Thread: Sobering Events in Your Life

I've been thinking about this post I'm now writing for for the past month and a half. It is not being written to elicit any level of sympathy but to make you, the reader hopefully, more aware of family dynamics and to hope you will take a look at your life at this time and to heal any discord growing in your family.

My eldest, a woman of good intellect, and an international reputation for her work, started to show signs of a debilitating condition about two years ago. We frequently talked via telephone when she would be on a late afternoon walk (for her - she lives in Indiana and I am in Oregon) and slowly, over time, her condition surfaced heavily in our conversation. Despite a strong support group and access to excellent therapy via a major University where she lives it developed to where she could not phone me anymore. Then came the phone call no parent ever wanted to hear. My son-in-law called me early in January that her condition had developed to where she became confused and frustrated with daily life and started to act out violently. He told me he had put her in a nursing home for her safety. She has an advanced case of Aphasia and has become but a whisper of herself.

My youngest son immediately booked travel for himself and me and we saw her mid-January. She did not recognize us the first day we visited. On the next day, our presence became familiar, to a point, and she reacted favorably. She is diminished both mentally and physically and paces the nursing home hallways endlessly. She vaguely knew who I was and on an outside walk, she let me hold her hand. Later that day we had lunch with her, my son, my son-in-law, and some friends of theirs who have been a strong support for them. It was a wide-ranging talk and past family events surfaced there was one where, out of the blue she said, in a strong voice that showed no signs of impairment, "I remember that!" and then reverted to her current condition. Many little triggers give one false hope that this pernicious condition will reverse itself and she will be her old self again. There is no reversal.

When we left to return to Oregon my son told me that it would be useless to say goodbye to her since she would not remember we were even there. He has had 18 years of how to handle a similar situation with an adopted at-birth daughter who has severe epilepsy and is mentally challenged as a result. Needless to say, he is my anchor in all this. I am told the progress of this condition is six to twelve years and she is now three years into it. I am at an advanced age where I am thinking of what legacy I will be leaving for my children and there is one sobering thought that keeps coming to the fore, that of the event of one of your children passing before you do. I am sure to most of us this is as unnatural as it can get.

What I am trying to say is that please take a moment to look over your life and to take a moment or two to tell your kids, regardless of age or level in life, that you love them and care for them even if they are fully grown adults.

Although I I have never been in your situation "think" I understand you.

It is important to support the ones we love and let them know at any availiable oportunity that we do.

Very sorry you have to go through this.
It is a tragedy no parent should have to endure, that is for sure.
I wish I had more words of comfort even though I know that is not what you want.
Your message is a good one we should all take note of. I tell my kids and all grandkids I love them every time I see them. You just never know.
As we age we become more aware of what might cease to exist in an instant. Embrace your time with those you love and let them know it.
I would feel terrible, as I'm sure many do, not being able to do it because of circumstances beyond your control.

Heartbreaking.

My prayers are with you and your family Richard. I'm sorry you are having this pain in your life.

I can't imagine what you're going through.

Maybe it's because I'm over emotional because my wife died but your post has me in tears.

I wish you and her the best, stay strong and if you need to talk in private, I'm here for you.

I'll give you my phone number if you need someone real to talk to.

My friend, my heart is with you. I hope you find some peace throughout this trying time.

My best to you my friend. When the years start piling up on us and loved ones its hard to deal with at times. Stay strong and thank you for the reminder to say "I love you" to our close friends and family. They may need it more than we do but its still important.

STF, thank you for your offer. My youngest son who was with me on the trip has turned out to be my stalwart support. His experience with his daughter has provided him with the strength necessary to deal with events such as this one. He lives 40 miles from me and is reachable by phone and email at all times. Because my family enjoys black humor (thanks to me) he knows just the phrase (read insult) to jolt me out of any negative feelings I might be having. Time is the great healer only in the fact that it allows events such as this one to slowly fade till it is a back-of-the-mind memory (it never goes away and is 100% recallable at any time.)

Wow, that is a tough situation, both with your daughter and your adopted granddaughter.

As you say, none of us ever figures that our children will die or become incapacitated before we do, but my sister's 6 year old son was killed by a car nearly 45 years ago. She and her husband stayed together, but they never had another child; the pain was just too great.

I have one daughter, one granddaughter and my sister. Since my sister has no direct heirs, I do not plan to include her in my will. I have no nephews or nieces to consider. I hope my daughter can outlive both me and my wife as we need someone to look after our affairs in old age. We are not quite at that point, but it might not be far in the future.

Thanks for the reminder that we should always express love when we have a chance to do so and our loved ones are still capable of acknowledging that love. Having someone whom you love being incapable of recognition your love is heartbreaking. Please draw your extended family close as you work through this together.

Wow, Richard. Such a pile of things at once.
Sometimes, I feel that some of the old women/men are limped along to be a voice of reason and family. I see where you are coming from.
Moses had to live for hundreds of years to keep the people on the path. I hope it doen't take that long for me to accomplish that.

At the same time, I am always convinced that YOU will be the rock and ultimate example to your family. Bad times are truly trying. Most everyone can relate.
Blessings upon you and yours and staying with the Amidah will heal.