News Flash: In the ruins of the devastation, first responders approached what they believed to be the sole survivor. From behind the man having such an enormous backside, caused responders to be unable to see what he was doing. As the cheers of jubilation from responder and public alike rose, the man with the large backside turned to great those who were there to save him.

With malice in his eyes and wielding a HUGE 7/8 straight, responders were forced to shoot what clearly had become a man gone insane in the aftermath of current events.

Today's events were labeled unfortunate by the President and a group of men who seemingly still partake in the archaic act of shaving with straights.

In other news...