The Separation of Church and State
Many people these days are concerned about the separation of church and state. We are glad to hear that, because most people are too apathetic to be concerned about stuff. We like to feel ways about stuff. The way we feel about separating churches and states is dubious. Eager to get a handle on this hot, exciting, new issue (as of 200 years ago) we got a team of religious and political specialists to study this. After nearly a year of hard research and nigh-limitless spending, they have reached the following conclusion: churches, although extant, frequently exist within states. To this end, we have determined that the vast majority of this fine nation is made up of states, which are, in turn, populated by churches. Imminent physicists have assured me that separating the two would cause not only a profound dearth of churches, but also most likely a bunch of empty lots in weird places. Several of our finest social planners have assured me that these empty lots would in turn be utilized almost immediately by pre-teens to play in. While we like the idea of giving children a place to play, we also have to take a long-range view of things. We see that eventually some other building would be built on each lot, whether it is a hubcap manufacturing plant or a strip club, thus causing a sense of loss and resentment in the children because they have to find new places to play. Noted child psychologists predict that this loss and resentment will eventually lead to an entire generation of disenfranchised sociopaths, who will, in all likelihood, kill each and every one of us in our beds as we sleep. In an effort to avoid having the nation’s collective throat slit with a small paring knife, we have come to the inarguable conclusion that separating churches from states will result in antiquucide. So there.


DNC: Churches are responsible for the inhibition of social progress
GOP: Churches are responsible for providing all of us with a moral compass
GAD: Do you really want your throat slit by a maniac who lost his playground as a child?


Racism
Racism is a problem that some people have. We here at GAD realize this. In all seriousness, it needs to be stopped. We actually have an effective plan to stop this. One that will work! After a lot of thought about this pressing matter, and a 3 day drinking binge that would have killed a lesser man, Presidential candidate Jockeys has the answer:


Make all racial references illegal.


Sound easy? It is, and it is not. Under our administration, anyone saying “you stupid white guy” or “who’s that black girl” will be punished. No one will any longer be allowed to refer to himself or herself by a racial designation. We will not have Latina-labeled music, and we will not have Hispanic demographics. If a person wishes, they may refer to their country of origin, e.g., “I am a French citizen” but may not do so unless they were born there. If your great grandparents immigrated to America from Germany, they were Germans. You are NOT a German-American. You are American. People born to dual-citizenship of any kind may claim heritage to the non-American country if they wish. Eateries serving exotic food will be clearly labeled as to their country of inspiration.
This will have the downside of eliminating any kind of ethnic pride. That is the cost of an end to racism. You cannot have pride in your Irish roots, go around dressed as a leprechaun on St. Patrick’s Day, and expect people to not notice and treat you accordingly. You cannot go around in flowing robes and a turban and expect people to treat you the same as a person in a suit. It is a FALSE ideal, and one that will never be realized. If you insist on dressing like a Zimbabwe tribesman or like the Canadian Mounties, guess what? People are going to give you **** about it. Get over it. If you want to be different, fine, but you are incurring the wrath and attention of everyone that is not the same as you. Paint yourself like a bull’s-eye if you have to, but do not bitch about being shot when you do.
If you have to mock someone, do not say, “I hate that Mongolian bastard, he slept with my sister!” It is rude and inappropriate. Say, “I hate that bastard, he slept with my sister!” Let us all work together to do our very best to ignore our different races, and treat each other the same. Most of the time if someone is racist towards you; it is not because of the color of your skin… IT IS YOUR CULTURE. So abandon that, and no one will have a problem with you. If you insist on having a unique culture, you are insisting that people discriminate against you. Maybe it should not be that way, but guess what? It IS. So deal with it.


DNC: White people are the enemy, and they suck.
GOP: Non-white people are ruining society, and they suck.
GAD: People are just people, dammit, and they ALL suck.


Capital Punishment
Capital Punishment is a big deal these days. The GAD is all in favor of Capital Punishment. Let me tell you, every time I get online and see some stupid script kiddies prattling on with such imbecilic phrases as “dUd3, l0l!” and “0h s|\|4p, mJ l33t h4XX0r b0x 1z 0n pH1r3!” it just makes me sad. I am all in favor of punishing these young people now, in the hope that they will someday learn to capitalize correctly. In addition, we favor Grammar Punishment and Spelling Punishment.
On a somewhat less relevant note, people are also concerned about the government killing certain criminals. My message to these criminals is this:


If you decide one sunny morning to go and shoot all the children on a passing school bus, you should not be surprised if the people who run the penitentiary you get sent to decide to do a little shooting of their own. You had it coming.


My new policy mandates that violent felons who qualify for the death penalty will not only be killed, but also will be killed in the manner they preyed upon their victims. Thus, an axe-murderer will be chopped up with axes; a serial-rapist will be sodomized to death, etc, etc. It is not that complicated. If you burn down an orphanage, expect a fiery death at the hands of the state.
For all you bleeding heart human rights activists who claim that violates the murderer’s rights: what about the rights of their victims? Didn’t they have rights too? Evidently not! So watch out. Under the rule of the GAD, any violent crime you commit against another person will be one less reason to keep you alive after your trial. The GAD is sick of taxing honest, hard-working Americans so we can pay to keep murderers alive and well-fed in cushy jails. For a bargain price of about 50 cents (cost for one round of low-end factory .45acp jhp) we can permanently solve the problem, so that’s what we’re going to do.


DNC: Killing people is bad. Oh, it is all right when repeat offenders on parole do it, but the state should never do it. When a felon with a shotgun is shooting at a police officer, the cop needs to use his Taser because that is more humane
GOP: Killing people is ok if they fulfill an arbitrary set of requirements
GAD: “Some people just need to be shot.” - Clint Smith


Tort Reform
This is a big problem right now. The American legal system is so clogged with frivolous lawsuits, it barely works. The system is sound, but it cannot handle the stress. Therefore, in an attempt to alleviate unnecessary lawsuits and criminal hearings, the GAD is proposing the following changes for:


Civil suits: If you file a civil suit against someone, beware. At the beginning of the trial, you will be given one last chance to drop charges. If you do not, and the other person wins, whatever you were suing him for, you must pay. This money will go to cover the other guy’s legal fees and court costs. Should there be an excess, it will go to a charity of some kind.
Liability suits: Manufacturers of products will only be held liable for failure of their products, not misuse. As long as a manufacturer provides clear directions, and the product follows their own guidelines, you will not be able to sue them when you use it wrong and hurt yourself. A good example is people that cannot drive and get into wrecks, or people that shoot themselves with a perfectly good gun because they are idiots. That is not anyone’s fault but their own. If someone files a suit anyway, and it is determined to be frivolous, see above rule. Keep in mind this could get expensive if you were suing a company for $20 million or something. You will NOT be allowed to declare bankruptcy if you lose.
Criminal charges: Similar concept. If you accuse someone of a crime, and they are proven innocent, you are in trouble. If it can be proven that you knowingly accused someone completely innocent, you will serve the sentence they would have gotten if proven guilty.
SLAPP suits: If a company is found to be waging a SLAPP war, any settlement they are seeking to be awarded to them will instead be awarded to the defendant, at the prosecution’s expense.


There will doubtless be a few years of adjustment during which people try to get away with a lot more than they should, but this will smooth out eventually, and our legal system can get around to dealing with cases that matter, instead of Jim-Bob suing Nabisco© because he put wet crackers in the toaster with a fork and electrocuted himself.


DNC: Lawsuits are awesome. If it were not for lawsuits, none of our candidates would have had jobs before their political careers.
GOP: Lawsuits are bad because they cost us a lot of money sometimes.
GAD: Lawsuits are usually stupid, and thus should be reduced to the few genuine instances of real need.


Animal Rights
Animal rights are very important to GAD. We believe that animals of all shapes and sizes should be afforded equal rights… to be eaten. Every animal, when we kill it, (and trust me, we WILL kill it!) deserves to be served in an equally delicious way. Whether braised, marinated, or even lightly toasted, each wonderful creature should have a chance to be a part of a spectacular display of culinary prowess. It’s unfair and discriminatory to spend all your time basting the plump Cornish Game-Hen you just sent to Game-Hen heaven and then completely ignore the humble (yet tasty) pheasant you shot on a dare out the window of your car at a stoplight; instead relegating it to the ignominious fate of being made into cold-cut sandwiches. That pheasant deserves to be rotisserie-roasted and served with a nice glass of cabernet. I wanna go shoot a cow.


DNC: Animals should never be killed, because life is sacred. Everyone should eat tofu.
GOP: Animals form the primordial soup of… uh, well, soup, basically.
GAD: Animals should all be equally delicious in the mouths of Americans.


Education
Many people are upset about education these days and it is not hard to see why. Children these days are practically retarded. Even the ones who have mothers that were blissfully free of prenatal drug abuse. Why is this, you ask. Rap music? VH1? The Home Shopping Network? Blue’s Clues? No, the problem lies in a modern education. It lacks all the hallmarks of a time-honored classical education. Kids today do not need to be reading Harry Potter and watching Anakin mope over Amidala, they need to be reading the Hound of the Baskervilles and watching “Reading Rainbow.” (That show is SO awesome) Children should not be fooling around with all this “Dick sees Jane run” bull****; they should be reading Homer and Dante, for goodness sake. If they spend all their time on silly primers, they will never be pushed to greater heights. Furthermore, children should not waste time mucking about with times tables. We remember spending most of our second grade year on that nonsense and we hated it. Children should be given razor-sharp straightedges and pointy compasses and taught to bisect angles and copy arcs… REAL MAN’S MATH! For all those people who are upset about their children being taught Creationism/Evolution, I have the following message: Evolution is a theory! Creationism is a theory! You know what? NEITHER ONE CAN BE PROVED SCIENTIFICALLY. Scientific proof requires experimentation and REPETITION! So unless your bio teacher plans to re-create existence during the 4th period lab, I’m afraid both sides are going to have to just shut up and take it with a grain of salt. Furthermore, I would like to condemn in the strongest possible terms the teaching of keyboarding to children. This does nothing but reinforce awful habits they will learn later in life, like using l33t when sending messages. I never use l33t. Do you know why? Because when I was a lad, we learned cursive, dammit, and we learned it with fountain pens. I even have a quill lying around somewhere. I would like to see today’s little bastards try to write with the elegance (and inky messes) of yesteryear!


DNC: Children should be taught with wonderful “open” forms or creative teaching! They should not be slaves to books and things like grammar and logic because those are discriminatory towards stupid children
GOP: Children should be educated in Young Republican education-camps we will be setting up all across the country
GAD: Children should be taught the things they need to know in life


Affirmative Action
For additional info, see: Racism
In all walks of today’s modern life, you are sometimes required to hire people of all races, colors, and creeds. That is so very wrong. Not the hiring of various people, on the contrary, that is just fine. The GAD supports the hiring of anyone who is qualified to do a particular job. We take issue with the “required” part. Affirmative action is nothing short of government- enforced corporate racism. We do not like racism. To that end, the GAD advocates removing Affirmative Action from every single occupation. Let people be hired based on whether they are good at their job or not. That is all there is to say about that. For all you folks out there that think a particular workforce should have demographic statistics that match the general population, I would like to see you try to enforce AA laws in either the NBA or the NHL. Yeah, good luck, you silly bastards.


DNC: If your office does not have the EXACT same ratio of races present that the general populace does, you are a RACIST, and a NAZI.
GOP: Hire whoever will work for the least amount of money, without being a whistleblower.
GAD: Just hire someone to get the job done. The color of a man or woman’s skin has very little to do with their job performance, unless their job involves being able to stand naked in front of various fleshtone- colored backdrops without being seen. If you are hiring people for a job like this, go ahead and be as racist as you want, you crazy nekkid-backdrop-camoflauger-person.


Censorship
This is a big issue to some people, and I would like to say that we here at the GAD feel that it is impor***The following text has been deemed a threat to national security, and so, under the PATRIOT act, it has been deleted. Thank you for your co-operation. We were not here, and you did not see anything.
-The US Government.***zzle. So, you can see quite clearly the stance that we are taking here.


DNC: We think tha***The following text has been deemed a threat to national security, and so, under the PATRIOT act, it has been deleted. Thank you for your co-operation. We were not here, and you did not see anything.
-The US Government.***so it is easy to see what that is.


GOP: Should you find yourself in a situation where the cer***The following text has been deemed a threat to national security, and so, under the PATRIOT act, it has been deleted. Thank you for your co-operation. We were not here, and you did not see anything.
-The US Government.***nd then call on your nearest congressman.


GAD: The GAD stands for thi***The following text has been deemed a threat to national security, and so, under the PATRIOT act, it has been deleted. Thank you for your co-operation. We were not here, and you did not see anything.
-The US Government.***d as such, won’t take no for an answer.


Literacy
S|_|P F00! \/\/3 b r0XX0r1ng j00r l4|\/|3 @$$!!! W00! L1t3r@$$y=t3|-| s|_|XX! pR0p3r gr4|\/||\/|4=t3|-| s|_|XX! L33t=T3|-|S|-|1ZZ! W00000!
Ok, how many of you understood that? How many of you have ever typed a thing like that? Hands up, come on. Good. Guards, shoot everyone that just raised their hand. Literacy is very important. Allowing children who do not know what they are doing, but think they do, (e.g. “script kiddie”) to use the internet for anything other than academic research is counterproductive to a literate society. Children typing (and on occasion speaking!) l33t is an evolutionary step in linguistics the same way losing opposable thumbs would be an evolutionary step for humans.


*note: opposing points of view are not available because our usual GOP and DNC reps both had to call in sick today because of the Chinese restaurant we all ate at yesterday.


GAD: Being retarded just IS NOT cool, no matter what your friends might tell you. Do everything in your power to be superior. If people give you **** about it, remember: someday they will work for you.