The True Story of Filarmonica Razors.
The True Story of Filarmonica
Hi Folks I’m Cornelius Dipslope and I’m the Editor-in-Chief of the Daily Rag and it be fallin to me to take you all on this wondrous journey to uncover the truth about our beloved straight razors. Festus Folsom our man on the road and his faithful companion Baaby the goat are hard at work to discover the real truth. We promise to tell it all be it good or bad yea, we don’t push no punches. I wanna thank all of you for the letters of concern I didn’t get from none of you since those space alien badger people done kidnapped all the folks in town and take them to that outer space place. Me and Festus was the only two to escape and we be in a secret mountain location far far away from anyone.
The last time we left off Festus had some difficulty in that France Place and after starting that blaze in that Chunnel they kicked him out of that place which was fortuitous since he wound up right in Spain where he wanted.
Originally those folks in Spain, they just be some wimpy people and they don’t even have the ability to defend themselves and one day those evil people from across the water come and invade and take over. They be the Moors. They be called that cause they have more of everything then the Spaniards. Eventually they learned their secrets of how to make good steel so they could get good weapons and then kick them out of Spain but the secret of making that famous steel was lost for a long time.
You all know the founder of Filarmonica was that Monserrat guy. When he was a kid he was a real puny guy and in school they used beat him up all the time and steal his lunch money and make fun of him. Even the girls used to beat him up. One day his father got tired of picking him up from school all messed up with his clothes all torn and so he took him down to the local Dojo where he practiced day and night with Sensei Quack for years until he become a highly competent Martial Arts dude. Yea then he go around and find all those guys who taunted him as a kid and he beat them up and extort money from them. He finally got so much money he didn’t know what to do with it so his Pa told him he should start some business.
You all know why it be called Filarmonica right? Yea he be a confused dude and have a girlfriend named Monica and a Boyfriend name Felipe so he just combined the two.
One day he be watching some old movie called Zorro and he thought it would be neat to make knives and swords. The problem was that steel they use in Spain be poor quality stuff so while he was visiting the National Museum in Madrid he grabbed a few old Swords by putting them down his pants which by the way caused a slight mishap with parts of his anatomy and he never be the same ever again. Yea, he walk funny and talk with that squeaky voice.
He melt down those old swords and he learn the secret of making good steel.(See this be the what you call it the tie down with the first part of this story. And you all think we be uneducated hillbillies eh?) About that time this General Franco dude told him he wanted him to make razors for the Spanish army but he didn’t want to make no puny razors. He wanted to be able to dress up as his hero Zorro and go out at night with his sword and terrorize the countryside. Instead he wound up in prison making License Plates. At night he read books and learn all about forging steel blades and some of those terrorist dudes from the East teach him about that fancy Damascus Steel and how to make it.
When he get out of prison he agreed to make razors for the Spanish Army and after the war General Franco give him all kinds of medals for his steel making and he start making razors for the public. His skills were widely known by then and there be no one else in Spain makin good razors so they had to import razors from other places and when folks saw the quality of these Filarmonica razors why they just couldn’t get enough of them. They tried to keep the quality a secret but that was impossible and Monserrat wouldnt increase his production cause he had a real small operation mostly family run and prices started to climb. He became richer and richer.
When he got older he became touched in the head and one day he dressed up as that Zorro fella and with his black costume and black horse and big sword went out to terrorize folks. Now it be known while he was a master with steel he didn’t know squat about horses and that horse had enough of being run into the ground and being given bad grub so one day he threw him and he landed right on his sword impaling himself and then the horse stomped all over him with that Z pattern. With him dead the company lost direction and finally folded.
Festus has been investigatin why the prices of these razors have been going up. He visited some of the folks who worked in the factory and he was told they had thousands of razors left over when the factory closed down. By then nobody wanted them and they were giving them away in Cracker Jacks Boxes in Spain. They said they be havin some secret communication with some fella in the U.S who used to go through them to buy all manner of fancy shavin soap and cream from Spain and France and he be a member of that there shavin site. Only through Baaaby’s superior intellect and powers of observation did she detect lies from some of those folks. Finally the shipping clerk broke down and admitted how he had been shipping thousands of razors to the U.S to this guy for a few pesetas each and he be hoarding these things for years now. Yea it be cause of this dude the prices been going up and he been planning when the price reaches $1000 per razor then he slowly sell off all these razors to these chumps on that shaving site. Festus demanded to be told the name of this guy but the former clerk he be payed off real good and wouldnt say the name. However when he be told how much Baaaby admired him and how she would have her way with him over and over and all the terrible things she would do with him he spilt the beans rite quick. He say the dudes name be OBIE.
Yea, that figures. I always wondered where he get all that money to buy all those fancy soaps and creams. Yea when Festus gets back to the U.S he gonna investigate this dude to find out what make him tic.
Next time we have a real treat for you. Festus gonna go to Pakistan and find out about all those razors people make fun of. He gonna watch them being made and Baaaby gonna eyeball those forging and honing techniques they use there. Rumors be that Osama Bin Laden and his organization be behind all those Pakistani Razors. Some grand scheme to torture Americans who use them and even more for those who restore them.
