Thebigspendurs weekly shaving brainbuster #62

[thebigspendur]

Good morning shaving fiends

Well that night I told the missus I need to get out of here and get some help. She said she’s coming too but I said no we’ll be found up by those animals. They kept coming on my property. I saw some mountain lions who were patrolling the property. I told the missus to sit by the window and just talk and I set up a dummy by the light which looked like me (no don’t you even think that) so the animals could see us talking. Then I found that moth eaten gorilla suit Cletus used last year for the celebration and put that on. I waited until it was good and late so the animals would be asleep. Then I kind of stealthy left the house walking along the creek. I didn’t get too far before one of those mountain lions stopped me. I said what are you doing up so late. He said we’re cats we do our dirty work at night. You’re a monkey you should be sleeping and you’re so unhealthy looking and ratty you might just pass out. Here let me escort you back to the compound. After we walked a bit he said hey wait a minute you smell familiar. Say aren’t you the guy who killed my cousin with the bad smelling stuff a few months ago. I said no I was still living at the carnival. I just ran away a few days ago. He said there ain’t no carnivals around here anyway. Well I took off and all the way back to the house he kept bitting my butt. I was lucky to make it back.

The missus said well that was fast. I said no I didn’t get very far. But that gave me an idea. I said get the guns. She said what you gonna do? I said well we’ll shoot our way out of this predicament. She said no you won’t the badgers took all our ammo last night while you were gone. Then I realized I still had a couple of cases of that aftershave stuff but it was behind the shed. I told the missus to create a distraction so I could slip out for a couple of minutes. So she goes outside and slaps the bear in the face and calls him a sissy and a wimp for paying protection money to Brutus. He didn’t like that at all and started bouncing her around like a beach ball. Well, no matter it gave me time to get the stuff back into the house.

So I just saturated myself with this fancy French aftershave and ran out the door only before I got ten feet I passed out but when I woke up there was about a 1000 yard no mans land all around me. Those animals wouldn’t come any closer. One mountain lion tried and he just keeled over dead in his tracks. Luckily the missus found a few old gas masks we had and they tamed the smell just enough so I wouldn’t pass out again. I told those animals they better not follow me or else.

Well we finally made it to the clan’s compound but Auntie made us take our clothes off and she burned them and we had to bath on some soap concoction she had before we could go inside. Yes we was plumb tuckered out. After dinner we was sitting on the porch and Mr Sasquatch was a talking to hisself. He would say well sweetie would you like you grubs braised or roasted? Why roasted you say, and would you like some wild mushrooms with that? Yes you would. And what would you like for dessert sweetie? Is your coffee hot enough dear? Why I’m glad you like it. Then he would start chuckling to hisself. That was the funniest thing I ever did see. Jethro said he’s been doing that for days now.

Well just about then the satellite phone rang and it was Festus. But he was talking strange. He was talking in some strange tongue I couldn’t understand using all these strange word like thee and thine and like talking backwards. Someone else got on the phone and said Festus was taken over by some spirit and he wasn’t himself and all the animals were leaving him and he was just wandering around the desert aimlessly claiming to have super powers but he was just crazy. I told them to take him to Tobet that’s where he was supposed to be. The guy said he would just dump him in the back of a truck and they would get him where he was supposed to go. Baaaby was very happy to hear that and was running all over the place.

Well, just about then when I thought things were calming down there is this rustling in the brush and it’s brutus with Clem on his back. I said we had a deal and you’re supposed to be on the reservation. He said you’re a real thorn in my side. He says I come here with my racket and all the humans and animals doing my bidding for me and I have this sweet deal and you come along and screw it all up. Not only that you’re trying to turn all the animals against me. I said I don’t know what you’re talking about. He said oh yea one of those bulls you got out of the corral was a spy for me and he told me everything. I said well those animals just came to my property because they was a scared of you. He started laughing. He said you mean every animal in the forest is afraid of me? Now I know your just lying to save your skin.

Then Clem joins in and says yea after I was admitted to the crazy house you stole all my shaving gear. I said no I didn’t your wife gave them to me on account of you incarer…incoesor…heck you know you’d be there for life you don’t need them anymore. No, she told me you stole them and you also stole the sergeant and he’s gone now.

Then there’s this additional rustling in the brush and it’s that big spender fella and he’s still all torn up from the cholla cactus and hoof marks from the buffalos and the bites from the fire ants not to mention when he was locked up he shared a cell with Big Bubba who had his way with him every night. He said this is the end of the line for you fella. I said to Sasquatch, well you gonna help me here. He just started whistling and walked off saying well sweetie should we help the man? No you don’t help him he’s gonna get his now and I just want to watch the show. Yea the clan all backed off they had their chores to do.

I looked at the missus and she said this ain’t my fight. I said hey I rescued you from this demented bovine and fished you out of that manure filled pit he dug. She said yea I was meaning to thank you for that.

Well I was in big trouble now and I didn’t see any way out of this and I noticed all the animals from my place had gathered around. The badger said yea we heard there was gonna be a big fight to the death and we wouldn’t miss it for the world. Yea it was me all by my lonesome. Gee if he kills me I won’t be able to write this anymore. Won’t that be terrible? Will your torture be at an end finally?

Check back next week for the big fight.

Oh yea the shaving brainbuster for this week concerns all these guys milling around since they figure I’ll be dead they want to know who’s gonna get my shave gear collection. Should I give my brushes to the badgers for disposal? Should I let the clan sell my razors on that SRP site? Miss Hogslapper is there and she wants my meatchoppers. Heck how can some little thing like that use one of those. It’s so big she’ll just fall over if she tries using it right?

[thebigspendur]

I got an e-mail from, well...err...I'm not sure. it reads.

I'M NOT HAPPY.I'VE BEEN FOLLOWING THESE THREADS FOR SOME TIME NOW. ALL THIS TALK OF RELATIONS WITH ANIMALS AND OTHER UNNATURAL THINGS.NOW LUCIFER IS INVOLVED. THIS IS NOT IN MY PLANS. I MAY HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS.

SIGNED
THE BIG GUY.

[thebigspendur]

Brutus from Muleshoe, Texas wrote in to say-So now your bringing the big guy into this eh? You think that will save you. I've been training for the fight. I'm the stomping champ now and I've been sharpening my horns extra special just for you, and my hooves too. When I get done with you you're gonna look like a jigsaw puzzle missing some pieces.

[thebigspendur]

I got an E-Mail from Lt Kawasaki he says;

Next week, you die then you take my place and I can go to paradise-ha, ha.

[thebigspendur]

I got an E-mail from that Mr Vice President guy. He says since you'll be dead in a few days can we have your body? We need bodies for our robotics program. Just tell Brutus not to damage your head too much.