Thebigspendurs Epic Tonsorial Misadventures #82

[thebigspendur]

Good morning shaving fiends


Man, am I sore. That nag wouldn’t stop running for hours. The only thing that stopped him was that hammer I remembered I had in my pocket which I used to knock him out. Boy I slept good that night.

You all remember we was having a planning meet at the compound to work out the details for our raid at the Ute reservation.

Well, it was morning and while auntie was rustling up some breakfast for everyone and they was sleeping off their drunkin stupor they finally started wandering back in to the compound. About that time Vasoline rolled in. He said he was contacted by the grave digger at the cemetery. Angus said there be some strange goings on at the cemetery during the night. He was out there and saw for hisself some sick ghoul was digging up the folks bodies and stealing them. He wanted to know if we seen anything sosp…err…shuts…err…you know when you stick your nose into someone else’s business. I said uh ..no…of course not. That sounds terrible I can’t imagine who would do something like that. Just then Cletus comes out of the shed carrying a bunch of bones. Vasoline approaches him and asks him where he get those bones from. He says I don’t know Festus gets them for me. He says he buys them from the big hospital in the city. So where is Festus? Oh, him? He fell in the fire last night and got all burned up. He sitting in the barn being attended to by Baaby. So I go with Vasoline into the barn and Festus is just lying in the barn in the corner in a heap all charred up. As Vasoline keeps questioning him about the bones you could see he was out of his head with pain and not himself. I told Vasoline to back off cause he was getting very agitated and all of a sudden he jumped up and lunged at the deputy with a pitchfork and the deputy shot him in the head five times.

Yea that boy was deader than a door nail. So we rushed him over to Doc Paine who luckily did his drinkin the day earlier so he was reasonably sober and after makin us wait in his waitin room for 30 minutes we take Festus into the exam room and the Doc looks at him and say’s what happened to his head? I said the deputy shot him 5 times. The doc says I wouldn’t worry it’s only a flesh wound. Jethro says what you talking about I can see the 5 holes in his head front to back and I can see you right through them. The doc says yea but he’s only got half a brain so there was nothing in there anyway so no harm done. Yea he was up and talking in no time. The doc got some duck tape and closed the holes in his head and said you can take him home now. Just keep him out of the rain we don’t want no water getting inside his head.

Well I had to go home and change since I was covered in blood and the missus asks me what happened. I said why Festus was shot in the head 5 times. She said what side. I said the left. She says no harm done. I said how you know that? She says because when we was kids, once, as we was fooling around Festus took an axe and buried it in his head so they had to take out half of his brain. It didn’t affect him one bit.

I said that must have been before my folks moved here and we met. She said yea that’s right. I said I hope you wasn’t foolin around with no relations of yours. She said well of course we did that’s how it goes around these parts. I said well if I had known you was some tainted woman I never would have married you. She said look who’s talking. We all know about your family and your Pa and those sheep he kept. I said now don’t you spread those nasty rumors. She said they ain’t no rumors. Well, she was getting riled up so I got my stuff and went out to the barn. I figured I’d spend a few days with Brutus. He let me know I wasn’t welcome. He said he got so much pleasure out of beatin up those bulls he’s just gonna go out and beat up any critter he has a mind to and even though he’s appreciative of my efforts to cure him he won’t be showin me no favors.

Well I grabbed my stuff and went back to the compound and by then everyone was there and it was time to make our plans. Swampy said she know exactly where the loot was stashed, it was in a safe buried under the exhibit where they keep a herd of Buffalo which they mistreat to keep them mean and ornery. I said no problem. Well take Brutus. He’s itching for a fight. First we’ll have to open the gate and go through the casino. No problem we’ll dress up the singing chimp real spiffy and he’ll give a show and draw away the folks and we’ll just sneak right past them. Well, how about those security people they have on the Res. No problem we’ll have Mr. Sasquatch and Mr Whitey workin as a team and they will use their stealthy backwoods abilities to sneak up on them and round em all up and confine them to a corral. I said what about our getaway. No problem we’ll have Mephy and the Sarge and their chums start a stampede to throw them off the trail. Navajo Joe said I’ll have my guys dress up like them and we’ll infiltrate their ranks and keep them real confused. We’ll sit around and smoke the peace pipe full of some funny stuff. They be out for days. I said how we gonna open the safe and get the loot out? Cletus said that’s no problem. He said before Mr. Lucifer left he gave me a small cache of fire and brimstone and we can use that to blow the safe open. Jethro said, well we need a big diversion on their Res. Something to cause a big traffic jam and throw things into disarray and just then Ex Postmaster Obama showed up with the mail. He said I’ll go and do a guest appearance as President of the United States and they’ll come from all around to see me and shake my hand. That should be enough to give you what you want. Festus said gee feels kind of breezy around here. We said maybe on account of your injuries you ought to stay behind. He said no way I’m going. I’ll drive the pickup. Auntie said I’ll dress up as a Papoose and create mayhem among the women folk there.

So we was all ready. We just had to wait for the right date. First I had to go into town to the Sears Catalogue store. I gave Bert my list of supplies I would need. He looked at it and said so, you guys really fixin to go up there and steal all of that loot. I said wait a minute this was a big secret who spilt the beans? He said why everyone knows. It was that Obama fellow he be tellin everybody the whole story.

Well if that don’t beat all. Our secret plans done flown the coop. I guess we’ll have to send some stooges to the Res to make sure they don’t know nothing. I got it, we’ll send Festus and Baaaby. They will fit right in.

As I was leaving town I passed by the shop and noticed that Mr Death fella sittin in the shop waiting his turn for a haircut. I pulled in and asked him what he was doing? He said well you know I have to look presentable to my customers. Just then he touched old Milford who was sittin waitin for a shave and he just fall down dead right there. I said what you do that for? He said oh, just for fun and to get closer to my turn. Well the shop suddenly emptied out. Those guys was running like you’d think Death was after them-Har har. The shaving chimp was mad he said what you doing killing my customers?

He said him and Mr Lucifer have a really big caper coming off and they will be finalizing their plans next week right here and I’m invited. Imagine that.

The brainbuster for this week concerns a new product Mr Death is gonna sell to instantly stop the bleeding if you nick yourself. It’s called one touch. Yea just one touch and you be dead and the bleeding stops-har har. You want a free sample?

[sicboater]

Is there a Cliff's notes version?

I'd love to read all of this, but I won't ever remember enough to pass the test.

[thebigspendur]

Is there a Cliff's notes version?

I'd love to read all of this, but I won't ever remember enough to pass the test.

Why you be one of those city slicker types of folk who have no patience and want everything now. You want it easy. You probably shave with one of those danged cartridges.

[thebigspendur]

Mr Death called me and said he was disappointed he didn't have a chance to give his shaving tip, I said go ahead.

He said, why you folks know stretching the skin is very important to get a good shave so when you stand there and push here and pull there that's wasting a lot of time. The best way to do it is get a chair and a rope and tie the rope to an overhang on the ceiling. Then knot it real good. Then lather up and tie the rope around your neck and step off the chair. Your whole face and neck be stretched out and you get the best shave of your life. After your shave have your next of kin call me Har har.

Whatever you do don't take no shaving tips from that Lucifer fella. he has a beard and he keeps changing his appearance anyway to seem more pleasing to the eye.

Hmm, you guys do this at your own risk. I won't be responsible.