Thebigspendurs Epic Tonsorial Misadventures #88

Good morning shaving fiends

Well I gotta tell you the response to our offer was amazing. We got so much money a comin in all the mattresses are stuffed full of the stuff. We got some special request from that Bigspendur fella he a wantin us to do something special for him. He say he be the world authority on them razors with the ducks on them. So we dressed up Mr Whitey like a king and Mr Whitey, he make an official decree and we make him a real live Duke so now he be the Duke of Ducks. Then we get another custom request from some guy named Joe or something from some shavin site. He say he be the worlds authority on all manner of shaving topics and he be the best hone guru in the whole wide world but folks won’t give him credit for all he knows and they keep attacking him but the shavin chimp turned him down sayin he be a fraud and Baaaby eyeballed the razor he send us and she said that bevel be 1mm off but he keep sendin us more and more money sayin he got plenty where that come from via the chumps on the site. So this time we asked the Singin Chimp and he said OK so we make him the Official Grand Emperor of the Known Shavin Universe.

Cletus wanted me to tell about some new razors he be forging here. You all know about that famous Japanese Steel that White Steel and that Blue Steel and that Ball Steel and that Tama…er…tagna….er…well you know that high dollar stuff. Well we got the best of the best it be called flashlight steel. Yea it came just yesterday. It come in a big truck with a trailor 20 feet wide but when you open it up the inside only be a few feet big. Yea it had all this funny writtin on it and it be escorted by these aeroplanes and inside there be a big case lined with lead and the driver, he be wearing a spacesuit. Well Cletus just threw all that stuff away and took out this small amount of melted metal like a blob and boy was it hot. So hot he didn’t even have to use his forge. Yea just hammer it into shape. Funny how this morning when he woke up those two toes that beaver bit off had grown back and now he has another eye in the center of his head. Well at any rate once he finished the razor and put some gorgeous bone scales on (from those bones Festus dug up in the Cemetery) he realized the razor glows so bright you don’t need no light when you shave. Your face just lights up all pretty and green. Now how much would you pay for that? I was watching him shave with it this morning and I noticed something funny. As it slide down his face those whiskers were bein burnt off ahead of the blade. It be like a multi blade like that fella Gillette invented.

Well, after old Fujimoto’s demise there be all manner of police types here. Yea they be investigating and decided old Fujimoto had’t killed hisself afterall. He be murdered. Wow isn’t that exciting? Brutus said no, it wasn’t me I just stomp em to death. Mr Sasquatch and Mr Whitey says no not them we tear them to pieces. The Badgers say no, not us we knaw them to death. The bear and the mountain lion say there you go again blaming us whenever something bad happens to you humans. We animals know this was caused by something not of this world.

When I got back home the missus was entertaining some young gal. She say she be one of those Newspaper reporters from some Indian Tribe. She say she be investigatin some strange goings on involving some Japanese avaitor. She say’s she just about has it all figured out. He was a Japanese Aviator who brought shame on hisself and Old Fujimoto had done the same thing. Both were straight razor shavers and that Colossal Coticule belonged to the aviator but Fujimoto’s ancestors stole it and carried it out of Japan years ago and took it to Bellgum and buried it and those local folks be thinkin these rocks be theirs but it really isn’t. So now these spirits they be angry and killed Fujimoto since his whole family is cursed and that brought that there big wave to Japan. Ground zero be right at Fujimoto’s ancestral home.

She says now we be havin to deal with two angry spirits and we need to find out what they want. I told her you know what I want? I want you to get you crazy butt off my ranch and stop with this trash. You rile up the locals and we be showing you some angry spirits.

Later that day I be in town in the shop and Mr Sasquatch asked me if I seen Mr Whitey. He be in a terrible mood since the caper at the Ute res and his squeeze Swampy decided to stay there and so he went up into the hills to console hisself. I said no. He said you better get rid of that rock. You better send it back to Japan or else. I asked him if he been talking to that nosy reporter. He said yes and she has it all figured out. He says she’s been researching it and it be much worse than you imagined. OK so tell me the story. (Right? You all want to hear the story don’t you?)

Well once upon a time a long time ago that be back in that there Japan place the country was under attack by all manner of foreign forces and the ruling family in the north that be Old Fujimoto’s family and in the South that be the Kawasaki Family and they be battling it out and they be those samor…err…Sammy…err, you know those guys with the big swords but they be breaking their swords cause they couldn’t get them sharp and hard enough and then one day the Kawasaki family discovered this rock on their land and they called old Mr Lucifer and they made a deal with him and he made the rock magic so once you hone a sword with it you gotta win the battle. Those Fujimotos found out about that and they be rite mad and they called Mr. Lucifer and made a deal with him and had a big…what you call it tun…err…suna….err…well the ocean come and washed all those Kawasaki’s away but when Mr Lucifer came to collect on the debt they made a sword so powerful they used it to whoop Mr Lucifer and then they took the stone to Bellgum to hide it forever. Yea that Mr. Lucifer got mad and cursed both families for all eternity and so now we got that stone here and the spirits of both families want their stone back and Mr Lucifer is due back next week so we gotta hide it from him and Vasoline called me and said there’s some dude here from some shavin site who thinks these bellgum stones be all magical and once that stone was stolen all these guys in Bellgum lost their shaving ability and their razors turned to rust and their bellgum hones turned to dust and he wants his stone back.

So the shaving brainbuster for this week, well, any of you want one of those exclusive flashlight razors? Hmm come to think of it have any of you checked your bellgum hones? Maybe it be a pile of dust. Maybe you can turn the dust into a synthetic hone. Cletus can take that dust and enhance those garnets and make a natural synthetic hone with scientifically enhanced and distributed garnets that will hone your britches off.