Oh boy it came yesterday.
Just yesterday I was on the side of my house digging a hole to bury the two mice I caught in my garage (pesky varmints) and all of a sudden I hear this noise and I see these two black helicopters above me with guys with 30 cal machine guns hanging over the sides and then this convoy of black SUVs comes up the block with an armored truck in the middle. They stopped in front of the house and all these guys jump out with assault rifles taking positions all around the property. My neighbor across the street was cleaning his truck and one of these guys walks over to him and they have some words and this dude pistol whips my neighbor. Then this guy gets out of the armored truck with this big iron vault and opens it and brings me a steel case. He says he’s from some security outfit hired by an anonymous outfit to deliver something and he wants to know what it is. I said search me. He hands me the case and I thought he wanted to shake my hand but he cuts my finger saying he needs a DNA sample and I had to show him my Birth Certificate (long form) and three pieces of ID and have 4 neighbors vouch for me. Then they all got back in and left and the helicopters flew off. My neighbor was still lying in the street.
I had trouble opening the steel case. There was some lever on it and I got this blinding light in my eye, turned out it was some retinal scanner and then the box opened by itself.
Why it was the Signature King Straight Razor. First, it’s in a thick wrapping of craft paper made to look like newspaper from the late 19th century with headlines about the first Safety Razor being invented. Then you open that and there is this big wooden case. It looks like it was made by a master carpenter probably weighing 5 lbs made of some exotic wood from New Zealand. It has all these sold brass fittings on it. So you open that and there is a personal letter from the CEO of Gillette thanking you for buying the razor and there is a brochure covering the history of the Straight Razor on up through the current shaving razors they make. Then there is a pouch of the finest velvet and in that wrapped in the finest of linen is the razor.
Wow I was impressed. It’s about the size, overall of a typical large vintage English Wedge. A tad over 8/8ths. The scales were this stone like material really thick and heavy and when you hold it in the light you get flashes of green and brown and red and yellow, something about coprolites and it was mirror polished with cross hatched pattern cut into it like checkering on a gun grip. They had some spring loaded peening system so there was flexing when you open and close the razor. The balance was perfect. I noticed a USB port at the end of the razor and there was what looked like a solar cell near the end. On the toe end of the scales was what looked like an electric eye. The scales were attached with hex nuts and were expertly assembled. The scales were a perfect match and there wasn’t a flaw anywhere. The blade had a deeply scalloped spine and in the light the mirror polishing had a grey to purple hue to it. The actual edge at the bevel was like an accordion and you could see the tiny cutting edges, all 8 of them. They appeared to be held together in some transparent material that was faceted and looked like diamonds. The bevel was perfect. The blade itself had a laser etch saying Gillette in Old English script. Why it was the most perfect looking razor I ever laid my eyes on. Just looking at it, well it was a thing of wonder.
Boy, I couldn’t wait to shave with this baby. Yes, I lathered up with some Castle Forbes and when I put the blade to my face I felt kind of a jerk and I hear some funky voice say permission denied. What the? I pull out the 200 page instruction book and it says the razor will automatically analyze your skin and beard and shave prep and if anything is amiss it will not allow you to proceed and if you try you get tasered. Apparently the blade has some internal block or something. According to the instruction book I had to attach the USB to my computer and go on line and download some software and it printed out what was wrong with my prep. It said I used too little soap in prepping and my shave cream was not approved. Well, I had to run to the store to buy some Gillette foamy which it approved and as I put the razor to my face again I felt another jerk and it happened again. So I had to hook it up again and it said my angle was no good and there was too much pressure so it was obvious I’m not qualified with a straight to be permitted to use this razor. I had to go on-line and take a 12 hour correspondence course on how to shave the Gillette way. So that’s where I am right now. I’ll continue after I receive my diploma and they send a crew over to give me a practical test and pass a 4 hour written test and report back how the actual shave goes.
Oh, you want pictures right? Well, I tried to take some but when I put them on my computer all I got was a blank screen. The 100 page addendum to the instructions says NO PICTURES ALLOWED!
Something about alien cloaking technology which prevents certain activities with the razor and picture taking is one of them. I guess the testing crew will bring the Boron Carbide Strop with them when they come and instruct me on the “enhanced robotic cloud computing transmutational honing system”.
What?
