Thebigspendurs Epic Tonsorial Misadventures #80-A Tale of Woe..
Good morning shaving fiends
Festus and I went down to Gus’s shave supply shop to restock the barbershop (you didn’t know we have the biggest wet shaving supply place in the world?) Why I hear tell that world famous Straight Razor and shaving personality Lyn Abrums and his sidekick “The Don” used our shop to design their new shop. I hear tell they came here in disguise since they be followed around by their, what you call them their Groupers. Yea they be like the Lone Ranger and Tonto. Clem said one of them had a razor hanging from his belt with a solid silver handle. That be his calling card just like the Lone Ranger’s silver bullets.
At any rate Festus calls me over to the display and says hey look at those straights with those cute little ducks on them. Baaby would love that. Why when she and I frolic in the lake together she loves to chase the little ducks. Sometimes she forgets about me and why we came down there to…shshhh we don’t want to hear about that. You folks know what they’s a fixin to do there don’t you?
So Gus comes over and say’s yea I got a whole sealed carton of those in the back as I recall they say Wonderedge on them. I tell you what since no one wants them you can have all 500 of them brand spanking new all sealed in the box for a buck a piece. I said well let’s see one. He says I’m not gonna open one up then it’s not new and the only ones who will buy them will be those razor crazed fools on that shaving site. Well you can keep em. You ain’t gonna rip me off with some rusted old junk. Just then Vasoline comes into the shop and says well boys I’m sorry but I gotta bring you in. I got a warrant for your arrest. I said you got what? He said yea you know when you woke that bear up during your hunting trip? I said yea. He says, well the whole family was woken and couldn’t fall back to sleep and the youngans froze to death and the father filed a complaint with Fish and Wildlife and they want you for murder. I said that’s the most ridiculous thing I ever heard of. After all how did he sign the complaint? Vasoline said, I don’t know. Maybe you got a technicality there.
So here we are in the jail and there’s this scruffy looking dude in the cell with us. Why he looks like that Rip Van Winkin guy. That’s what you call a mendicant eh? Yea Festus says man what a bum. Vasoline says he was picked up walking along the State Highway in a daze.
So the guy turns to Festus and says you know I haven’t always been a derelict like you are. Festus says don’t call me those bad names. The guy says would you like to hear my story? Festus says no I don’t want to hear about your misfortune I have enough of my own. The guys says well, very well, then I’ll tell it to you. I said well go ahead.
So he says, you see many years ago my father gave me the benefit of a good education and I was an upstanding decent man. I became a businessman owning the Pearlduck Shaving supply house. Then I met her. She was beautiful…glorious. We were married. Two years later a baby boy. You know I haven’t seen that boy till this very day. Well, Festus says it ain’t me if that’s what you is a thinking. The guy pushes him away. I told Festus to sit down and be quiet and stop interrupting the man. I said go ahead with your story.
Well we were a happy family. The store did wonderfully and grew with my acquisition of Beau Brummel and we were prosperous. One morning we were seated around the breakfast table and a knock came at the door. There stood a man. He said he wanted a Bresnick Napoleon and had wasted his life looking for one. He was broken in health and spirit. I bade him enter. I welcomed him into my home. I said make my home your home and he did.
I should have realized something was amiss. I would come home after work exhausted after grinding names off razors and Pakistan and restamping them with my logo and Solingen. I was too tired to do anything. My wife would tell me how she saw the stranger shaving and how skillfully he wielded his huge wedge. She said, it was so big and thick. It was nothing at all like your shrimp.
One day I returned home from work to find my home was no longer a home. My wife, my baby and the stranger were gone. He even stole all my shaving gear except. I was left with my shrimp. Yes they had all fled. I sold the business to a dog supply outfit and spent my fortune scouring the world looking for them to no avail. I traveled the 7 seas and all the continents. Then one day I was sitting at the banks of the Niagara River just above the falls. I had decided my life was lost and I would fling myself into the raging torrent.
Then, it happened. I saw them. Suddenly my brain snapped. All the years of pent up emotion and hatred and frustration welled up within me. I knew, with murder in my heart and soul I would strangle him like a chicken… Slooooolwy I turned step by step inch by inch with each step bringing me closer and the rage increasing and I crept up on him and grabbed him and pounced and beat him and kicked him and strangled him. Gee willy that dude started beaten up on Festus something terrible why I had to pry them apart or he would have killed him. Festus said get me out of here. I said now don’t interrupt the man again. The dude says why what happened? Oh, I’m so sorry, but every time I hear that word I just want to kill. Festus says take it easy calm down don’t worry I won’t say that word. I said what word? He says you know N-I-AG-A-R-A F-A-L-L-S. All of a sudden the dudes face gets all contorted he says you know, I knew I would never be satisfied until I had his blood running through my fingers and his viscera on the floor so Slooooowly I turned step by step, inch by inch, I crept upon him and when I saw the streak on his countenance I grabbed him and not being able to help myself beat him senseless. Well that dude started beatin on Festus again. Wow he beat him to a pulp. Festus says I’ve had enough. This guy’s crazy. I said you keep interrupting the man while he’s trying to tell you his life story.
The dude says, my poor friend I didn’t do it to you again did I? Festus says yes you did. I said it’s okay dude. The dude says what’s happening to me. Festus says nothing is happening to you it’s all about me. I said stop thinking about yourself all the time Festus. I said just don’t use that name. Festus said no I won’t. The dude says what you talking about. Festus says no I ain’t saying the name of those falls. What falls you talking about? He says Niagra Falls. N-I-A-G-A-R-A F-A-L-L-S. So Sloooowly I turned step by step, step by step, inch by inch and I crept up on him and grabbed him and beat him. wholly molly why you tore Festus ear off.
I finally said wait a minute dude you been beating on my cousin and getting away with murder here you know how much it’s gonna cost to sew that ear back on?
Just then Mr Sasquatch comes in to the jail pulling that no account bear. Well sure enough the bear never signed that complaint so it was worthless. Whats more under interrogation he admitted the Moose had put him up to it cause we tried to kill his bestest friend in the whole wide world. So Vasoline let us out of jail and puts the bear in with that crazy dude for filing a false report. He said the Badgers signed it for him. (hmm I didn’t know badgers could write) As he left Festus runs back to the cell and looks at the bear and the dude and yells NIAGARA FALLS.
So the shaving brainbuster concerns some razor lore here. If you took a dull razor and affixed it on the edge of those falls how long would it take for the running water to hone that razor to perfection?
Yes those Niagara Falls…whoooooo what’s happening to me? N-I-A-G-R-A FA-L-L-S Sloooowly I turned step by step inch by inch until I could see the straight razor scars on his scrawny neck and I….
