MY step-grandfather was wounded in WWII and had one hand permanently gnarled.He also bore a striking resemblance to Jack Elam in his older years.I can envision him saying any or all of these.

"A mule kicked Uncle Bob once. Broke his ribs. He punched it in the face.. My point? You have an ingrown f*cking toenail. Stop bitching."

“Yes I got him a gift. He had a kidney stone. You pee a rock through your pecker, you deserve more than just a pat on the f*cking back."

"I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. F*ck that. I'm old. I'm through moving shit."

"Son, no one gives a shit about all the things your cell phone does. You didn't invent it, you just bought it. Anybody can do that."

"Does anyone your age know how to comb their f*cking hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on your head and started f*cking."