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Try using a really low angle with the spine about a penny's width off your face. It won't get you super smooth but it's such a low angle that if your blade is sharp it shouldn't irritate the skin.
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*disclaimer* I can set a bevel on a 1k and I can refresh an edge on my PHIG but I haven't yet tried my hand at the 4/8k range yet.

I have 3 razors I shave with. I can't get a single one of them to...

Can you post some photos of your edge? As close up as you can get.
Shaving shouldn't be painful.