I didn't write these but some of them are pretty good.

1. Everyone actually has three voices: The one in your head, the one you hear when you talk, and the one every one else hears.

2."Go to bed, You'll feel better in the morning" is the human version of "Did you turn it off and back on again?"

3. Maybe "Are you smarter then a 5th grader" isn't a show that displays how stupid grown adults can be, but rather, a show that depicts how much useless information we teach grade schoolers that won't be retained or applicable later in life.

4. When you drink alcohol, your just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.

5. Lobsters are mermaids to scorpions.

6. Trying to get rich by playing the lottery is like trying to commit suicide by flying on commercial airplanes.

7. Mars is populated entirely by robots.

8. Asking someone "where are you?" is a recent thing. Before mobile phones the only way you could communicate with someone was by knowing where they were.

9. Your stomach thinks all kind of potato is mashed.

10. If you view a bald eagle at the zoo, you are looking agh the American Symbol of Freedom in captivity.

11. The only time "incorrectly" isn't spelled incorrectly is when its spelled "incorrectly".

12. We will never hear about the truly perfect crime.

13. You will be the last person to die in your lifetime.

14. How far back in history do you have to go in order for it to be considered archaeology instead of grave robbing.

15. The person who would proof read Hitler's speeches was a grammar Nazi.

16. When you go to bed, you pretend to fall asleep until your body agrees.