Sobering Events in Your Life

I've been thinking about this post I'm now writing for for the past month and a half. It is not being written to elicit any level of sympathy but to make you, the reader hopefully, more aware of family dynamics and to hope you will take a look at your life at this time and to heal any discord growing in your family.

My eldest, a woman of good intellect, and an international reputation for her work, started to show signs of a debilitating condition about two years ago. We frequently talked via telephone when she would be on a late afternoon walk (for her - she lives in Indiana and I am in Oregon) and slowly, over time, her condition surfaced heavily in our conversation. Despite a strong support group and access to excellent therapy via a major University where she lives it developed to where she could not phone me anymore. Then came the phone call no parent ever wanted to hear. My son-in-law called me early in January that her condition had developed to where she became confused and frustrated with daily life and started to act out violently. He told me he had put her in a nursing home for her safety. She has an advanced case of Aphasia and has become but a whisper of herself.

My youngest son immediately booked travel for himself and me and we saw her mid-January. She did not recognize us the first day we visited. On the next day, our presence became familiar, to a point, and she reacted favorably. She is diminished both mentally and physically and paces the nursing home hallways endlessly. She vaguely knew who I was and on an outside walk, she let me hold her hand. Later that day we had lunch with her, my son, my son-in-law, and some friends of theirs who have been a strong support for them. It was a wide-ranging talk and past family events surfaced there was one where, out of the blue she said, in a strong voice that showed no signs of impairment, "I remember that!" and then reverted to her current condition. Many little triggers give one false hope that this pernicious condition will reverse itself and she will be her old self again. There is no reversal.

When we left to return to Oregon my son told me that it would be useless to say goodbye to her since she would not remember we were even there. He has had 18 years of how to handle a similar situation with an adopted at-birth daughter who has severe epilepsy and is mentally challenged as a result. Needless to say, he is my anchor in all this. I am told the progress of this condition is six to twelve years and she is now three years into it. I am at an advanced age where I am thinking of what legacy I will be leaving for my children and there is one sobering thought that keeps coming to the fore, that of the event of one of your children passing before you do. I am sure to most of us this is as unnatural as it can get.

What I am trying to say is that please take a moment to look over your life and to take a moment or two to tell your kids, regardless of age or level in life, that you love them and care for them even if they are fully grown adults.

Although I I have never been in your situation "think" I understand you.

It is important to support the ones we love and let them know at any availiable oportunity that we do.

Very sorry you have to go through this.
It is a tragedy no parent should have to endure, that is for sure.
I wish I had more words of comfort even though I know that is not what you want.
Your message is a good one we should all take note of. I tell my kids and all grandkids I love them every time I see them. You just never know.
As we age we become more aware of what might cease to exist in an instant. Embrace your time with those you love and let them know it.
I would feel terrible, as I'm sure many do, not being able to do it because of circumstances beyond your control.

Heartbreaking.

My prayers are with you and your family Richard. I'm sorry you are having this pain in your life.

I can't imagine what you're going through.

Maybe it's because I'm over emotional because my wife died but your post has me in tears.

I wish you and her the best, stay strong and if you need to talk in private, I'm here for you.

I'll give you my phone number if you need someone real to talk to.

My friend, my heart is with you. I hope you find some peace throughout this trying time.

My best to you my friend. When the years start piling up on us and loved ones its hard to deal with at times. Stay strong and thank you for the reminder to say "I love you" to our close friends and family. They may need it more than we do but its still important.

STF, thank you for your offer. My youngest son who was with me on the trip has turned out to be my stalwart support. His experience with his daughter has provided him with the strength necessary to deal with events such as this one. He lives 40 miles from me and is reachable by phone and email at all times. Because my family enjoys black humor (thanks to me) he knows just the phrase (read insult) to jolt me out of any negative feelings I might be having. Time is the great healer only in the fact that it allows events such as this one to slowly fade till it is a back-of-the-mind memory (it never goes away and is 100% recallable at any time.)

Wow, that is a tough situation, both with your daughter and your adopted granddaughter.

As you say, none of us ever figures that our children will die or become incapacitated before we do, but my sister's 6 year old son was killed by a car nearly 45 years ago. She and her husband stayed together, but they never had another child; the pain was just too great.

I have one daughter, one granddaughter and my sister. Since my sister has no direct heirs, I do not plan to include her in my will. I have no nephews or nieces to consider. I hope my daughter can outlive both me and my wife as we need someone to look after our affairs in old age. We are not quite at that point, but it might not be far in the future.

Thanks for the reminder that we should always express love when we have a chance to do so and our loved ones are still capable of acknowledging that love. Having someone whom you love being incapable of recognition your love is heartbreaking. Please draw your extended family close as you work through this together.

Wow, Richard. Such a pile of things at once.
Sometimes, I feel that some of the old women/men are limped along to be a voice of reason and family. I see where you are coming from.
Moses had to live for hundreds of years to keep the people on the path. I hope it doen't take that long for me to accomplish that.

At the same time, I am always convinced that YOU will be the rock and ultimate example to your family. Bad times are truly trying. Most everyone can relate.
Blessings upon you and yours and staying with the Amidah will heal.

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Originally Posted by sharptonn

Wow, Richard. Such a pile of things at once.
Sometimes, I feel that some of the old women/men are limped along to be a voice of reason and family. I see where you are coming from.
Moses had to live for hundreds of years to keep the people on the path. I hope it doen't take that long for me to accomplish that.

At the same time, I am always convinced that YOU will be the rock and ultimate example to your family. Bad times are truly trying. Most everyone can relate.
Blessings upon you and yours and staying with the Amidah will heal.

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“Wisdom is with the aged, and understanding in length of days” (Job 12:12).

“I said, 'Let days speak, and many years teach wisdom. ' But it is the spirit in man, the breath of the Almighty, that makes him understand” (Job 32:7-8).

An old blessing for you that is just as pertinent today as it was 3500 years ago.
"May the Lord bless you and keep you: May the Lord make His face shine upon you, and be gracious unto you: May the Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace."

We all go through life dealing with the usual tragedies and events both good and bad every one of us experiences. It's a part of life. However under the surface there are folks, a lot of them who are dealt a very bad hand in the game of life and have such incredibly horrible lives it's beyond most of us even beginning to imagine.

In my case my older son is mentally impaired and requires pretty constant looking after as well as constant medical issues. My wife and are don't live normal lives because of this and that's just how it is. We deal with this "community" and it's grim.

So, I would say to all of you, be thankful you don't have to deal with things many others have to deal with. Richard, with his years of wisdom has said it all in the best way.

Something about that very old saying "There but for the grace of God go I".

Big, thank you for those kind words but you need to know that despite my years supposedly giving me wisdom I have no idea where the words come from when I write them. It is almost like automatic writing with a big chunk of subconscious thrown in. I do learn from my own (if not channeled from somewhere) words and can put on a convincing air of wisdom. In the back of it, I am still a 16-17 year old at heart. The only bit I have learned over the years is to laugh at my image in the mirror in the morning and look forward to what the world is going to give me as opposed to what I want out of the day.

That sounded pretty wise to me Richard. Poets, prophets and wise men alike recognize that the truly wise understand how little they actually know. "The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice." PR 12:15

I think in my humble opinion that you should give yourself more credit and trust in your own heart and mind.

I nearly died in early October. I had a complication over a bout of diverticulitis. My body was at the highest level of infection before death. I went through an emergency, exploratory surgery in October and another last week. The whole thing has been quite humbling. I’ve learned a lot about pain. And I’ve gained a lot of respect and admiration for a great number of people. And I’ve learned a lot about how much other people in my life care for me. While pain, immobility, and dependence have been on the menu daily, gratitude has been biggest take away. The holidays will be ruined this year. My vacation time has been eaten up by this. And my bank account is being drained. But I’m very grateful to be here.

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Wow! So sorry to hear that. I will add you to my prayer list. Try to keep up your morale.

Take care. Recovery is around the corner.

Wishing you a full recovery. Keep up the good fight you are almost there.

Bob

Hopefully they have figured it out this time and there won't be a third time!
It is an eye opening experience for sure when you become incapacitated and truly require help to move and simply exist, particularly if you are the type of person that is strong and more private in how you feel physically normally.
Speedy recovery and take solace from those around you.

This past August and September I had a high fever that same and went and came back again. At one point I was delirious from the temperature and my wife thought I was having a stroke. She drove me to emergency where they triaged me to the head of the line.

They:
- hooked me up to the full monitoring setup
- took two blood cultures
- an MRI
- a CT scan
- several blood tests

They couldn?t identify the cause of my fever, but were able to tell me that there was no evidence of a stroke of any kind and sent me home.

That night I passed out in the bathroom and was ambulanced back to emergency in the morning. My fever had not gone down at all and my blood pressure was dropping. Because the hospital already had me on file, I was put immediately into emergency care for more monitoring and tests. My blood test results from the previous day showed a dangerously low platelet count.

Over my two visits to emergency, I had been seen by a neurologist, an internist, an infectious disease specialist and several GPs. The conclusion was that I had picked up some sort of bacterial or viral infection and the fever and platelet counts were a result of my body trying to fight it off.

I was admitted to a ward as soon as a bed was available that day. Because they thought I might be contagious, I was placed in a private room with an infectious disease protocol for staff and visitors. I was in that room for 4 days receiving IV antibiotics 4 times a day and getting several blood samples taken a day.

When I was released from the hospital, I was put on a 10-day course of the antibiotic recommended for Lyme disease. It turns out that the blood cultures they had taken on my first visit to emergency had to be sent to a specialized infectious disease lab in another province and the results were not be available for 10 days. The diagnosis was anaplasmosis, a bacterial infection resulting from a tick bite. The infectious disease specialist, who had visited and interviewed me 3 times, had suspected that, but I was only the third case in Ontario.

I?m fine now and very grateful to the nurses, doctors, paramedics and technicians who helped me and to my wife and children who travelled long distances to be with me.

All this may be of interest, but it?s not the main reason I am sharing this experience.

My American relatives and friends tell me they always worry about the potentially devastating financial fallout from a serious illness or injury for them or a family member.

I am woefully uninformed about healthcare costs in the US, but I assume that the care and treatment I received could have bankrupted someone who did not have adequate health insurance there.

My total cost for the care I received was $0. My wife and I do have private extended health insurance that we pay for, but it was not needed.

Boy, that's a can of worms and maybe best left for another thread. I'd hate to see this one turn into a heated discussion about a topic that is largely political in nature

Yes, that is a topic that can be a can of worm once opened. To be fair the cost issue was brought by the OP in his post. All I'll say is the US has their system and Canada has theirs. The two are different and I'd bet improvements to each of them would be welcomed on either side of the border. That is something they both have in common.

Bob

Well put. What I will say is that any system is better than no system which is the natural order of things. The only sure thing about life is death. What happens in between dust and dust is the messy part. I think sometimes people think that there is something wrong with a system where people fall ill. In reality any healthcare is more than what the world owes us which is nothing. Certainly there is room for improvemnts always. And we should always do our best with the available resources. Perspective is the key. Where we err is when we think we are owed good health, straight teeth and absence of body odor.

Divers aticulitus ain't no joke. Buddy of mine had several feet of his intestines removed, to treat it. Then a year later lost a eye to cancer. He's good now, so hold on OCD.

This years end has been very humbling for me. I should have died twice, from both my heart attacks over the past few years, but walked away unsaved, only to watch my closest friend and fishing buddy since childhood, be eaten up by cancer, and sent back home to God. Was sooo thankful we got to say goodbye, just hours before he passed ( Just like the movies ) Only to have to do it again a month later, for my little brother, from my other mother. My only close friend left, is his older brother...and he's not in too good of shape either.

Death doesn't bother me...it's inevitable. But I think my greatest fear will come true. I'll be the last one standing, in my circle of close friends and life. I guess I'm the bearer of last wishes, to those I've loved.

So take a moment, call up those that are still important to u, say hello, tell them what they mean to u before u can't. It makes carrying on a lot easier.

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Originally Posted by outback

Divers aticulitus ain't no joke. Buddy of mine had several feet of his intestines removed, to treat it. Then a year later lost a eye to cancer. He's good now, so hold on OCD.

This years end has been very humbling for me. I should have died twice, from both my heart attacks over the past few years, but walked away unsaved, only to watch my closest friend and fishing buddy since childhood, be eaten up by cancer, and sent back home to God. Was sooo thankful we got to say goodbye, just hours before he passed ( Just like the movies ) Only to have to do it again a month later, for my little brother, from my other mother. My only close friend left, is his older brother...and he's not in too good of shape either.

Death doesn't bother me...it's inevitable. But I think my greatest fear will come true. I'll be the last one standing, in my circle of close friends and life. I guess I'm the bearer of last wishes, to those I've loved.

So take a moment, call up those that are still important to u, say hello, tell them what they mean to u before u can't. It makes carrying on a lot easier.

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Dear God you hit the nail on the head. Dear God you hit it right in the head. If God sees you fit to be the last one standing. He has faith in you to be a source of comfort to those crossing over. I have been reaching out to those I care about so much more than I used to. In the end that love for each other is all that matters. Let your spirit spread among everyone. I truly believe that’s what God wants.

The closing ceremonies took place today. Stitches were removed. Unless the healing process doesn’t go as planned, I don’t see her again. If you are the praying type, I ask that you say a prayer of thanks for the truly fine people that care for us. They are the answers to most of our prayers. This woman saved my life. I will always be grateful.

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There is nothing like having an experience where you think it's time to see the big man to put into perspective what is truly important in life.

On this New Year's Eve, I wish everyone a coming year of good health and well-being, free from stress and financial problems. As is usual my eve will be spent in contemplation over the new year and a sunset lighting of a series of 24-hour memorial candles. One for each parent, siblings, and friends I have lost (both alive and deceased) and for all the pets I have had to date. While it can be a sobering event, I consider it a time to remember the good, often funny, and hilarious times. I'm not a drinker, but tonight I will have a strong one in honor of them all. I not a saccharine person but count your blessings and damn the rest.

An update. My blessed daughter passed away about a month ago. Despite knowing, it would happen sooner than desired, the grief and sorrow that comes with it hit hard. The only saving grace I could see in all of this is that my memory of her will always be of her charm and accomplishments. She was only 57. I am finding out that old age has a few perks in it. The major one, for me, is that while I grieve for those lost to me, I daily, mentally celebrate their lives. Sorrow is only temporary, fleeting and negative and detrimental to positive living and has no place in our lives. Living as positive as possible and minimizing the aches of sorrow is a daily, living event honoring the good memories of those past. Living to a ripe old age (early 90s) has its moments, both good and bad, and the bad is alleviated by a wicked, black humor that surfaces anytime it gets too hard to continue. My son of note is right there with the black humor words that keep me on a positive path.

Very sorry for your loss.
Humor, I believe, Is about the best trait one can have and the most useful to get through life.
I have met a few over the years with simply no sense of humor at all, its sad to me.
There is not really anything better for the soul than having a good laugh with others that have the same sense of humor in good times and bad.
Again, my condolences.

So sorry to hear of her passing my friend. Yes humor is good for the heart but don't forget that it's okay to grieve and sadness is part of the process of healing.

Dude that is very sad. However those are beautiful and amazing words. I may have to save them for future reference.

Sorry for your loss. It's good your son is there for you.

My Dad lived to 99 and was active almost to the end. He talked often about seeing every friend and relative he ever had pass. He would talk about getting up every day and first be thankful he had another day and then think "Today is a good day to die". My brother and I used to think, he's so healthy he's gonna live forever. Of course no one does.

I guess there is a certain philosophy of life you have to have if you reach that longevity.

That's the Vandal Savage dilemma. We all want more time and rightly so. "What is your life? You are but a mist that is here for a little while and then vanishes." The real sticking point we tell ourselves is aging and diminishment of health. But what if we could live young and in good health forever, would we? Would we really? The natural reaction is, "of course!" But think about what that would mean; watching others born, mature, age and die around us; watching all the "wars and rumors of wars"; seeing man's inhumanity to man nonstop. Maybe it wouldn't be so great after all. Imagine a time when you had done everything you could imagine doing and especially if the rest of the entire human race had died off or self destructed and become just another extinct creature. To spend enternity watching the world of man in his "toilsome labor under the sun," or worse, to spend it all alone may not be so great after all. Even if the rest of mankind was immortal also might there come a time when it was just...enough?

So what then?... Well, east of Eden, in my mind it is best to heed the words of "the teacher,"

"For the living know that they will die,
but the dead know nothing; they have
no further reward, and even the memory
of them is forgotten.

Their love, their hate and their jealousy
have long since vanished; never again
will they have a part in anything that
happens under the sun.

Go, eat your food with gladness, and
drink your wine with a joyful heart, for it
is now that God favors what you do.
Always be clothed in white, and always
anoint your head with oil.

Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love,
all the days of this meaningless life that
God has given you under the sun- all
your meaningless days. For this is your
lot in life and in your toilsome labor
under the sun.

Whatever your hand finds to do, do it
with all your might, for in the grave,
where you are going, there is neither
working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom."

Sad news. By best to you in this hard time.