Thread: Straight Razor Agony Aunt

A joke in another thread got me thinking.... we all get advice on technical aspects of the straight shave and related matters, but there's little in the way of emotional advice with regards to straights.

So, in that spirit, I offer up this thread. You may post problems of any straight-related nature and you may be assured of supportive, non-judgemental, and anonymous advice and tips. Anyone may post advice, but it must be in the spirit of support, and empathy. We care.

To start things off, here's a message received the other day and the caring, empathetic advice given by our Agony Aunt.

Dear Aunty Jimbo,

After years of straight shaving, I have developed an embarrassing problem. I cannot seem to keep my scales up during a shave any more. When thinking about shaving, I have no problem - scales go straight to attention. But as soon as the lather is on my face, and the big moment has arrived....well you know the rest.

Please help me Aunty Jimbo, I'm at my wits end!

Signed "Sagging in Sydney"

Dear Sagging,



I'm terribly sorry.....no, wait, wait .....

Whew! That's a doozy - sucks to be you, for sure!

Have you tried using "wood" scales (pffft, snicker!!!). No, no, seriously now....

There's two schools of thought on scale dysfunction - emotional or physical. Super glue can help in either case (although its method of use differs, of course). Consult a trained hardware professional for a prescription. Just be careful not to overdo it, as you may have trouble getting the scales to go down after you've finished shaving otherwise.

Aunty Jimbo.

Support and empathy. Come get it here.

James.

I loved your Auntie Jimbo letter in the other thread, this ought to be good. If you can keep it up!
BTW I have turned the situation around with my brush and not holding on so tightly, we are getting along much better, thank you so much Auntie Jimbo.

Originally Posted by nun2sharp

Iloved your Auntie Jimbo letter in the other thread, this ought to be good. If you can keep it up!

I doubt it, but hopefully others can chip in too.....

James.

Frankly I am having trouble understanding people with such disfunction - it has worked for me every single time, but perhaps it's got to do with the fact that my scales are usually horny. For the record I've got wood as well.
However I understand it's not too uncommon problem and the apparent softness has a lot to do with the owner.

My advice to you is simple - since you can't keep it up, save yourself the embarassment. Just send your razors to me and I am certain that the scales will function properly again. Some people are just not able to handle their fast cars, hot girlfriend, high credit card limit and straight razors. Their only hope is a geo metro, long monogamous family life with butterface wife, using personal checks at the checkout and most certainly the permanently stiff handle of a disposable razor. These days I hear they come in a vibrating option - it will probably come in handy.
.... And a floppy brush.

Please send the straight razors to my address where they will be handled properly, as all harem acquisitions up to date are.


Best wishes
-- Mr. Up Standing

Brilliant advice there Mr. Standing, thanks (btw, are you related to the Standing brothers of Wagga Wagga? - Under and Lastman? Their parents are N. Good Standing and Grand Standing (nee Canyon) - very fine family, although the sister, Hand, did run away and join the circus as an acrobat a few years ago) Let's hope Sagging in Sydney can get things up, and running, again very soon.

Our next letter comes from "Recalcitrant Kitty" in Delaware. She writes:

Dear Aunty Jimbo,

HELP!!

I just shaved my cat. It did not go well at all, and the poor thing is covered in scratches and nicks. I tried to be careful, but it kept squirming around. Now I think I have scarred it for life! It goes into hiding every time it sees my razor.

I just don't understand - I shaved my husband's rooster last week and everything went so well!!

Do you think I can ever get my kitty to trust me again?

Please, please help!!

Dear Kitty,

I'm going to ask the obvious question first, because I feel there is something going on here that you are not telling me, although reading between the lines, I am getting a picture.

What size razor did you use?

For things of this nature, smaller is generally better. What was different between shaving your husband's rooster, and shaving your cat? Was the razor sharpened in the interval (because it is well-known among pheasant pluckers in particular that roosters are hard on straights)? What type of rooster was it? A leghorn?

As an interim measure, I suggest smearing your moggie liberally with butter to keep it at home - perhaps your husband could do it if you're having trouble getting it to come. Be kind and patient. I'm sure things will improve.

Aunty Jimbo.

this is weirder than the lube thread

Excuse me. I really should not laugh



Sing along

UP
UP
UP
UP Uriber Pass

Stiffen your resolve & don't be such a limpscale

Excellent advice Mr Standing

Are you sure butter smearing is the answer Auntie?

Yours most respectfully

Ivor Biggun

Here's one from my archives...

Ahoy There Aunty Jimbo,

As thou knowest, I be a' chasin' the accursed White Whale! When I catcheth the foul fiend of the deep, how d' ye suggest I harpoon the devil?

Kindest Regards,

Captain Ahab.

Dear Ahab,

I suggest you use your straight razors as a harpoon tip. Get the blacksmith to forge them for you. And don't forget, temper them with the blood of heathens - Christian blood will never do.

Best Wishes for a safe and happy voyage,

Aunty Jimbo.

PS - We know each other well enough by now. Call me Ishmael.

James.

Dear Auntie Jimbo,

I have been following your column with great interest for a while, and I have even been able to help some disfunctional shavers in the past. Finally I decided to share something that has recently come to my attention.

You see, I have always been a many razor type of guy - I firmly believe that the more razors you try the better. So over the past year I've had over a hundred different razors, which while quite above the average, I believe is still rather healthy. Some people are just envious to those like me who have the virility to experiment with all kinds of razors, but that's just jealousy and these people are of little concern to me. You must understand that I am a guy with a rather sizable tool and research has shown that the mono-razor life just doesn't cut it for us.

However, I have recently noticed that few of my razors have become more demanding and during our intimate times together have been implying that they would like more commitment from me. Now, I have had this happen in the past and there has always been a rather efficient solution - just leave the problematic razor for a while and she certainly would learn to cherish every single moment I spent with her.

However this time I decided to think outside of the box and came up with what I consider a brilliant idea, which I would like to share with your readers. It's called swinging, or temporarily swapping razors with others. This would certainly spice up one's shave-life and the razors would get to see some diversity as well. It also fits nicely with my long term commitment to poly-razor life.

The one problem I can forsee is finding like minded adventurous shavers. While there are many who secretly harbor many razors, they are what is known as closeted commiters and the idea of swinging is a bit too much for them. Nontheless I decided that I will be a pioneer in this and have already chosen several razors which are already on their way to a change of scenery. The other advantage of doing it this way is that when my razors come back to my hone they will feel trully fortunate as I am pretty sure it's one of the biggest and finest in the land.

Anyways, I hope your readers will see that this isn't anything to be feared and start changing their attitudes. And I'm sure that even some closeted swingers will be emboldened and come out.

Best Regards,
GUrk GIgler

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