Thebigspendurs Epic Tonsorial Misadventures #68

[thebigspendur]

Good morning shaving fiends.

I had to get up early in the morning cause we had a full day planned. I’ll tell you I’m not sure I like that telephone contraption they installed. All I do day and night is get these calls from people wanting me to buy things. Why last night I got a call from some fella who promised to invest my money and he said if I gave him my money it would grow so fast it would be like a weed. I asked him if he was an honest fella or a crook. He said he had all kinds of references and he worked for the Federal Government at the prison as the warden. He said his name was Madoff.

Cletus came and picked me up in his kenworth dream vehicle and we went up to the Res to pick up Navajo Joe. So we had to go through the usual riga maroll and sit and smoke the peace pipe and do some peyote. He tried to sell me some antique Indian Artifacts but I told him I was warned about that. He said warning or not he said he had Daniel Boones Scalp. I said that’s impossible he never lived or travelled around these parts. Joe said yea I can see you really are a discerning person so come out here to my storage Hogan cause I have a real bargain for you. So we went out back and he offered to sell me hundreds of eagle feathers for a few bucks each. I jumped at that offer.

So we headed up to the Ute homeland and met up with the Chief and he had Swampy calm down Mr Whitey. Yea Mr Whitey said the tribe was cheaten folks out of their money and all the games was rigged and Swampy was getting a cut out of the proceeds. Swampy said he’s crazy his brain must have frozen up being in that wheel well all that time. We told em we were going to take him to his new home. Swampy wanted him to stay it looked like she really liked him.

On the way back we stopped at the res and one of the members of the tribe said the BIA Police had a roadblock and they was checking all the cars. Hmm what am I going to do with those feathers, thems illegal. Well Cletus had an idea, he got some Gorilla Glue (no offense to you gorillas reading this) and we glued every feather to Mr Whitey. Why he sure looked handsome and looked just like that Aztec God, what you call him quze…err….um…catl er… well you is cultured folks you know. So we got to the roadblock and those Indian Cops saw Mr Whitey and they became meek, real meek they got down on the ground and started preying to him. Old Mr Whitey couldn’t resist the opportunity to have some fun and told them he was gonna turn them into chickens and rip their hearts out. Yea them cops was crying like babies.
On the way back to the compound we had to stop off and pick up the missus and go into town and get the guys at the shop and get some groceries for the big coming home party for Festus. Bubba at the Trough got into an argument with Cletus. He demanded to cater the party. Cletus told him he don’t want no roaches and mice at the party. That’s disgusting stuff he had in his filthy restaurant. Bubba said you guys don’t understand. All those critters they from Hollywood and are trained to do that and he treats them good and pays them well. Why he’s got Ben and Willard and some others. Mr Whitey comes out from the back door and says don’t worry I either killed them all or ate them. Bubba said you killed my movie stars? Mr Whitey burped. Bubba attacked Mr Whitey with an axe. Mr Whitey grabbed Bubba and shaved him with that axe no soap or nuttin. Wow I said I didn’t know you guys shave like that. He said why of course we do and this fella-friend of your’s is lucky I didn’t just pull his head off so I’ll let him off easy and just cut his ears off. Yeas Bubba sure looks funny now.

I walked over to Sue’s house of the dead and told her because of her all the folks in town were laughing at me for buying that rifle and that razor from you. She said they a doin that because those folks are really jealous of you on account of your good deal. I wouldn’t pay them no mind. If they say that stuff is bogus tell them to prove it. They can’t. I noticed on the way out she had a rifle hanging in the window. I said, what’s that? She said that rifle belonged to Dick Chaney. No one knows this but he went hunting with George Bush and killed him with it. She said the guy you see on T.V is an imposter.

Wow I gotta have that. Only $1200.

When we got to the compound Auntie was agitated. She sent jethro and festus out to go hunting for game. I said I told them things in the forest were too unstable. She sent Mr Sasquatch to go find them. Mr Whitey said well, I guess I’ll go with you I’ll just saddle up Mephistopheles it will just take a second. He was in the barn with a pile of cash in front of him. I said what’s this? He said he’s been charging protection money from the badgers. I said and who’s gonna protect you? He said now why would I need protection anyway? I said from me when I send you to the glue factory. He said you got bigger fish to fry. Your numbskull relative went hunting. You know what happens when Festus goes out there with a gun. Well he got that right. After miles of hiking we got to a clearing and I saw Jethro all upset and Festus all tored up. When Baaaby saw him she started crying something fierce. Jethro said he was gonna kill some game like he did in Tobet. So he climbed in a tree and waited until a deer happened by and with a knife in his mouth jumped on the deer’s back and started slashing.

Apparently the deer didn’t like it and bounced him off his antlers like you tenderize a steak and then slashed him with his razor sharp hooves. Yea when I caught up with them he was sure a mess. Yea that bear was watching and he was laughing his butt off. He said you puny humans can’t even bring down some harmless deer without your firearms. Yous the weakest animals in the world. Why if I wanted to say hello to yous by giving you a hearty hug I’d crush you into pulp. If I walked up to him and growled he’d just roll over and die from fright. He sauntered away chuckling.

Well we brought Festus back and patched him up meanwhile Auntie went out and got some game and it was already cooking when we came back. I went out back and Cletus was out there by the barn shootin c*r*aps with Mr Lucifer. Cletus accused Lucifer of cheatin because he couldn’t help but win every time. Festus came out and started playing and he kept beating Mr Lucifer until he had no more money. Lucifer made the ultimate bet and lost and now Festus got his soul.

So the brainbuster for this week concerns, well, first you folks who read the scriptures, does Lucifer have a soul? Yep that’s quite a predicament. The Chief soul taker having lost his to Festus. Or maybe he doesn’t and it’s just some of his evil tricks with an ulterior motive. I wonder what he’s gonna do with it. Lucifer can’t understand how he lost. He’s says that ain’t natural, something about that boy Festus he can’t control, hmmm what is it?

[thebigspendur]

I got an E-Mail from Dick Chaney. He says, "My Lord how did you know I shot the president? yep I killed him deader than a can of Raid kills a roach. Yea it was one of those defective Winchesters it just misfired. Not my fault. Yep the last 18 months we put a body double in who looked just like him and I ran the country".

If this gets out I'm gonna send Blackwater out to kill every last one of you straight shavers.

[thebigspendur]

I got an E-Mail from Mr you know who. He says , not to worry you forget I collect souls. I have so many I have em spilling out of my pockets. I'm not sure which one I gave to that mental midget probably the one belonging to that gal who wanted to run for office. I told her I would guarantee her success but then she started talking about witchcraft and that violated our contract so...

[thebigspendur]

I got an E-Mail from ... err... Quetzalcoatl and he said how dare you dress some big monkey up to look like me and then threaten people by my likeness. Why I ought to come over there and swallow you whole like I did all those years ago. I expect an offering to keep me away. Maybe a sacrifice.

Hmm I'm in a jam now who around the site should we sacrifice?

[Disburden]

I feel like I am reading william burroughs when I read these, which is awesome lol.

[thebigspendur]

I got an E-Mail from Lt Kawasaki he said he's been busy lately and just heard about this. Did someone say something about souls? Maybe your buddy can help me out with my problem.