Our friend Steve

Joan was taken off the ventilator, she has a mask now
they said if she has trouble they cant put her back on
They will make her comfortable, if her heart stops they wont restart it


she cant see me, she just stares
she will never talk, not even a noise, she will never undersatnd me, see me talk to me
there moving her out of ICU onto a neuoro ward
they thought last night was the end so they cakked me in, she is still breathing but for all intents and purposes she's a vegetable. i was there all nigh, i havent slept for, i dont know along time

god why her, she doesnt deserve this, it should be me
I hate to even think it but if she could just go to sleep gently and not wake up it would be better because I will have to tell thm to stop everything and let her go
I cant' im not strong enough' all i do is cry

Life is inconceivable without Joan

Whats the fucin point, theres jno point, i just wannt her back so much
She wouldnt want to live not even knowing she alive but I cant, please dint make me
someone come here and do it for me please

I need to go ow and sit
this house is full of her clothes and nick nacks
I hate thism i hate life without her
I did this to her
I was mean, I made her cry and now she dying, I cant tell her Im sorry
Im a horrible person and i made her have a stroke, I will never get over this, I dont want to

Im usless and im weak

No words for you Steve, none that would help.
Stay strong and steel yourself for whichever way this takes you, and your wife.
God bless.

.
.
I am so sorry to hear this.
I had to make that decision for my Mother. I could not ask her to live like that. It tore me up to do it but I had to show her mercy. My Mother and I had to do the same thing for her sister. The comfort is knowing that there is no more misery.
They have moved on.

Mercy.

Speak to her and tell her what you think. Who knows but she might hear you.

Then make any decision on what she would want.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by 32t

Speak to her and tell her what you think. Who knows but she might hear you.

Then make any decision on what she would want.

---

Im a weak man i dont think I can make it, shes not an animal to be put down, how can you say, ok kill her, shes the most import person in my life, and it would torture mr foever, i dserve to go to hell.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by STF

Im a weak man i dont think I can make it, shes not an animal to be put down, how can you say, ok kill her, shes the most import person in my life, and it would torture mr foever, i dserve to go to hell.

---

From what I see you are not saying "kill" her you are saying let her go.

What would she think?

To me that is the big thing. What would she want?

Steve, please seek help from someone like the Samaritans. You sound desperate, they can give you the help you need. God bless.

Do what is right for her. There should be people for you to talk to that can help you with your decisions you must make. Its hard but sometimes in life we dont have a choice. Be strong and do what you know is best

I feel ya buddy, hang in there.

Going thru a tussle myself right now. Just got word last nite, that my closest friends little brother (Donnie) has been diagnosed with stage 4 colon, lung, and brain cancer. He's now hospitalized, and not going to make it.

We all grew up together since third grade, like another family. I called his mother, mom , as I would my own. So yeah, I'm loosing my youngest brother very soon.

So I'm standing in the river of tears with ya buddy, your not along in this pain of loss.

Think of what christ endured for us , and know she's only going home. Your memories together will let her live on within you. Just remember the poem.... footprints in the sand

Attachment 350507

Steve, I hurt so much for you. No one knows what you are going through but we can still feel pain and empathy for you which is what I mean. I think you should forgive yourself for what you feel you have done. No one can cause a stroke. It's not fair to yourself to take this on yourself. Life is fleeting and the body is weak and impermanent. I feel sure that Joan would not blame you or want you to blame yourself. I agree with Tim. Tell her how you feel. No one knows what she is cognizant of. When my Dad was in his final days he just kept hanging on even though we could see that the end was eminent. It was torturous to watch. Then I remembered something I had heard from Hospice people when my mother in law was under their care. They said that sometimes people will hang on because they are worried about us and can't let go and that we should tell them it's okay and we'll be alright. Often then they feel release. I sat with him, held his hand and told him I loved him and that we would take care of Mom. A few minutes later he took a big breath and sighed and was gone. My point is not to say you should tell her to go but that she may hear more than you think. Talk to her. Ask for her forgiveness. I'm sure she has already given it.

Mark is right too. Talk to someone. A counselor, a priest, anyone. Personally I think you should have a priest pray with you. Tell God your worries. My faith is the raft I cling to while I'm adrift in a stormy sea. It's the only thing keeping me afloat at times including now. I wouldn't make it otherwise. I wish this for you and I continue to pray for you and for Joan.

FORGIVE YOURSELF. You have to find a way to.

Consider this. If the situation was reversed and you were in Joan's place, is there anything she could have done that you would not forgive her for...had already forgiven her for? My dear friend, I beg you to let that go. Trust me, you did not cause this.

I hope she goes peacefully of her own accord but if not i have been assured that ceasing her dialysis is the best thing that can be done for her.

She would feel nothing her toxins would slowly build until she went to sleep forever.

I need time, I hope I'm man enough - somehow i think i will have to for her sake but it will be the worst thing i have had to do in my life.

Have you ever stood in the grocery store crying like a baby in front of everyone?

Joan is going to meet god for sure, it has to be for her sake but i went into Freshco super market this afternoon for a few bits, it strange buying for one, anyway the bill wasn't big, $75.

I had plenty of money and had no problem paying but the lady behind me said "I'll pay for that, Happy Christmas". I said no, I told her i had money, she said she was paying it forward and she was paying.
I was speechless, really, I was so touched today of all days.

I couldn't stop crying, they must of thought there was something wrong with me - there is i suppose.

I told her about Joan and I am sorry i embarrassed her.

My God what an incredible thing, never heard of that before.

I cant believe it today of all days.

I hope she has a good life, she of all people deserves it.

My best to you too Mike. Loosing family at this time of year makes it a little harder. My mother pasted around this time. Both of you be strong.

You didn't make her have a stroke. If she were still there she would probably scold you or tease you for saying so, am I right? You are looking for somebody to blame for this awful thing and you can't find anyone, so you are blaming yourself, but there is no fault and no blame, it is just part of the frailty of the human life. If you were a horrible person you would not be able to feel the crushing sorrow you feel now. Guilt is one of the most counterproductive of all emotions and nobody who loves us wants us to feel it with as much depth as you are right now. You are kind of stuck with the sorrow. It goes hand in hand with loving someone or something that must one day leave this world, but the guilt you don't need. You need to lay that aside. You did nothing to earn it.

It sounds like she is no longer there with you, only her body. Now, you only have one last responsibility to her, one final duty. When you feel the time is right, do what you must do. There is no "killing" happening. This is just another page in the book and we don't get to read Volume II until it is our turn to go, too.

Meanwhile here on this Earth, you are never really dead as long as there are people who are still thinking of you. Think of the good stuff, the happy times. You both gave the best parts of your lives to each other and now you have to carry on but the memories will sustain. May God help you through this time of sorrow.

I got a cop at my house last night, rey say its too much and they think i might hurt myself, don't know who called them but i was in the hospital for 4 hours and there coming back tonight.

Better have a damn warrant this time or they can shout through the letter box.

My guess would be someone at the hospital. It's their legal obligation to call if they think someone is a danger to themselves or others. At least it's that way in the US. I'm sure it's so there too.

You are truly in a very tough situation but one many have found themselves to be in and with some help and support I'm sure you will get through this.

When my dad died he was bedridden with a breathing tube in him and there was no recovery. His only option was a respirator, a nursing home, a feeding tube and no speech and zero quality of life. He was able to make the decision and it was to withdraw the breathing tube. My brother and I had pretty much decided that was the best course. It was tough, very tough.

He had a long healthy life living to 99 but saying goodbye is never easy. When my turn comes I hope I can make the right decision.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by STF

I got a cop at my house last night, rey say its too much and they think i might hurt myself, don't know who called them but i was in the hospital for 4 hours and there coming back tonight.

Better have a damn warrant this time or they can shout through the letter box.

---

I am inclined to agree with you that it is none of their dam business, but their underlying motives are probably good. Why not invite them in for a beer or some coffee? Once they see you aren't ready for a rubber room and an I-love-myself coat, they will probably go away and never bother you again. Of course I could be wrong. I don't know how they do stuff in Canada. But there is no point in getting mad at them. They are doing what you and all the other voters and taxpayers are paying them to do.

Being cops, probably the more you resist and protest, the more stubbornly they will want to gain complete control over the situation, up to breaking down your door and rushing in with guns drawn, which I always thought was a pretty stupid and ironic way to deal with someone that they fear might want to harm himself. They always have to "win". It's "good police work". You just want them to go away and leave you alone, or at least talk to you like a normal human being, right? If they are likely to come in anyway by force, maybe inviting them in will put them off balance and take away their steam. Do you have a lawyer who can advise you on what they can or will do? And I think maybe you could use some professional advocacy in this matter, as much as I hate lawyers. IMHO all lawyers suck except Perry Mason but sometimes they are a necessary evil in this world that we have allowed them to create for us.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CrescentCityRazors

I am inclined to agree with you that it is none of their dam business, but their underlying motives are probably good. Why not invite them in for a beer or some coffee? Once they see you aren't ready for a rubber room and an I-love-myself coat, they will probably go away and never bother you again. Of course I could be wrong. I don't know how they do stuff in Canada. But there is no point in getting mad at them. They are doing what you and all the other voters and taxpayers are paying them to do.

Being cops, probably the more you resist and protest, the more stubbornly they will want to gain complete control over the situation, up to breaking down your door and rushing in with guns drawn, which I always thought was a pretty stupid and ironic way to deal with someone that they fear might want to harm himself. They always have to "win". It's "good police work". You just want them to go away and leave you alone, or at least talk to you like a normal human being, right? If they are likely to come in anyway by force, maybe inviting them in will put them off balance and take away their steam. Do you have a lawyer who can advise you on what they can or will do? And I think maybe you could use some professional advocacy in this matter, as much as I hate lawyers. IMHO all lawyers suck except Perry Mason but sometimes they are a necessary evil in this world that we have allowed them to create for us.

---

You make a lot of sense.
Today at the hospital i cried at a social worker, when i got home i cried on the phone to a nurse that specialized in emotional support apparently and an hour later i received a call fro a palliative care doctor, to answer questions and check on me.

I am expecting a visit from the police social worker tonight accompanied by a cop.

Tomorrow some therapist is going to see me when i visit Joan.

Why cant i just be left alone to deal with this.

The palliative care doctor said its not my fault, he is completely wrong, it all my fault.

I was mean to her, I even told her I would leave, I am a terrible terrible person.

she has cardiac myopithy which is also known as broken heart syndrome, I did this, i cant say I'm sorry and it's killing me.

I can't live alone, i have a 5 bedroom house with 2 kitchens.

I feel like a pea in a tin can the way i rattle around here. i talk to myself which is ok but i answer and have real conversations with myself.

No one will understand and i don't expect you too but i have started talking to a lady, I'm know Joan's alive but we talked about it a while ago and she told me I cant be alone, to find a nice girl.

Joan is not there, if she doesn't go to see her Mom before the New Year i will make the hardest decision in my life, i don't want to, I don't think I'm strong enough.

God i should go to hell but I feel calmer talking to her and i feel there might be a point to carry on.

You are all welcome to tell me how bad i am, that i don't care about Joan, its OK i deserve it but i feel less like going with her to show her where heaven is now.

Like i say, no one will understand and your welcome to tell me how bad i am, i probably deserve it but i hid nothing and she is supportive.

No, your acting like most folks in your situation do. They try to find some meaning in what is happening and decide it must have been something they did or said and then they can beat themselves up over it.

In reality it has nothing to do with you. It's a medical issue due to who knows what.

Folks are trying to help you. Accept their help and don't destroy yourself.

Yes Steve. Accept the help. No one can help you if you won't help yourself by being willing to be helped. All through the entirety of our lives we whistle past the graveyard in denial of death, all the while knowing that life is temporary. Everyone has an end out there lurking, waiting for us to reach our clock's final tick. Regardless of what happens with Joan yours has not come yet. Pain is part of life and we either accept it, heal and let life go on or we can let it destroy us. No matter which way we choose the emphasis is on the "let." You choose which way you go. You do not have to blame yourself. You do not have to race out and find someone else. You can be the master of the things you can control. You can't control Joan having a stroke. Sorry, but that is above your pay grade. You can, however control how you handle it. It's okay to feel pain and even guilt in the proper time. Now is the time for you to be there for Joan. Pull yourself together and be there for her. If those last 20 years you mention mean anything to you then you will honor them by being there for her. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but as your friend I have to tell you the truth and that is the truth. I love you brother, let us help you, let doctors and nurses and social workers and cops help you... PLEASE.

i have made the hardest decision of my life

Joan is having her final dialysis in the morning.

She will taken of all life sustaining measures except oxygen

They expect her to last maybe 2 days

i dont want her to die alone with strangers

she will be home tomorrow afternoon

she will be in her own house, in he own bedroom and she wont be alone

I have been warned that this will be hard, that i will be awake for as long as she is with me to give her pain meds, and keep her comfortable, they arent oral because she can't swallow

whatever, i will do what it takes so she can go in her own bedroom with the man she loves, that loves her.

she wont be alone and she wont go in a hospital with strangers


Any way she wont see christmas so i am going to tell her its Chritmas on Friday, she wont know its not, she wont understand me but Friday is Christmas Day and it will be from now on

She will get her last Christmas

i wanted to tell someone, i dont know when i can post next

happy Christmas to all of you

.
.
Tough decision, tough road ahead.
You have done the right thing for her.
I wish you better days.

Steve,
I am so sorry to hear this. I have the deepest sympathy for you. We here in my home and church family will continue to send prayers for peace for you both. Make sure to talk to her. People who have had near death experiences all say that they are aware of themselves and their loved ones as their soul leaves their body. Even if this were not so it should prove cathartic for you. Hold on to God's promises and know that He will not let you be alone if you seek Him.

You have done the right thing Steve. Stay strong and my thoughts are with you.

she is on the way home
oxygen is here and runnin the hospital bed has our sheets on it
I have got turkey gravy, they said as long as i squeeze liquid out so it doesnt go into her lung i can swab her tongue and let her taste her her favourite thing, tomato juice turkey gravy because tomorrow is Christmas day
even some wine

just to swab her tongue

Let her get the taste

any way anytime now, nurses doctors psw respitaory theepist are all coming psw 4 times a day even an eshift lady that sits all night so i can try to rest, she can give pain meds and wake me if anything happens.

i have to say, im impressed and im not in the mood to get impressed easily

I have never heard of tomato juice turkey gravy.

We are having a turkey for christmas and I will have to look that up!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by 32t

I have never heard of tomato juice turkey gravy.

We are having a turkey for christmas and I will have to look that up!

---

lol missed the comma

This is the hardest thing I've ever done, she's asleep for a few minutes and then i am back to holding her hand so she doesn't rip her central line out, she has got most of the dressing off and is she succeeds i will spend hours applying pressure to stop the flood of blood
my god im tired
i have both ears open for when she wakes, I tried to tie her hand down but i felt like such a terrible person I untied it again.

If she woke up and recognized me or pointed at the tv i would do this for as many years at it takes gladly.

Oh no shes snoring and that will wake her up, gottta go

her oxygen is going down, she is going, fuck what can i do, she canr go, Im nothing without her

3/4 of a bottle of whisky, It is like water im not even a little bit drunk

pleaase make her stay

I'm sorry Steve. Praying for you both even as we speak.

time of death 12:16 am

I'm so sorry Steve. She is free of this world now and not in pain. Rest in peace Joan.

Very sorry for your loss Steve.
May she rest in peace.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by stoneandstrop

Very sorry for your loss Steve.
May she rest in peace.

---

She is in a better place and sufferibg no more

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by STF

lol missed the comma

---

I have looked it up and there is a recipe for that.

We will be having that for dinner in memmory of Joan.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by 32t

I have looked it up and there is a recipe for that.

We will be having that for dinner in memmory of Joan.

---

I appreciate the sentiment, sounds gross so let me know how it turns out.

maybe I'l lrename it Joans sauce and make it a regular.

I leaving early in the morning, just a few days break and get away from the house, I'm going to Cornwall and back on the 27th.

I am going on the 28th to see Joan and say goodbye before they close the casket, I hope she likes the one i chose.
It has engraved roses and its for women specifically.

It will be hard and I am sure i will be very upset but she isn't suffering and shes in heaven with her Mom.

The funeral will be in Toronto in the family plot on the 3rd, Christmas and new Year delays things a bit but I'm sure she will understand.

My condolences to You and Your Family, Steve.
Hang with friends and family. Most of all, take care of YOU. She would want that.