Ho-Ho-Ho. First I want to thank the Bigspendur for allowing me to use his sign on rights to post this message. He's gonna get something special this holiday. I tried to get those mods here to allow me to post this but they wouldn't allow it. One even accused me of being a spammer and threatened to ban me forever. One said he would leave me out in the cold. Well, it's always cold up here but not as cold as his gift is gonna be. Yea, I have a gift for the rest of them, the reindeer are gonna leave a little deposit on their roofs.
Well, I've been checking my list once and twice and have been perusing what you shavers want this Christmas and to tell you the truth I didn't realize folks still used straight razors and DE razors. I thought guys like you died out years ago. I remember delivering all manner of shaving gifts back around the time of the Civil War (or was it the war of 1812 heck, one war is as good as another).
Just looking at the list of demands I had to crosscheck and that ain't easy with my commodore 64 computer. However I do see that some of you gents were very naughty boys this past year and you know who you all are. So for you guys I have a special magic gift for you. At the stroke of midnight on Christmas Eve all of your straight and DE razors will turn from metal to coal. You will have the choice between Lignite, Bituminous and Anthracite. Ho-Ho-Ho.
For you guys who have been so-so and just strayed a little I have a magic gift for you too. At the stroke of midnight on Christmas Eve all of your straight razors will only last 5 shaves before you have to hone them forever and ever. You guys will do penance for the world by your honing labor. Ho-Ho Ho.
For the rest of you who have been sterling examples or morality and honesty and have treated women and little children right and who voted for the correct guy this election cycle you will all get everything you deserve. You can count on it.
Oh, one last thing, if I find that dude who shined that laser in my eyes last year, he blinded us for hours I'm gonna.....
So everyone have a Merry Christmas and as I used to tell them during the Revolutionary War (or was it the French Revolution) watch those earlobes fellas.
Your buddy
Santa.
