Thebigspendurs Epic Tonsorial Misadventures #69

[thebigspendur]

Good morning shaving fiends

I had to stop by the clans place since the missus was baking apple pies for the holidays and we ran out of them on account of Mephistopheles eating them all off the tree. So I go out back and over to Cletus’s workshop and I could see he had his forge really going. I asked him what was up and he said Lucifer stopped by and said he was going to start making straight razors. It would give him an excuse to stay away from the office for a very long time.

So we went back there and well, he had that fire going without any fuel. Why those flames just seemed to come up from under the ground and those bellows was a cranking by themselves. Why he took this bar of steel and starts a twirtling it and twisting it like some deranged ironworker and this laser beam just came out of his thumb and he cut the blank like an expert. Then you could just see the heat coming out of his hand as he formed the blank and put this ornate design into the blade and used that there laser again to inscribe all manner of strange writing all over the blade. Yea he picked up that sledge and wielded it like a real pro and quenched the razor in fire and brimstone. He tempered it from the heat of his hand and at the end he took an iron bar and cleaved it in half with that razor. Yea Mr Sasquatch was watching and got so excited I think he wet his pants (if he wore any that is).

For scales he picked up this big chunk of coal in the workshop and just held it in his hand, tightly running that heat from his hand in it and after a few minutes had a flawless diamond formed into scales. Why it was the darnest thing I ever did see. Then he honed the razor on his arm and stropped it with his tongue. Yea the only identifier on the blade is that old triple 6 over the face of a goat but the eyes of the goat glow. Wow way cool.

Since Festus won his soul he exchanged it for that first razor and Festus says it’s the best shavin razor in the universe. The only slight issue with the razor is it keeps a smoking when you use it and acts like it has a mind of its own. Mr Lucifer says when he crafts an item a little bit of hisself goes right into it (if you know what I mean).He’s gonna have the shaving chimp open up a store on that shaving site called “monkeybusiness Razors” and he’s gonna sell them.

Well, it was time for the big celebration in honor of Festus returning and we been preparing for it all of two weeks now. The whole town showed up. We had all kinds of fair. Beef, pork, chicken and all the folks brought all manner of home grown fruits and vegetables. Why Mr Sasquatch even made a special dish for him and Mr Whitey. It was some kind of earthworm stew with crunchy fried crickets. After dinner the men folk were out chewing the fat and Mr Whitey started imbibing on Jethro’s moonshine and he got drunk and got kind of carried away and started a brawl with Mr. Sasquatch. He accused him of being too stuck-up and thinks he’s better than all the others leaving all the relations to fend for themselves in the cold cruel world. Mr Sasquatch said,” well I wasn’t going to say anything about this but the folks may as well know that at one time we all lived together in one happy family and when our side of the tree started to suggest we improve ourselves the others made fun of us and banished us so we went off by ourselves and developed our superior intellect and society while the others just continued to wallow in their misery and just barely survive and have terrible lives.” He told Mr. Whitey he be some lazy slug and a sponge and wasn’t even pulling his fair weight around the ranch.

Mr Whitey didn’t like that and they picked up some clubs and started going at it. The last time I saw them they were running into the National Forest thumping on each other.

Festus told us all manner of tales how he got this mysterious ability to do all kinds of wonderful things and got to pal around with his friends, the goats, all over the Middle East. He said he lost most of his abilities but still has the ability to communicate with them. I don’t know what he was talking about but Baaaby sure had a smile on her face (if you know what I mean).

Yea even Mr. Lucifer was there. He turned hisself into some part goat,horse, I don’t know what and he was giving the youngans rides on his back.

Later in the evening after most of the folks had left I was whittling and Mr. Lucifer came over and asked if he could join me. I said sure you got a knife? He said I don’t need no knife my fingernails will do. Wow he’s some whittling fool. It just took a few minutes and he had carved a fine sculpture just with nails if that don’t beat all. He said,” you know maybe I was too hasty in my decision and to tell you the truth I kind of like it around these parts. I think I’ll be staying for awhile”. I said well don’t you have to run the show down there? He said naa it pretty much runs itself. It’s only if the big guy has a special request or something that I have to take personal charge otherwise we communicate over the internet. Besides, he said, “I don’t like what I’m seeing in this country of yours and I think it’s time to collect on some deals and really start pulling the strings.” I said what you talking about? He said you just wait a few weeks and you’ll see.

Well I heard a commotion out back and when I went out there, there was this group of Badgers and they was arguing with Mephistopheles. I guess they were late with their payment and he recruited Brutis to come around and break their legs. Or at least that is what he was threatening them with. They said they wasn’t gonna pay anymore money and if he didn’t like it they was gonna declare war on him and they said they had a secret ally on their side. I told him he better not mess with them cause you get them riled up they can be some really vicious animals. He said he wasn’t worried he could take care of himself. I said yea like when you ran away when you heard Brutis was coming?
So I’m accumulatin a list of chores I gotta get done in the next few days. We gotta go out and find those two wildmen in the forest somewhere. I gotta go into town to the shop and fix Miss Hogsloppers message table Chi Chi broke when he was on it I don’t know what he was doing and I don’t want to know. Then I gotta pay Sue a little visit cause I got a score to settle with her selling me that cheap knife saying it was Davy Crocketts.

So the brainbuster for this week concerns old Mr Lucifer. I wonder what he was talking about “pulling strings”. You bright guys got any ideas? Also Mr Lucifer wants to know how much you’d be willing to pay for one of his razors? He guarantees it for…life-Har Har and then some. It’s one item you can take with you if you know what I mean-Har,har,har.

Also, when he makes his razors all of them be different with different scales and writing on the razors so we need some model names. What you think? He’s gonna call the first one “The Promethius”. Mr Lucifer says he’s still havin fun with that dude and that big bird. What the heck he be talking about? Who can tell me bout that?

[thebigspendur]

I got an E-mail from Mr Prometheus. He said just one little mistake and your buddy there never lets you forget it. You pay forever. Oh no, here comes that bird again.

Bird? what bird? can SOMEONE tell me what's this all about?

[thebigspendur]

I got an E-Mail from John Boehner. he says he was supposed to have a meeting with you know who but he never showed up and now he's worried about his arrangement with him. I said don't worry he treats his customers right.

Arrangement, Hmm.

[thebigspendur]

I got an E-Mail from Osama Bin Laden from Eagle Pass, Texas.

He says, how you dudes like being groped at the airport-Har Har. Stand by, my people are going to be carrying weapons internally. Soon you dudes better be ready for some real personal inspections if you know what I mean-Har Har. Also just so you know our Lucifer is way tougher than yours.