Thebigspendurs Weekly Shaving Brainbuster #56

[thebigspendur]

Good morning shaving fiends

First thing this morning I got a call from Festus, they had deported him from Iran. He said those deformed scientists had been found wandering around in the desert and when they saw them…why…they looked just like Festus. So they summoned him to the Grand Ayatollah who questioned him and asked him what was up with the goats. Festus also had some snakes in his jacket and when the Ayatollah turned away they bit the Grand Ayatollah on the butt. After he recovered he said he had a vision and decided Festus was really the Devil so they immediately threw him in a sack and drove him to the nearest border and dumped him out. So now he’s wandering around the desert with his goats. He said the other day he was sitting next to a shrub of some kind and it just caught fire and now he’s hearing voices…hmmmm.

We’ve been having a great time over here. Yesterday we went fishing. A few pounds of dynamite in the water and it brought up all kinds of fish. We tied the singing chimp to a homemade parachute and suspended him behind the boat and he was probably 300 feet in the air. Unfortunately I failed knot making in the Boy Scouts and the knot came apart. Sasquatch’s girlfriend (we now call her Swampy) grabbed the line and was trying to keep it from blowing away. Sasquatch was sitting there laughing his butt off and she was getting mad. She finally let go and fell in the ocean and the chimp was carried away. The first thing she did when she got in the boat was she slapped Sasquatch upside his head, boy that was funny. Then she told him who the boss was and how things was gonna go down form here on in. I leaned over to him and said you glad you brought her along now? He gave me a look like Brutus did.

It took us three hours to find the singing chimp and it was good we did because some shark was chasing him and he was scheduled to be in that old boys dinner plate rite quick. That shark came up to the boat and started biting it and Cletus threw a vial of Nitro in his mouth and then we started hitting him over the head with the Louisville Slugger and then he blowed up. There was nothing left of him. Jethro didn’t bother checking on the fuel and we quickly ran out so we tied ropes to the chimps and threw them overboard and told them to start swimming and pull us. Swampy threw Sasquatch into the water and told him to swim too-har har. I could hear him muttering something but couldn’t quite make it out.

We finally got back to our resort and by then we was all tuckered out so after a wonderful fish dinner we decided to just relax. They had one of those boxes that has moving pictures in it but it didn’t work so Cletus pulled it’s insides out and stuck his head in there and started making all kinds of faces and telling jokes.

Sasquatch had climbed up in the superstructure and set up his Proglide array and was wiring it back to his room. Swampy put the wire in an outlet and electrocuted him. His fur was singed and smoking. Boy I never seen him so mad.

Jethro and Auntie got into the control room and I guess they activated something and the whole place shook and made a dreadful racket and in the distance I could see other resorts and they was all on fire. There was this black stuff coming into the resorts so we decided we better all leave. Cletus said he knew how to stop this. He heard all you have to do was set off an explosion and it would seal everything off so he dropped a vial of Nitro down the pipe and the whole resort was like gone. We had to fish Cletus out of the water. He was in a daze.

On the way back we was stopped by the Coast Guard and they asked us if we had seen anything suspicious out there on the water. The singing chimp said no not at all. They was looking at us a long time but by then you could see the flames in the distance so they left in a hurry.

We got back to the dock and Jethro wasn’t too good at steering that boat and he crashed it into the pier and hit a few other boats and there was this reception committee waiting for us. It was the sheriff and he was talking about some stolen boat but when he saw the crew I told him they was oil workers and they been covered with oil and got all burnt up fighting the fire out there meanwhile the pier collapsed into the water sending them all into the water and we paddled out of there into one of those bayous they have down there. We hiked out of there with Swampy leading the way. We passed some dude who said he was a huntin turtles. I said what for? He said he likes to look at them and always seems to drop them cracking their shells so then he just puts them out of their misery and uses their shells to make water basins or something like that.

In the morning Cletus and I walked into town and went over to Fred’s R.V Paradise and bought a 40 foot motor home. We picked up the crew and headed out. Yea we was really traveling in style now. Only thing was it was kind of dark and stuffy in there so we just knocked some strategic holes in the walls to get more light and air in. Baaby likes to stick her head out the hole while we’re travelling and the Chimps like to jump in and out of the holes. But we have a mystery on our hands, there was this little room with a water spigot on the ceiling and this white stone thing on the floor that had water in it and when you push a handle the water vanished but then came back. Auntie said that one of those new fangled washing machines. The Missus said she’d seen those them’s a dishwasher. Jethro said no you put your feet in there to wash them. The badger said no that’s a bathtub for me. Baaaby said that’s my water trough. Cletus said that’s one of those new fangled automatic water basins. Mr Sasquatch just sat there looking at us shaking his head. The chimps were having too much fun running around the campground terrorizing the people. Some old Geezer asked if there was a midget in a suit. Just then Sasquatch came out and the old geezer must have had a fright and dropped dead right there.

So the shaving brainbuster for this week concerns Swampy and Sasquatch. Since she layed down the law to him she told him she don’t cotton to no hairy ape man. She wants a clean shavin man. Sasquatch only uses razors to trim his hair. So what kind of shaving setup should he get since he’ll be shavin every day now. Maybe you guys could recommend a razor and a brush and some soap. Maybe he needs a special size or grind. He has very sensitive skin and very fine hair.

Also, can someone please tell me what the dang white thing is in that little room in the RV? Swampy wants to use it to cook our dinner.

Oh and now that we’s a heading back home we got a score to settle with that bigspendur fella.

[nun2sharp]

I would like to recommend a big W&B "chopper" for his large hands and face, any soap from Colleen is good but he may find that Swampy likes the smell of Tabac, any good badger brush with a large bloom should do the trick,. As for the little white thingy, thats a casserole pot, help yourself.

[Kees]

4/8 le Dandy for sensitive skin and thin hair, no meat choppers etc.

Coticule for sharpening, TM strop and Proraso shaving cream. By all accounts plenty badgers around so he can miake his own brush by borrowing some hairs from his badger friends.

Forget about the after shave: why use it when you take a bath once a month by diving into a smelly swamp?

[thebigspendur]

Crown Prince Josef pretender to the throne of the Austro-Hungarian Empire wrote in. He wants to know if Swampy shaves her legs?

[Kees]

Crown Prince Josef pretender to the throne of the Austro-Hungarian Empire wrote in. He wants to know if Swampy shaves her legs?

Cheeky bugger!

[thebigspendur]

Brutus from Muleshoe, Texas wrote in to say "when are you and that mangy ape man and that menagerie and you neanderthals coming home. I got a surprise for all of you".

[thebigspendur]

The shaving chimp says that stone thing is a giant shave mug made for extra large brushes like the ones he uses at the shop.