Thread: Political Manifesto

Good morning everybody! In light of all the serious political talk going on today, I thought I would lighten the mood with a little satire. The following posts (too long to fit in one) are from a SATIRICAL political manifesto I wrote during the last (2004) presidential election. Some of the topical stuff isn't as fresh, but a lot of it is still relevant.

disclaimer: it's a joke. don't read it and think for even one second that I mean any of it.

Vote Jockeys in 20XX!

Revised Party Platform v4.9.6

Salutations, American citizens
I am Possibly Presidential Candidate Jockeys, and as a man who is too young (and possibly too sexy) to run for the Presidency this year, I feel it is necessary for me to outline my party platform early, to avoid any confusion.


Our party, the GAD (Give A Damn) Party, is based largely on three principles:

1. Apathy and irony
2. Nothing better to do
3. Shut the **** up, next question

For your convenience, we have made the following reference with regard to our stance on various popular issues, and summaries of our opponents’ platforms. (GOP = Red States, DNC = Blue States) These are in no particular order of relevance or seriousness.


Abortion
We believe it is a baby’s right to choose its own destiny. While some babies work hard in dead-end jobs to put themselves through college in order to secure a brighter future, other babies are content to lay about moping. While we wish that every baby had progressive minds like us, we understand that some do not. We have come to grips with the fact that there will always be babies out there who want nothing more than to sit around listening to Alkaline Trio and bitching in their blogs about how awful middle-class life is, and how the cute fetus next door never notices them. Sadly, many of these babies choose to take their own lives, whether out of spite or in a misguided effort to get attention. If your baby is emo, you cannot legislate that away.


DNC: We hate babies
GOP: We hate minority babies
GAD: We hate you!


Welfare
Here at GAD HQ, there is always a fight to see who has to take out the trash. Why? Because there are swarms of bums around the dumpster out back, and they always beg you for money. While we do not mind people begging for money, (it seems cute when Girl Scout leaders parade their daughters around in a show of money-grubbing pastry-whoredom) we just cannot stand the lack of personal hygiene. It is our plan to pass a variety of bills that kill two birds with one stone: namely, preventing the poor from grossing the useful members of society out, and preventing the queers of makeover shows from sissifying them. To this end, we will inflict the Queer Eye crew on a new project… “Queer Eye for the Poor Guy” in which the crew will run around teaching to hobos to wax eachother’s assholes or something, I dunno. All tax dollars previously spent on welfare will go towards research on improving the quality of barbeque sauce. America cannot afford to have a barbeque sauce-gap when it comes to competing with Russia.


DNC: We should treat the poor as well as the rich. No, better!
GOP: **** THE POOR!
GAD: There is a living to make from being gay, let us teach the poor how to do it!


Campaign Reform
We here at GAD have not been ignoring the latest election. We are, to say the least, somewhat miffed by all the shenanigans and goings-on and such. We propose a Constitutional amendment that makes anything said during a campaign to be “under oath” and thus lying will be a felony. (Perjury) This is VP Candidate Fletch’s brainchild, and we love it. While we believe that we could, in fact, campaign just as well (or better) than the other guys the old fashioned way (slinging babies and kissing mud) we think it’s inefficient. In the future, candidates will post their views as I am doing now. If they are elected and fail to live up to their own promises, they will be fed to a crack team of highly trained rhinoceroses. Any candidate objecting to these rules will be dealt with by the hyenas, and I can guarantee that won’t be fun.


DNC: We will give you whatever you want, just vote for us!
GOP: We will give you whatever we want, just vote for us!
GAD: Rhinoceroses kick ass!


Crime
When you commit a crime, you get punished. We here at GAD do not see the difficulty in understanding this. Americans are granted immunity from cruel and unusual punishments, and we want to change this. Un-cruel and usual punishments do not seem to work, so we are going to try to be imaginative with offenders, in an effort to convince them that a life of crime is no good. Several of our constituents have offered up a variety of suggestions, ranging from catapult usage to compulsory participation in line dancing competitions; the latter being cruel, and the former being unusual. This, along with savage beatings administered by a former 3rd grade teacher name Ms. Mulkins, should solve the revolving door problem our current jails have. No more parolees wandering the streets, killing chickens in a murderous frenzy of poultry-fueled rage.


DNC: Crime is the fault of society. Criminals are innocent.
GOP: Crime is not wrong unless you get caught
GAD: Ms. Mulkins is really freaking scary, so you had better behave yourself, young man


Foreign Policy
No presidential campaign would be complete without a clever strategy for dealing with foreigners. Pretty much everyone finds the current methods of dealing with other countries unsatisfying. GAD, however, has a plan! The way we see it, foreigners basically serve three purposes:

1. To do all the crappy jobs we do not want to do
2. To devise clever consumer electronics
3. To make perplexing art films

As long as they limit themselves to these three activities, everyone is happy! So, all we need to do on the front of international diplomacy is restrict the rest of the world to these three activities. Think of how much nicer Sudan would be if the Sudanese spent all their time filming shows about the heartwarming tale of a plucky slave-girl who always defies the odds, instead of all this tiresome genocide business. If the French spent all their time taking tech-support phone calls, they would not have time to mock the British on a national level just for having more balls than they do.


DNC: Foreigners should run our country instead of us
GOP: Foreigners should be shot
GAD: Foreigners should stick to what they do best, namely, entertaining us


Gay Marriage
See Welfare.


Taxes
Ok, now the issue that everyone really cares about: MONEY. Personally, I am in favor of it. VP Fletch is also in favor of it, although he has remarked that it should be a little more colorful, and maybe embossed with cute, woodland creatures of some sort. Secretary of Something-or-Other-To-Be Jeff disagrees with him there, favoring instead the noble beaver or even the stalwart badger. I propose abandoning animals entirely, and instead demarcating currency with exciting geometric figures and tie-dye on the smaller bills. Additionally, the GAD is in favor of limited-edition collectors bills that have seasonal themes. Imagine paying for your next Slurpee® purchase with the Homies™ 5, the Jetsons™ 10-spot, or even the almighty Hummer® c-note. Money made from these corporate sponsors will be spent on programs to punish people who park inconsiderately at supermarkets.


DNC: Money exists to be taken from those who earned it and given to those who did not
GOP: Money exists for us to take from suckers
GAD: Money is boring and in need of a fabulous makeover!


Jobs and Outsourcing
This is something of a hot topic right now, so I would like to answer all of your questions by telling you about our stance on:
The Environment
If the GAD could stand for one thing, it would not be the environment. For one thing, there aren’t enough letters in the word. Nevertheless, we believe in the environment, that we do. We believe it is real, and we believe it is coming back. While many are content to simply sit back and await the second coming of the environment, we here at GAD believe its coming is at hand. The environment is among us, and IS us. While this position may not be popular with certain people-groups (scientists, mostly) we would like to respond by saying their mothers have weight and self-esteem problems.


DNC: The trees are more important than the people who cut them down. It is perfectly ok for protestors to beat up loggers who are just trying to feed their families
GOP: Trees… trees… OH! Doesn't Halliburton make those? We can give you a nice rate on them if you vote for us
GAD: Trees are EVERYWHERE. Moreover, someday a tree shall rise that possesses the power to shape the forest as he sees fit and free the other trees from the tyranny of the forest


Privacy
Many people are concerned about privacy. It has been our experience that the people most concerned about others peeping on them are nearly always the sorts of monstrously ugly people no one in their right mind would peep on anyway. Other, (less stupid) people are worried about online identity theft. It is my position that intelligent data-management techniques are adequate to provide this sort of protection, despite the fact that my campaign adviser is frantically waving at the teleprompter, which is displaying an advertisement for TheftProof™ credit cards. I am going to stick to offering helpful advice, though, because I loathe Amerimastevisa and their draconian billing policies. Lastly, many citizens are concerned about the government invading your privacy. Rest assured, only a few tiny groups of people are eligible, and you prolly are not in one of them. The people (ONLY people) we spy on are:
1) Terrorists
2) Suspected terrorists
3) People suspected of suspecting terrorists
4) Men with long beards
5) People wearing turbans
6) Foreigners
7) People wearing burkas
8) People in trenchcoats, unless they are cool looking
9) People who look suspicious
10) Anti-patriotic pop singers
11) Dark wizards (white mages will be left alone upon successfully demonstrating a healing spell level 3 or higher)
12) People with a decidedly untrustworthy air about them
13) Molemen
14) Hippies
15) Pretty much anyone wearing or possessing a beret of any kind, except the cool military ones
16) Everyone else
If you are one of the vanishingly small minorities that fall under these categories, we advise you stay out of airports and public places to avoid any unpleasant confrontations. If any strip searches or beatings occur, we cannot be held responsible if you are in one of these groups. Normal, wholesome, red-blooded, freedom loving Americans will not be detained. If you object to these rules, you must hate liberty and the American way of life. Go to hell.


DNC: Hippies make good politicians
GOP: Hippies are subhuman
GAD: Hippies smell bad!


Gun Laws
Our position on gun laws is simple. By making guns illegal we do nothing to prevent dangerous criminals from packing crappy low-caliber gats, and merely inconvenience all the rednecks who enjoy shooting sports such as LarkBlaster™, GrouseRampage™, ProBuck****er™, and also bubbas who want to compete on a professional level in the Great Annual Southern Pheasant Genocide™. The GAD party recommends that instead of pointless quibbling over which models and makes should be illegal, we simply make owning and carrying a gun legal for every law-abiding citizen over 21. This way, when someone decides to commit a gun crime about 100 other law-abiding citizens are on hand to shoot him where he stands, thus preventing future crimes. While there may be a period of initial adjustment, we feel that this is the most effective way to deal with gun crime. Additionally, our plan also helps alleviate drug problems because people spending all their money on substance abuse will have crappy, failure-prone weapons, and also they will prolly also be such terrible shots that they will be gunned down in an expedient fashion the first time they try to cause trouble. Happily, the overly liberal sissies will be either ill equipped or ill-prepared to deal with this sort of society, and True Americans will rule the day once again.


DNC: Guns transform the most boring, mundane, gentle people into slavering, homicidal serial killers. Only police should have them because somehow, they are smart enough to use them well and you are not.
GOP: Guns kick ass. We don't actually believe that, but we tell people that to make them vote for us.

GAD: The Great Annual Southern Pheasant Genocide™ kicks ass.


Social Security
There are many geriatric-Americans out there concerned about this. We think that is fine, because it gives them something to do, and goodness knows if they were not diverted by their so-called “outraged protests” over Social Security reform, they would be driving around in cars, undoubtedly causing massacres of ludicrous proportions.


DNC: Old people deserve all of the love and respect everyone else gets. By that, we mean take money from the young and give it to them
GOP: Old people should have invested wisely. Like we did
GAD: Old people drive worse than teenage girls using cell phones

The Separation of Church and State
Many people these days are concerned about the separation of church and state. We are glad to hear that, because most people are too apathetic to be concerned about stuff. We like to feel ways about stuff. The way we feel about separating churches and states is dubious. Eager to get a handle on this hot, exciting, new issue (as of 200 years ago) we got a team of religious and political specialists to study this. After nearly a year of hard research and nigh-limitless spending, they have reached the following conclusion: churches, although extant, frequently exist within states. To this end, we have determined that the vast majority of this fine nation is made up of states, which are, in turn, populated by churches. Imminent physicists have assured me that separating the two would cause not only a profound dearth of churches, but also most likely a bunch of empty lots in weird places. Several of our finest social planners have assured me that these empty lots would in turn be utilized almost immediately by pre-teens to play in. While we like the idea of giving children a place to play, we also have to take a long-range view of things. We see that eventually some other building would be built on each lot, whether it is a hubcap manufacturing plant or a strip club, thus causing a sense of loss and resentment in the children because they have to find new places to play. Noted child psychologists predict that this loss and resentment will eventually lead to an entire generation of disenfranchised sociopaths, who will, in all likelihood, kill each and every one of us in our beds as we sleep. In an effort to avoid having the nation’s collective throat slit with a small paring knife, we have come to the inarguable conclusion that separating churches from states will result in antiquucide. So there.


DNC: Churches are responsible for the inhibition of social progress
GOP: Churches are responsible for providing all of us with a moral compass
GAD: Do you really want your throat slit by a maniac who lost his playground as a child?


Racism
Racism is a problem that some people have. We here at GAD realize this. In all seriousness, it needs to be stopped. We actually have an effective plan to stop this. One that will work! After a lot of thought about this pressing matter, and a 3 day drinking binge that would have killed a lesser man, Presidential candidate Jockeys has the answer:


Make all racial references illegal.


Sound easy? It is, and it is not. Under our administration, anyone saying “you stupid white guy” or “who’s that black girl” will be punished. No one will any longer be allowed to refer to himself or herself by a racial designation. We will not have Latina-labeled music, and we will not have Hispanic demographics. If a person wishes, they may refer to their country of origin, e.g., “I am a French citizen” but may not do so unless they were born there. If your great grandparents immigrated to America from Germany, they were Germans. You are NOT a German-American. You are American. People born to dual-citizenship of any kind may claim heritage to the non-American country if they wish. Eateries serving exotic food will be clearly labeled as to their country of inspiration.
This will have the downside of eliminating any kind of ethnic pride. That is the cost of an end to racism. You cannot have pride in your Irish roots, go around dressed as a leprechaun on St. Patrick’s Day, and expect people to not notice and treat you accordingly. You cannot go around in flowing robes and a turban and expect people to treat you the same as a person in a suit. It is a FALSE ideal, and one that will never be realized. If you insist on dressing like a Zimbabwe tribesman or like the Canadian Mounties, guess what? People are going to give you **** about it. Get over it. If you want to be different, fine, but you are incurring the wrath and attention of everyone that is not the same as you. Paint yourself like a bull’s-eye if you have to, but do not bitch about being shot when you do.
If you have to mock someone, do not say, “I hate that Mongolian bastard, he slept with my sister!” It is rude and inappropriate. Say, “I hate that bastard, he slept with my sister!” Let us all work together to do our very best to ignore our different races, and treat each other the same. Most of the time if someone is racist towards you; it is not because of the color of your skin… IT IS YOUR CULTURE. So abandon that, and no one will have a problem with you. If you insist on having a unique culture, you are insisting that people discriminate against you. Maybe it should not be that way, but guess what? It IS. So deal with it.


DNC: White people are the enemy, and they suck.
GOP: Non-white people are ruining society, and they suck.
GAD: People are just people, dammit, and they ALL suck.


Capital Punishment
Capital Punishment is a big deal these days. The GAD is all in favor of Capital Punishment. Let me tell you, every time I get online and see some stupid script kiddies prattling on with such imbecilic phrases as “dUd3, l0l!” and “0h s|\|4p, mJ l33t h4XX0r b0x 1z 0n pH1r3!” it just makes me sad. I am all in favor of punishing these young people now, in the hope that they will someday learn to capitalize correctly. In addition, we favor Grammar Punishment and Spelling Punishment.
On a somewhat less relevant note, people are also concerned about the government killing certain criminals. My message to these criminals is this:


If you decide one sunny morning to go and shoot all the children on a passing school bus, you should not be surprised if the people who run the penitentiary you get sent to decide to do a little shooting of their own. You had it coming.


My new policy mandates that violent felons who qualify for the death penalty will not only be killed, but also will be killed in the manner they preyed upon their victims. Thus, an axe-murderer will be chopped up with axes; a serial-rapist will be sodomized to death, etc, etc. It is not that complicated. If you burn down an orphanage, expect a fiery death at the hands of the state.
For all you bleeding heart human rights activists who claim that violates the murderer’s rights: what about the rights of their victims? Didn’t they have rights too? Evidently not! So watch out. Under the rule of the GAD, any violent crime you commit against another person will be one less reason to keep you alive after your trial. The GAD is sick of taxing honest, hard-working Americans so we can pay to keep murderers alive and well-fed in cushy jails. For a bargain price of about 50 cents (cost for one round of low-end factory .45acp jhp) we can permanently solve the problem, so that’s what we’re going to do.


DNC: Killing people is bad. Oh, it is all right when repeat offenders on parole do it, but the state should never do it. When a felon with a shotgun is shooting at a police officer, the cop needs to use his Taser because that is more humane
GOP: Killing people is ok if they fulfill an arbitrary set of requirements
GAD: “Some people just need to be shot.” - Clint Smith


Tort Reform
This is a big problem right now. The American legal system is so clogged with frivolous lawsuits, it barely works. The system is sound, but it cannot handle the stress. Therefore, in an attempt to alleviate unnecessary lawsuits and criminal hearings, the GAD is proposing the following changes for:


Civil suits: If you file a civil suit against someone, beware. At the beginning of the trial, you will be given one last chance to drop charges. If you do not, and the other person wins, whatever you were suing him for, you must pay. This money will go to cover the other guy’s legal fees and court costs. Should there be an excess, it will go to a charity of some kind.
Liability suits: Manufacturers of products will only be held liable for failure of their products, not misuse. As long as a manufacturer provides clear directions, and the product follows their own guidelines, you will not be able to sue them when you use it wrong and hurt yourself. A good example is people that cannot drive and get into wrecks, or people that shoot themselves with a perfectly good gun because they are idiots. That is not anyone’s fault but their own. If someone files a suit anyway, and it is determined to be frivolous, see above rule. Keep in mind this could get expensive if you were suing a company for $20 million or something. You will NOT be allowed to declare bankruptcy if you lose.
Criminal charges: Similar concept. If you accuse someone of a crime, and they are proven innocent, you are in trouble. If it can be proven that you knowingly accused someone completely innocent, you will serve the sentence they would have gotten if proven guilty.
SLAPP suits: If a company is found to be waging a SLAPP war, any settlement they are seeking to be awarded to them will instead be awarded to the defendant, at the prosecution’s expense.


There will doubtless be a few years of adjustment during which people try to get away with a lot more than they should, but this will smooth out eventually, and our legal system can get around to dealing with cases that matter, instead of Jim-Bob suing Nabisco© because he put wet crackers in the toaster with a fork and electrocuted himself.


DNC: Lawsuits are awesome. If it were not for lawsuits, none of our candidates would have had jobs before their political careers.
GOP: Lawsuits are bad because they cost us a lot of money sometimes.
GAD: Lawsuits are usually stupid, and thus should be reduced to the few genuine instances of real need.


Animal Rights
Animal rights are very important to GAD. We believe that animals of all shapes and sizes should be afforded equal rights… to be eaten. Every animal, when we kill it, (and trust me, we WILL kill it!) deserves to be served in an equally delicious way. Whether braised, marinated, or even lightly toasted, each wonderful creature should have a chance to be a part of a spectacular display of culinary prowess. It’s unfair and discriminatory to spend all your time basting the plump Cornish Game-Hen you just sent to Game-Hen heaven and then completely ignore the humble (yet tasty) pheasant you shot on a dare out the window of your car at a stoplight; instead relegating it to the ignominious fate of being made into cold-cut sandwiches. That pheasant deserves to be rotisserie-roasted and served with a nice glass of cabernet. I wanna go shoot a cow.


DNC: Animals should never be killed, because life is sacred. Everyone should eat tofu.
GOP: Animals form the primordial soup of… uh, well, soup, basically.
GAD: Animals should all be equally delicious in the mouths of Americans.


Education
Many people are upset about education these days and it is not hard to see why. Children these days are practically retarded. Even the ones who have mothers that were blissfully free of prenatal drug abuse. Why is this, you ask. Rap music? VH1? The Home Shopping Network? Blue’s Clues? No, the problem lies in a modern education. It lacks all the hallmarks of a time-honored classical education. Kids today do not need to be reading Harry Potter and watching Anakin mope over Amidala, they need to be reading the Hound of the Baskervilles and watching “Reading Rainbow.” (That show is SO awesome) Children should not be fooling around with all this “Dick sees Jane run” bull****; they should be reading Homer and Dante, for goodness sake. If they spend all their time on silly primers, they will never be pushed to greater heights. Furthermore, children should not waste time mucking about with times tables. We remember spending most of our second grade year on that nonsense and we hated it. Children should be given razor-sharp straightedges and pointy compasses and taught to bisect angles and copy arcs… REAL MAN’S MATH! For all those people who are upset about their children being taught Creationism/Evolution, I have the following message: Evolution is a theory! Creationism is a theory! You know what? NEITHER ONE CAN BE PROVED SCIENTIFICALLY. Scientific proof requires experimentation and REPETITION! So unless your bio teacher plans to re-create existence during the 4th period lab, I’m afraid both sides are going to have to just shut up and take it with a grain of salt. Furthermore, I would like to condemn in the strongest possible terms the teaching of keyboarding to children. This does nothing but reinforce awful habits they will learn later in life, like using l33t when sending messages. I never use l33t. Do you know why? Because when I was a lad, we learned cursive, dammit, and we learned it with fountain pens. I even have a quill lying around somewhere. I would like to see today’s little bastards try to write with the elegance (and inky messes) of yesteryear!


DNC: Children should be taught with wonderful “open” forms or creative teaching! They should not be slaves to books and things like grammar and logic because those are discriminatory towards stupid children
GOP: Children should be educated in Young Republican education-camps we will be setting up all across the country
GAD: Children should be taught the things they need to know in life


Affirmative Action
For additional info, see: Racism
In all walks of today’s modern life, you are sometimes required to hire people of all races, colors, and creeds. That is so very wrong. Not the hiring of various people, on the contrary, that is just fine. The GAD supports the hiring of anyone who is qualified to do a particular job. We take issue with the “required” part. Affirmative action is nothing short of government- enforced corporate racism. We do not like racism. To that end, the GAD advocates removing Affirmative Action from every single occupation. Let people be hired based on whether they are good at their job or not. That is all there is to say about that. For all you folks out there that think a particular workforce should have demographic statistics that match the general population, I would like to see you try to enforce AA laws in either the NBA or the NHL. Yeah, good luck, you silly bastards.


DNC: If your office does not have the EXACT same ratio of races present that the general populace does, you are a RACIST, and a NAZI.
GOP: Hire whoever will work for the least amount of money, without being a whistleblower.
GAD: Just hire someone to get the job done. The color of a man or woman’s skin has very little to do with their job performance, unless their job involves being able to stand naked in front of various fleshtone- colored backdrops without being seen. If you are hiring people for a job like this, go ahead and be as racist as you want, you crazy nekkid-backdrop-camoflauger-person.


Censorship
This is a big issue to some people, and I would like to say that we here at the GAD feel that it is impor***The following text has been deemed a threat to national security, and so, under the PATRIOT act, it has been deleted. Thank you for your co-operation. We were not here, and you did not see anything.
-The US Government.***zzle. So, you can see quite clearly the stance that we are taking here.


DNC: We think tha***The following text has been deemed a threat to national security, and so, under the PATRIOT act, it has been deleted. Thank you for your co-operation. We were not here, and you did not see anything.
-The US Government.***so it is easy to see what that is.


GOP: Should you find yourself in a situation where the cer***The following text has been deemed a threat to national security, and so, under the PATRIOT act, it has been deleted. Thank you for your co-operation. We were not here, and you did not see anything.
-The US Government.***nd then call on your nearest congressman.


GAD: The GAD stands for thi***The following text has been deemed a threat to national security, and so, under the PATRIOT act, it has been deleted. Thank you for your co-operation. We were not here, and you did not see anything.
-The US Government.***d as such, won’t take no for an answer.


Literacy
S|_|P F00! \/\/3 b r0XX0r1ng j00r l4|\/|3 @$$!!! W00! L1t3r@$$y=t3|-| s|_|XX! pR0p3r gr4|\/||\/|4=t3|-| s|_|XX! L33t=T3|-|S|-|1ZZ! W00000!
Ok, how many of you understood that? How many of you have ever typed a thing like that? Hands up, come on. Good. Guards, shoot everyone that just raised their hand. Literacy is very important. Allowing children who do not know what they are doing, but think they do, (e.g. “script kiddie”) to use the internet for anything other than academic research is counterproductive to a literate society. Children typing (and on occasion speaking!) l33t is an evolutionary step in linguistics the same way losing opposable thumbs would be an evolutionary step for humans.


*note: opposing points of view are not available because our usual GOP and DNC reps both had to call in sick today because of the Chinese restaurant we all ate at yesterday.


GAD: Being retarded just IS NOT cool, no matter what your friends might tell you. Do everything in your power to be superior. If people give you **** about it, remember: someday they will work for you.

War
Huh! Yeah! What is it good for? The ECONOMY! Let us face it, apart from all the unpleasantness of blowing people up, wars are great for the economy, for technological development, and for patriotism. If it were not for that silly Kaiser getting himself shot, the commercial airline industry would never have been born. If Hitler had not invaded Poland, we would still be in the midst of the Great Depression. Without Vietnam, our pup-tent technology would never have advanced as far as it has. I could go on, but most of you are prolly already asleep. The point is, for the last century and then some, most of the major growth spurts in our economy have been directly related to wars that we are in. Now, this does not mean we should have wars for wars’ sake. There is a time and a place for war: in some other country that will not put up much of a fight. It is important that the residents of this country be despicable, so that Americans can unite in hating them, and that they have sufficient natural/strategic resources to make an invasion worthwhile. It wastes time fighting with tribes that throw rocks and use blowguns and whatnot; we need a reasonably well armed enemy so that the defense industry will be motivated to spend billions of dollars on R&D.


DNC: All wars are evil, and we should do what other countries tell us to in order to prevent them
GOP: Wars are awesome and we should start them frequently and without reason
GAD: Wars are useful when administered correctly, when we stand to benefit from them


Global Warming
Many people *coughALGOREcough* think that the world is going to meet its fiery demise very soon. They are idiots. The world has always had places that are too hot or too cold to inhabit, if the zone in between happens to shift a few meters north or south, what of it? That said, there are definitely a couple of factories that could be a little bit cleaner. The GAD stresses moderation in all things. We think industrial processes should be improved gradually over the years, but we do not think humanity needs to abandon all its technological accomplishments and go live in self-contained habitats like in BioDome. I mean, would YOU want to be stuck in a bubble with Pauly Shore?


DNC: The sky is falling! The sky is falling! Waaah! Vote for us!
GOP: Global warming is a lie. The world is actually getting colder, relatively. Vote for us!
GAD: Calm down, assholes. The world will not end until Chuck Norris says so.


Bipartisan Politics
Under our current system of politics, we pretty much have 2 main parties. Occasionally, other parties will crop up (like that idiot Ralph Nader) but are usually doomed to failure. The GAD thinks there should be many political parties. If there are enough political parties, and the seats in Congress are divided evenly enough, politicians will no longer be able to tow the party line without thinking, since that would result in a vote split a dozen ways, which accomplishes nothing. Instead, folks would have to start actually thinking about issues, and voting based on what they think, instead of just allowing themselves to be led by a highly corrupt and inefficient bureaucracy that fails to accomplish anything unless everyone is on “their team.” I’m actually in favor of abandoning political labels altogether and letting individual candidates do what I am doing here; that is, outlining THEIR beliefs and ideas, instead of just saying, “I’m with them” and then picking a party.


DNC: Our party is better.
GOP: No, OUR party is better.
GAD: Both of your parties suck, and have not been relevant to this country since well before anyone in the GAD was born.


Polygamy
If anyone is dumb enough to try and put up with 7 wives concurrently, I say we let him go right ahead and ruin his life… it’s none of our business how miserable he is. If a woman thinks she is hot enough to keep 3 guys faithful to her, she is welcome to try. The GAD believes in allowing people to make all sorts of stupid mistakes and then letting them learn from it, and this is no exception. As long as two or more people of consenting age sign a binding contract, they can do whatever they want. The GAD thinks that the government has got lots more important stuff to do (repairing parking meters, etc, etc.) than to waste much time and taxpayer dollars trying to dictate to our citizens how they should live in private.


DNC: People should get married however they want, to whatever they want, even houseplants.
GOP: If it is not ONE MAN and ONE WOMAN, then it is wrong, and God will SMITE you.
GAD: We SO do not care.


Genetic Engineering/ Stem Cell Research
Genetic engineering and stem cell research are making big waves in politics these days. There is a lot of potential to do some awesome stuff with this technology, but sadly, almost nothing cool is happening right now. First, we need to remove the restrictions that are preventing our scientists from making good progress in this field. Second, we need to make sure said research is directed properly. Right now, most stem cells are wasted on stuff like regrowing damaged tissue. What a crock. We should work on making it so people can grow a third arm or something. That would be awesome. In addition, all this business of mapping the human genome to find out which genes cause cancer is a waste of time. More people are killed in car wrecks anyway, why aren’t we finding the gene that causes people to suck at driving? The GAD believes that genetic research should lead to a better tomorrow. We do not define "better" to mean, “More sick people are kept alive somehow…” We think more along the lines of genetically engineering people to be sexier. That really would be a better tomorrow. Imagine it: a tomorrow where your children can look better than you do. After a few generations, the Global Human Hotness Quotient would exceed an average Wednesday night at Hefner’s house. Now THAT IS the kind of global warming that people want!


DNC: We have a moral obligation to mess with stuff we do not understand so that we can help the sick children in Africa. By that, we mean let multinational conglomerates patent all the useful medical research so no one except us can afford it.
GOP: Changing anything about humans is wrong. We were Designed this way and changing it will get you sent straight to hell. Period.
GAD: Wouldn’t be awesome if your girlfriend looked more like Chasey Lain and your boyfriend more like Ron Jeremy? Well, ok, maybe we are half-right. Still. Pretty cool, eh?


Filesharing
These days, there is a lot of fuss from the MafIAA about kids downloading songs and the like. Musicians are suing people indiscriminately, college kids are losing their tuition money, and the RIAA is going down like Monica. Obviously, something must be done to prevent further tragedy. The GAD has a simple proposal that will make everyone happy. (By that, we mean that pretty much everyone involved will be upset.) The solution is so simple; we are a bit surprised no one else has thought of it yet: abandon the physical sale of music. With things like the iTunes store et al, why would you bother with a physical object? Sure, some people might want to, but they can always use the digital object to create a physical one. The RIAA will have to adapt or be replaced. Problem solved.


*note: opposing points of view are not available because our usual GOP and DNC reps are on vacation and cannot be reached by telephone. Lazy bastards.


GAD: This is the future, people. Let us start acting like it!




National Security
Many people are worried about being attacked by terrorists and the like. I mean, obviously, that is the whole point of terrorism. To scare you. In our way of thinking, the only way to let the terrorists REALLY win is to let them **** up your lifestyle. Which is EXACTLY what most folks go and do, all the while claiming that anyone who opposes their liberty-infringing measures is, ironically, supporting the terrorists. No, jackhole, YOU are supporting the terrorist by giving him what he wants. The only way to overcome terrorism truly is to IGNORE it. Think about it. Even if 9/11 happened EVERY YEAR, it is still a drop in the bucket compared to people killed by:
1) War
2) Heart disease
3) Bad driving
4) Earthquakes
5) Tsunamis
6) Cancer
7) Etc. I could add to this list all day long before I got to terrorism. Why aren’t we declaring war on cholesterol? It kills thousands for every one person a terrorist manages to get. Clearly, people do not have their priorities straight.


DNC: Terrorists are scary; we should try to reason with them. Because it is perfectly sane to assume that I will be able to reason with someone who thinks my very existence is an insult to the deity he worships
GOP: Terrorists are scary and you should do exactly what we say or they will come and get you
GAD: Quit worrying about jihad and start worrying about that third BigMac® you are scarfing down.. Typing the word terrorist repeatedly totally sucks. Next subject!


Immigration
With all the concern about illegal immigration, the GAD feels obligated to step up and offer a solution: THERE ISN’T ONE. America has thousands (literally) of miles of borders. They have not been, will not be, and CANNOT be constantly watched. That is reality. If you catch an illegal immigrant, turn them in, fine, whatever. That is not doing anything about the other nine that you did not catch. Illegals serve a vital role in the economy whether we want to admit it or not, and they are not able to draw Social Security checks, so who cares? Some people are worried about their kids, but the GAD feels that the easiest way out of this is not to grant citizenship to newborns unless at least one of their parents can prove their own citizenship. Happy, everyone?


DNC: Illegal immigrants are more likely to vote Democrat. Let us offer unconditional amnesty
GOP: Illegal immigrants are more likely to vote Democrat. Let us throw the bastards out!
GAD: Who wants to pay their house cleaner minimum wage plus benefits? Hire an illegal for half price and SAVE!


Closing Remarks
Ladies, gentlemen, and other, gender-confused persons: I would like to offer you a heartfelt thanks on behalf of the GAD party, VP Candidate Fletch, Secretary of Something-or-Other-To-Be Jeff, Senior Advisor Grilliette, Chief Wookie Anderson, Possibly Someday First Lady Kristan and myself: Possibly Presidential Candidate Jockeys. Your time and attention are very much appreciated. We hope that you all have a wonderful day. Please stay tuned for future updates, because as this country gets more and more screwed up by the ongoing war between the hippies and the cowboys, we will have to work harder and implement more drastic plans to correct it. We have a vision of a more exciting, less boring America, and we would like you to be a part of it. Unless we hate you. Then you can go die for all we care.


DNC: The GAD goes too far!
GOP: The GAD does not go not too far enough!
GAD: We rock the casbah!

I don't want to be shot for trudging through the 1337! Curse my mild intellegence

That is a hoot!

Since I only text in full words and sentences, what is l33t?

Originally Posted by WireBeard

That is a hoot!

Since I only text in full words and sentences, what is l33t?

it's a subset of the english language that evolved on keyboards, rather than in spoken word. thus, it can't really be pronounced, it's used as a lazy form of typing for text messaging, irc channels and the like.

Originally Posted by jockeys

it's a subset of the english language that evolved on keyboards, rather than in spoken word. thus, it can't really be pronounced, it's used as a lazy form of typing for text messaging, irc channels and the like.

lazy!? i worked hard as hell trying to understand it!

Not being a USian, I don't get a lot of it. But I do agree with your foreign policy: Foreigners certainly do entertain me!!

lol Good one!

James.

I am serious. If you EVER run on this platform, let me know because I will vote for you. One lonely, tiny, high-pitched vote, but it's yours if you want it.