Thebigspendurs Epic Tonsorial Misadventures-#84
Good morning shaving fiends
Heck I gotta get up at 5AM to get with the team and execute our big caper and some fool is banging at the door. Hold on I’m a commin. Well gollyee it ‘s Pa! Gee I haven’t seen you in years I thought you was dead. He says well just because I be 110 years old don’t mean I’m dead. My Sheep keep me young. I said you didn’t bring your sheep with you did you. He says of course wherever I go they go. I said you better get them out of here Brutus don’t cotton to no sheep. He’ll murder them all. He said the only reason I came is cause I heard your wife left. I said just for a visit. He said yea she never liked me anyway always spreading nasty rumors about me. In the end she be messing around with all her rela… Ohhh stop don’t even say it I don’t wanna here it. Just go to sleep or something and stay out of my hair.
Well I went out to load Brutus up in the trailer but he was nowhere to be found. I asked memphy where he was. He said you just follow that trail of meyhem and carnage out back and you find him alright. Yea there was a trail of blood and gore. When I caught up with him he was cleaning up the forest floor with one of those Grey Wolves. I said lets go we’re late.
Well we all met up on the res at Navajo Joes Hogan. The plan was in place. We was already getting that intell….err…intelo…you know that skinny on what’s happening. Yea that Tom Delay guy was up there spying and he said they knew nothing of our caper. Festus was up there too but he was acting crazy cause it was raining and some water got in his head and they thought he was a shaman or something.
The singing chimp was entertaining the folks so they be all inside the auditorium and Sasquatch and Mr Whitey had surrounded the Res and locked up all the security people. Memphy had run off all their horses and Brutus beat the stuffing out of those Buffalo. Yea everything was going according to plan. That Obama fella had given the mailmen the slip. They can’t track anything-har har and was givin a speech on the res and had them all mes…err…memor…err…you know he had them.
Yea we just walked in there and dug up the spot and… there was nothing there. Brutus interrogated one of those buffalo and he said some fat cats from Las Vegas, the guys who really own the casino had been there and they took all the loot.
Well just then the chief came up and said what you guys think you doin on my land. You guys know we Indian Tribes, well we be a sovereign nation and you all be under arrest. Of course we could just take you all out and hang you but we gonna do it fair and square. Then we gonna stake you in the ground and tie some wet rawhide on your heads and the sun will work on you and pop your skull in half. That’s how we do it. I said you and who else? We locked up all your people and security. He said we were tipped off you were coming and we were prepared and our friends at the Apache tribe helped out and your “friend” Joe did you in. Yea he’s just got back at you for all those broken promises and cheap razors Cletus sold Joe over the years. He said to make it more egregious for you people you went and subverted all those animals turning them to a life of crime. That’s crimes against nature and we don’t cotton to that not at all. And whats with this crazy guy with those holes in his head. I said whats egrg…err ecret…err what you say?
Yea they “rescued” Brutus and Memphy and the Chimp and Sasquatch and Whitey and Swampy and all the rest and treated them like kings. Swampy started crying saying those humans came here and kidnapped me and took me back and tortured me and did terrible things to me. The Chief said , who’s that paleface woman dressed as some papoose running around here disrespecting all our women folk.
Yea we be in a heap of trouble. That Tom Delay guy said to the chief, you know they all be a bunch of Democrats and they had real bad plans for you and that Obama guy ain’t even an American and he be their General.
Yea so they had this trial the next day and we were all lined up except Festus, I don’t know where he was and all these indians came with pictures of their ancestors and blamed us for their deaths and stealing their land. Yea they even had some Buffalo come in and testify we killed all his ancestors too and then a whole line up of animals, Beavers and other rodents complaining we killed them and skinned them alive. Cletus said to them, I don’t recognize your authority. The Beaver bit him in the foot and took off two of his toes. The chief said har har, that’s ok you won’t be needing them where you’re going.
Yea we be found guilty and sentenced to be exe…err…exor…err….you know we be dead. Jethro asked if he could have a straight to shave with as his last request. Yea we had a visitor, Brutus came over representing the livestock. He said yea I’ve never been treated so good in my life. They’ll do anything we want. I just wanted to ask you if we could tear down you houses when we get back since you’ll all be dead.
Yea that Tom Delay guy said the word is out and their all betting how long it will take to pop your skulls in half. They also be selling tickets like a Roman Spectacle. Yea they selling the tickets for $50 a piece and with the concessions I’ll stand to make a nice profit. Maybe tomorrow when they put you in the ground you might like to yell and scream and beg. They like that and you never know maybe the Chief or medicine Man may feel sorry for you and show some mercy and just bop you over your head with his war club and put you out of your misery. Yea then I see Mr Lucifer standing there. He was dressed like some Indian Chief. I said what you doin here. He said I just came to see if you wanted to make a deal now-har har.
Well if this don’t beat all. We been double crossed not only by our friends but by a bunch of stupid animals and then we be railroaded by these Indians and used as scapegoats for our ancestors. Do we have a choice but make a deal with Mr Lucifer?
So the brainbuster for this week concerns, well if you be sentenced to be executed by torture would your last request be to have a straight shave? Which razor would you use and what soap and after shave. (and don’t you say the Grim reaper)
