Thebigspendurs Epic Tonsorial Misadventures #85

[thebigspendur]

Good morning shaving fiends

Well, we spent the night in this shed being guarded by these two mean looking dudes and they be making bets who would die first and who would beg the most. Before we knew it morning was here and we were brought outside and they gave us some shovels and said, now you dig. So we dug holes 6 feet deep and the Chief of the Utes said, well fellas it’s time. Yea, that Obama fella was crying and begging, what a coward. They was about to dump us in the holes and the Chief of the Apache’s said what you gonna do to them? The Ute said we bury them to their necks and put this rawhide band around their forehead and wet it and in the sun it shrinks and snaps their skulls in half. The Apache said you gotta be kidden we do that to old women who gossip too much. All that does is give them a bad headache. You be watchin too many white man movies. The Ute said well what you wanna do? The Apache said we skin them alive like they did to our Buffalo. (The Buffalo in the enclosure were smiling and nodding yes). That Tom Delay guy said, now wait these guys are the worst of the worst they be Liberal Democrats and Union people too. The Apache said what’s Union? Delay said Union? Why those are the guys who wiped you all out. The Chief of the Navajo nation was there gambling and he stepped up and said, I think you should hang them upside down till they die. Mr Lucifer stepped up and said naa, stake them in the sun and I got this big bird and he’s gonna come and eat their eyes out one by one slowly and they never die just be tortured for all eternity. The chief of the Zia Pueblo stepped up and said…the Apache said I don’t wanna hear from you. You just be those farmer Indians friends of the white man. In the old days we raided your village and carried all you off into slavery. The Navajo said wait one minute. The Ute said har har you just be lackies for the white man being the first pacified Indian Nation. You just make that gay jewelry the white man wears. What you gonna do hit them over the head with a Turquoise Bracelet until they die? And that gay phony Indian garb you guys wear? Mr Lucifer said come on guys lets make this happen here. They all said who the hell are you? He said yes thank you-har har. There was a Sioux there watching the nudy show and he stepped up and said, you guys are breaking my heart. Everyone knows we almost lost to Custer cause you apache’s were a bunch of cowards. The Apache said you take that back or you’re gonna meet Mr Puma. He said see what I mean you even carry the White man’s knives.

The Ute Chief said I don’t care what you all want to do I’m the chief here and this is my reservation. The Apache said yea but I outrank you. You only got 3 feathers and I got 5. The Sioux Chief said yea but you bought yours. Ones got a tag on it lets see what it says…hmmm…MADE IN CHINA?

Just then this dude steps out of the mist he got this full Indian headdress with hundreds of feathers and buckskins and beads and those Indians just started bowing down to him. Something about the Great Spirit. Mr. Lucifer vanished when he heard that. Yea he stepped closer and those Indians were quaking in their boots err moccasins err Nikes, I guess. Yea that be no other than Festus. I could see the sun gleaming off the silver duct tape over the holes in his head. He said he realized he never completed his mission in the Mideast and was gonna continue here as some Indian God. Besides, the Chief of the Utes grandson fell in the lake and he fished him out so now he’s beholdin to him. (and you all think he saves us huh? Well, you be wrong) Yea then he walked away leaving us to the wolves.

I could see these guys were about to kill each other and figured we lucked out and then this bear sauntered up. He says, you guys are a bunch of chumps and fools. We almost had these guys a couple of months ago and we couldn’t agree so we started bickering amongst ourselves and fighting and in the confusion he got away. The Apache Chief said yea you be right, so they hit him over the head with a club and skinned him and ate him up. Then they hugged each other and smoked the peace pipe and made up except for the Navajo, they kicked him out cause he looked like a sissy with all the jewelry.

So they decided they was gonna use us for bow and arrow target practice. Ohh lordy, nothing could save us now. Yea they tied us to a tree and they all start shooting arrows at us. The funny thing is they missed. Yea, all those arrows missed us. Finally the Ute Chief says to the Apache well what we gonna do now. He says well maybe those toothpicks didn’t work but we are gonna throw tomahawks and war lances at them until they look like pin cushions. Gee they all missed too. The Arapaho Chief was there for his honeymoon and he stepped up and said he been watching the whole thing and thought all those tribal leaders be a bunch of fools. He said if we were those white people we would just chop their heads off but since we be honest folk, well the sentence was carried out and they be free now. Jethro starts yellin at them yea our God be tougher and meaner then your no account sissy Great Spirit and….shut up uncle.

Yea they took us to the edge of the Res and kicked us off their property and told us never to come back ever again. That’s when we met up with the starved, violence crazed Buffalo Herd. They said yea maybe those Indians be honest but not us. You be ours now. Well, just then Brutus shows up and when they saw him they cowered in fear and ran away. Yea as they ran off they said we know where to find you. I told Brutus thanks. He said don’t bother. I’m just looking out for my best interests. As we was walking to our trucks all of a sudden that Mr. Death fella appears. He says gee sorry guys I’m late. I’ve been so busy in the Middle East lately and then Japan even I couldn’t be in all the places I needed to be at once. Now who’s gotta die here? Hmm? What you say? No one here, I don’t know what you be talking about. He says now wait a minute Mr. Lucifer specifically told me you guys were all to be executed and I needed to collect you all. I said well, he be confused probably by the Great Spirit.

Yea we got back home and the missus was screaming. She found Pa and they don’t get along too well. Not only that he had baaaby in the shave den and he was using my best soap and my Livi I stole from that bigspendur fella to give her a shave. I kicked em all out. Baaaby left to be with Festus on his journey once we packed her shave kit. Pa left with his sheep. I said, come back when your 125 we’ll have a great time then.

Well if that don’t beat all? It was like a Mr Death takes a vacation thing and we cheated him har har.

Yea before I forget Cletus is all excited, next week he got a lot to jaw with you all about. He be starting a new business and he be selling something you all need. I won’t spoil the surprise now but you all find out about it soon enough.

The shaving brainbuster? Yea those arrows be plenty dull those Indians be usin. Looked like obsidian and flint. How you hone those up? Maybe the next time they be shootin at you. Maybe next time they go to Sears and get some steel arrow heads made by us palefaces.

[thebigspendur]

I got an E-Mail from Mr Death. He says, forget it dude. No one but No one ever cheats me.

[thebigspendur]

Cletus wanted me to ask you folks a question as seeing there be a lot of outdoors-men out there. He wants to know how to go about making his own bow. What materials should he look for.

[thebigspendur]

I got an E-Mail from the Chief of the Navajo Nation. He wants to know if anyone wants to buy some Turquoise jewelry.