A christmas wish from Shanghai to all my unknown friends here on SRP.
The Night Before Christmas – Shanghai Style
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T’was the night before Christmas, and all throughout Shanghai,
Not a creature was stirring, except for a few restless Laowai.
Tattered clothes were hung outside balconies with care,
As they dried and soaked up the smog-infested air.
Little Emperors were nestled all snug in their beds,
All dreaming of cash-filled envelopes colored red.
So I sat down for a cup of Baijiu and a Peking Duck Christmas feast,
Then laid down hoping St. Nicholas would soon be in the Far East.
When outside my Lane House there arose such a clatter,
It was a cage filled with live chicken, so I knew nothing was the matter.
But just passed the Metro line I saw a figure in the night,
And a fat man on a red bicycle started coming into my sight!
As he and his reindeer pedaled towards my Shikumen stone gate,
I heard a British expat in the alley shouting, “F*** Off, Mate!”
Without batting an eye or thinking twice,
The man kept pedaling towards me, announcing his price.
Now 200RMB! Now, 100RMB!, his “Last Last” price came so quick!
I soon found out that this man could not be St. Nick.
Because in the back of his “sleigh”, as he shouted with glee,
“I have fake Uggs, fake Nike, and other intellectual property.”
His eyes, his cheeks – how they would twinkle and shine,
Then he spit on the sidewalk and let people cut in line.
All the pushing and shoving was led by one obnoxious guy,
Producing a Christmas Spirit that you could only see in Shanghai.
But through all the commotion of this selfish majority,
Appeared one nightstick-bearing government authority.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Everyone fled and then he turned with a jerk.
“Don’t sell on my block; consider this a threat,
Unless you bring me a pack of my favorite cigarettes!”
So like a crazy taxi driver, the vendor pedaled out of sight,
And the guard’s belly shook as he laughed asking someone for a light.
I started back to my Lane House, and felt a rumble down below,
And headed straight for my squat toilet, ‘cause I really had to go.
The Baijiu and Duck came out like a flash,
And when I was done I threw the rest in the trash.
After a long winter’s night, I finally sprang back into bed,
Then I heard the guard knocking, and this is what he said,
“Get out of bed, I don’t have to tell you why,”
And so it ends, just another Christmas in Shanghai.
