threw them) at people.
During my study of Woodchuck I came to the conclusion that woodchucks don't chuck wood but only drink beer.
However, this beer can frequently motivate them towards actions that can closely resemble the chucking of wood.
A woodchuck will only chuck certain wood, likely that which is found in their natural, prairie habitat. Therefore, the lack of trees on the prairie is quite closely related to the chucking of wood performed by these wood-chucking woodchucks.
Since it is the same animal as the Groundhog, should we not instead ask : how much ground would a groundhog hog if a groundhog would hog ground.
A Woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a Woodchuck could chuck, if a Woodchuck could chuck wood.
315g. This was an estimate done in a book of useless trivia.

and we know that beavers and badgers don't exactly chuck wood... But if they did, they still wouldn't chuck as much wood as a woodchuck, unless of course, Chuck Norris helped them.

What's up with this richmondesi guy here. He be one of those straight shaving fools around these parts? Sounds like he tried eating some of his shaving cream or maybe imbibed of the aftershave.

Sounds like he has some kind of thing for woodchucks. Maybe one of those critters chucked some wood and bounced it off his head.

I got an E-mail from Sergei in Leningrad. He be the first sucker, err, customer to buy one of Cletus's new hones and he sent this, what you call it a testi...err...territ...err you know when you send in saying something's good and don't have to pay someone to say it.

He says since he got the hone he spent 100 rubles for some rusty old razors and he sold them all for 3000 rubles. He says it's the best money making scam since he hacked into Visa's site and stole 10,000 credit card numbers.