Thebigspendurs Epic Tonsorial Misadventures-#75

[thebigspendur]

Good morning shaving fiends

I tell ya this turned out to be some hunting trip. I had to go back to the compound and get a hold of Mr Sasquatch. First we had to find Mr Whitey and Mephy and wherever we went folks said they saw them galloping off like the Devil was chasing em. I guess eventually he’ll get tired and stop running. Jethro, we pulled out of the briar patch and he was covered with thorns which we had to pull out one by one. Mr Lucifer said now how you going to go back with no game. You’re going to look like a failure and your wife won’t be happy. He said I spied a couple of black bears by the creek fishing and they was pulling fish out and piling them up on the bank. So I went down there with Sasquatch and he said what are you going to do. I said, look at all those fish those little bears got they won’t miss a couple so I went down there and grabbed a few and took off. Mr Sasquatch said that was very unwise and he took off running. Mr Lucifer said har har you gonna get yours now. I didn’t get too far and this big black bear confronts me. She says where you get that fish? I said it’s none of your business and I caught them anyway. Just then the two smaller cubs come up and said hey mom this human stole our fish. She said well buddy do I just tear your head off or just rearrange your anatomy a little bit or maybe eat you since you stole our dinner? Mr Lucifer said well you want to make that deal with me now? Well I put the fish down and said well err…sorry about that and that bear looked me in the eye and said hey, ain’t you the human who bought all that worthless junk at the antique shop? All the animals were talking about it. I said no, you got the wrong human. She said if I kill you now I’ll be doing you a favor, instead I’m a gonna let you live so you can live out your life in shame. Mr Lucifer went after her and said hey wait a minute don’t you at least want to tear his head off. She said what for it’s empty anyway. Oh and Cletus and the Raccoons? Well he was able to show them his coonskin hat was artificial and made in China so they let him off easy with just a little chewing.

Well we had to go and bail out Jethro and Baaaby from the jail and I couldn’t go home empty handed so I had to stop off at Ozzy’s meat Locker to bring home some game. So I go back and give the game to the missus and she says where you get this. Well, we killed it that’s what. She says yea? Why it say US Dept of Agriculture Grade C on it. I said I don’t know maybe the deer went to some amusement park and they stamped his wrist. Boy she was plenty mad.

I went into the barn and heard sobbing. It was Brutus. The Sarge had stolen his security blanket and he was beside himself. I heard some rustling in the corner and said damn it Festus come out of there. But I was wrong it was Mr Whitey and Swampy and they was doing…well you know what they was a doing.

Well I couldn’t go back to the house and I couldn’t stay in the barn so I went into town and there was a real commotion at the Post Office. Vasoline said the President of the United States was there. I said really he ain’t the president he’s some alien from another country. Yea, we went in and that Obama fella was sitting there. We asked him what he doing here. He said he couldn’t take it anymore. Those Republicans had wipped him good and John Boehner had threatened to beat him up after school. He had so much pressure on him he was turning grey and gettin pimples on his face and he was becoming impo…err…imet..well you know he couldn’t do it anymore. He said they got some actor to play him in Washington and he had to find the most isolated and backward place in the country to live and when he found out about the openings at the Post Office he figured it would be the perfect place to hide and he and his wife could work in the Post Office. Well if that don’t beat all. We told him we don’t allow no Govt men in these parts so the Secret Service guys had to go. I invited him to come over to the shop for a free shave to welcome him to these parts and Miss Hogslopper would treat him real good and turn him into a man again. Sue told him if he needs an authentic looking birth certificate she can get it for him for a price. He said I don’t need another I already paid enough for the one I have now.

I had to stop by the shop. The shaving chimp had gotten into an argument with Chee-Chee. The Mayor is a notoriously bad tipper and the Chimp was unhappy and was getting kind of agitated and was holding down the mayor and was threatening to pour a whole bottle of Lilac Vegetal down his throat. Yea the mayor was in fear for his life cause that be the worse stuff ever invented by man. I understand the State Prison was able to start executions again cause they just tie the inmate down on a table and sprinkle a few drops of the stuff in his mouth and he be dead in no time but the smell tortures everyone else in the room.

As I was heading out of town I passed Mr Lucifer and he was dragging Mr Death with him. I asked him what he was doing. He said Mr Death went to the big city and dressed up like Santa Claus and when folks sit on his lap to ask for wishes he touched them and they be dead as a doornail. Mr Lucifer said he had to take him back home to straighten him out and they vanished.

By the time I got home the missus was upset again. She said now there be 2 creatures on the barn. So I went into the barn andI told Swampy she can’t stay because if the Chief of the Utes finds out she was here I’d have to pay plenty. She said no you won’t they be a bunch of crooks and everything is rigged. I got the goods on them and if that Chief gives you any trouble well, I know where he stashes all the crooked loot he’s accumulated.

When I went outside the barn I saw two badgers on my front porch. I said what you doing here? They said we supposed to report on all human activity and if you don’t want to be at the top of our report you a gonna come down to the city and build us a concrete city. I said oh no I won’t. They said oh yes you will otherwise our relatives are gonna come back and abduct you and do all kinds of fun things to you. They might even cut your head open to see what’s inside that makes you so stupid. They started laughing as they left.

Well if that don’t beat all being blackmailed by some dumb animals. In addition what is this with this Obama fella living here? You think those Republican fellas are gonna come here and find him? You think he be some weakling and coward?

The brainbuster for this week is..well… I’m always making fun of the Lilac Vegetal. Any of you use it? Do you like it? Has it killed you or maybe you use it to kill roaches around the house or to keep the bill collectors away-har har.

Hmm,crooked money, stashed away, ripe for the picking. If that ain’t a good storyline…

[thebigspendur]

I got an E-Mail from the Chief of the Utes. He said he's coming to get Swampy and I better be able to pay plenty. He also says don't you even think of coming here and stealing our treasury.

[thebigspendur]

I got an E-Mail from Mr. Pinaud. He says, "I'm sick and tired of you trashing my product. I'll have you know people have been using Lilac Vegetal since the beginning of time and it the most beloved product in the shaving world. If you don't stop I'm gonna sue you for libel".

Yea, he be right it's been around since the beginning of time. As a matter of fact the experts have realized that's what killed off all the dinosaurs. Yea old Mr Tyrannosaurus Rex walking along and smelling an empty bottle and he just fall over dead.