Thread: A story of stress......

I`ve been a bit stressed of late, and a friend of mine told me to write it all down and read through it and it may help me to understand it. I did and here is my story;
Last week my soon to be wife (we get married in July) was diagnosed with MS. This was only the latest in a series of events that have shaken our lives over the past 2 years.
At the tail end of 2008, when the credit crunch hit I found my self out of work, (i was a ceiling fixer) and decided i would use my spare time to do some much needed renovations on the house. Our bedroom ceiling was badly cracked and sagging so being a ceiling fixer I pulled down the old ceiling to discover the reason the ceiling was sagging and cracking was because when our neighbour to the rear (its a back to back house) had a loft conversion, they not only built a stud wall on top of our bedroom ceiling, they threw all the waste and rubble onto my ceiling. The owner of the house lives at the other end of the country, and rents it through an agent. This made contacting him to sort all this out very difficult. At first he was very helpful and more than willing to get the problem delt with as quickly as possible, until he realised it would cost him money. We originally came to an agreement to simply pay half towards the costs as we both had a vested interest in the works. It eventually ended up with solicitors as it turned out this was something of a legal grey area. However we did get him to come back to our original agreement if I were to supervise the works and arrange everything, which was fine.
While this was going on we had moved in with my parents who are not the easiest of people to live with. We couldn`t watch Tv or at least not anything we would like to watch, nor could we sit in the kitchen and chat as our talking would distract them from the Tv, so we would lay in bed and be bored. This was THE lowest point in my life, I was suffering with depression, anxiety and exhibiting some very strange behaviour. I constantly felt scared and paranoid i find it very hard to describe my feelings from this period, My thoughts truly were not my own, i can only describe the feeling i get from the memories of this period as from the point of view of a passenger, sitting seep at the back of my brain watching some one else control my actions. But the one moment of clarity i had was when i asked the woman who looked after and cared for me to be my wife. Her support had been the one constant in my life and i will forever be truly grateful for that.

In early 2009 while we were still at my parents my partner lost her job and had to start looking for a new one. It was then that MS first reared its ugly head in the form of Optic neuritis, this left her almost blind in one eye for a month or so (thank god its recovered fully now). Shortly after her eye recovering and her returning to work, we moved back into our house. And things seemed to be on the up. At this point i still could not find a job so we decided i should go back to education. Never having achieved well in school knew i would struggle to get into college or university. However a chance conversation with a friend who suffers from dyslexia led me to believe that maybe i had it to, so i went off for a test. As it turns out I’m severely dyslexic (thank god for spell check) this made me very angry and brought back a LOT of bad memories about school, and has affected my relationship with my patents. But it has given me the confidence to throw off the stigma of being “thick and lazy” and to prove my self.
By the time September came along It seemed our life was improving, the Mrs had found a job she enjoyed and i had found my self a part time job and a place on a college course that would prepare me for uni. While very daunting i relished the challenge before me, and was looking forward to proving my self. And for the first few months while hard work i enjoyed it, I had me good friend and found the subject matter of the course riveting, My partner and i were once again starting to see how our life could be happy and fulfilling however in early November the first cracks would appear in what would turn out to be the landslide that would crush us once again crush our hopes.>
Her sisters were both involved in violent and abusive relationships, and split with there partners, and turned to us for support. We willingly gave this. The older of the two sisters was heavily pregnant and due to give birth in December and asked my partner to be her birthing partner. I myself have 9 nephews and nieces so the novelty has worn off but was looking forward to a small child to spoil and play with My partner however was very very excited, it almost seemed as if she was the mother. When the birth came there were many complications, and for 64 hours we had a beautiful niece, however the stress and damaged caused during the birth meant that she was not strong enough to go on.
My partner was heartbroken by this and blamed her self for the death of the child. As i`m sure you can imagine this was stressful enough, but the actions of my mother in law made things all the more unbearable, she was interfering with the arrangements for the funeral, and causing untold extra grief for my poor sister in law. The after math from this left my partner in the middle having to pass messages between her sisters and her mum, yet getting no support in return. Even though she had been there at the birth and had taken it as if she had lost her own child her family was not there for her. At the time i was sitting exams and was buried in a tidal wave of coursework. I had to catch up on as a result of all the time off i needed due to the death. Of course i was there to support her and i tried to take up the slack with the house work and such like but having some one you love who is truly inconsolable no matter what you do to try and help them is so very very hard and tiring.
The stress from this brought on what we now know was another relapse of MS my partner became very hyper sensitive in her legs and the lower half of her torso, the sensation would move and chance but she was in constant pain. The doctors were at a loss as to what it may be this really broke my partner down emotionally and she became very scared of what life would hold, “would she be able to walk again” “would I have to wipe her arse and spoon feed her” were some of our biggest fears, to try and help her emotionally by giving her something to look forward to and to take her mind off things i said we should get married we had planned to get married after i finished uni but i wanted to put something good into our lives, something we could enjoy here and now.
However my partner couldn`t cope with the extra stress or searching for venues and budgeting and such like, so i too this on, i would short list 3 or 4 options and present them to her and we would go and look together, this she really enjoyed and seems to have helped her deal with things. However it did add a whole lot onto my plate along with being an “emotional crutch”, refurbishing my house, working 16 hours a week and going to college full time, I now had a wedding to plan.
We had visited a consultant to try and deal with the pain my partner suffered and he began making noises about MS. This was some what of a relief as we now had some idea what we were dealing with rather than just pain. When we told the mother in law about this she began causing many many issues, trying to contact the consultant, to ask for copys of his notes, calling every 2 or 3 hours, “just to check” sending random emails with links to MS related articles and sites. It got to the point where i had to be the go between for her 3 daughters and the mother in law as she had upset all three so badly in one way or another.
We are now in the process of buying a house so that we can enjoy life a little more before my partners condition deteriorates. At the thought of that tears are starting to roll down my face. While i look forward to moving house i know that this is another stress full situation i need to protect my partner from and take on my own shoulders, to add to that stress we will be renting our existing property out that still needs alot of work doing to it. And all before September. I just don`t know where i will find the time.
Has any one dealt with any or all of the things mentioned above or can they offer any advice?


Ian.

I'm sorry to hear about the hard times you are having. I am sorry that your partner was diagnosed with MS. A very close friend of mine has MS. She is only 34 years old and was diagnosed three years ago. Her condition started with the optic nueoritis(sp). She has since had flare ups about every 6 months similar to the things you describe. Severe exhaustion, numbness in her legs and more pain/vision issues in her eyes. From what she has told me, it is very important to get on steroids as soon as these flare ups happen. I am not a doctor, but that is the advice she has been given by her doctors.

With that said, it is 2010 and she leads a happy, relatively health life with her partner. The only time she has trouble is during these flare ups and they are relatively rare.

I honestly think that you both need to stay strong and realize that this is a punch to the gut, but not a knockout blow. Keep up your education, be there for each other and make sure that you are grateful for all the good things that you do have.

That is all I can say...I hope this helped just a little bit.

Ian,

It sounds like you have had a crazy past couple of years. I can relate to the MS as my wife was originally diagnosed with it about a year and a half. Later on after going to a specialist we found out it is a different disease called called NMO or Neuromyelitis Optica. The main difference is that MS affects the Brain and NMO only attacks the spinal cord and optic nerve so if you partner has had an MRI and knows the location of the lesions that is something to look at.

NMO is misdiagnosed as MS almost 99% of the time and sometimes is never properly diagnosed. If your partner would like to talk to someone please PM me and I can pass along my wife's email as she said she would be willing to pass along any information she has.

Ian my heart goes out to you and your fiancé. I don't know what to tell you beyond hang in there. That quote by Plato at the bottom of my sig was meaningful to me because I believe it to be true. I've been at AA meetings where it was said that if everyone threw their problems in the middle of the floor and was able to sort through them and choose they would take their own back. I think there is a lot of truth to that so know that you are not alone. I'll say a prayer for you both and I'm sure others will too. Wishing you and yours well from here on out.

Thanks Troggie,
Interestingly the Consultant said that if he were to be technical he would have to say it would be an "undiagnosed neurological disorder" as the MRI scan on her brain and her spine have come back clear, however for the purposes of insurance and claiming benefits and such like, he has diagnosed her with MS as all the symtoms she exhibits are the same, and the way it has responded to treatment is the same, so for all practical purposes it is MS.

How did you find having to look after her? and how did she take it?
I hop you don`t mind me asking.

Our prayers go out for you. I too have lost my job recently. I too am starting school on monday. I too have had some housing issues. I have had some luck in the fact that I haven't had to move as my parents have wholeheartedly made it a point that I could not live with them even temporarily. Just remember you have many friends in this world. Many of them you have yet to realize how well they can and will support you. Sometimes I find that just bringing things out in the open, like you are doing, is exactly what you need. If you ever just need someone to vent to please pm me I can't do much from this far away, but I'll listen.

Sent you a PM Ian for the more personal information.

With it being currently just an optic nerve issue it is hard to say if it is NMO or MS as they both can affect that area. There is another test to find markers in the spinal fluid through a spinal tap to really find out what it is but if she is responding well to the treatment I would wait. Both have the same treatment anyway and is a very similar disease process just that MS primarily affects the brain and optic nerve and NMO ( also called Devics) only affects the spinal cord and optic nerve.

We will keep you and your fiance' in our prayers. Your friend gave good advice on putting things down on paper and looking them over, And I think it was brave of you to share them here. I grew up with a learning disability and had dyslexia when I was younger.
I have also dealt with depression and thoughts of suicide since early grade school I'm 33 now and just started talking to my Mom, Dad and Wife about my problem last year. Then I started going to a Professional counselor. This has helped quite a bit and the main thing has been just identifying what caused the depression. So writhing every thing down helps identify the problems and gives you a known issue to work on, And like GI Joe said Knowing is half the battle. Keep talking to people you are comfortable with about your progress and struggles, You have already started taking the right steps to overcome things and just need to keep taking those steps. How ever long the journey may be always know you are not alone.

Dear Ian,
My heart goes out to you and your fianceé. I too have a diagnosis of M.S., with a clear MRI that originally started with optic neuritis.

One neurologist explained to me that the label applied to any of these neurological disorders really isn't important. When symptoms intrude too far into one's life, they are all treated the same: either high dose steroids like Prednisone or anti-metabolites like Methotrexate.

The important thing to remember is that no one can predict the progression of a disorder like M.S. Take life a day at a time. Let go of the past, don't worry too much about the future but cherish the present. It's called that because it's truly a gift.

I met the love of my life when I was in college. When we realized we were falling in love she came to my dorm room to share something with me. She had been diagnosed with a rare hereditary disorder called NF2. NF2 causes benign tumors to grow anywhere in the central nervous system, which could result in paralysis, blindness, deafness and death. Some super specialists at the National Institutes of Health told her she had a very severe case of NF2 and could not expect to live past the age of 40. A clarity came over me and I immediately told her what was in my heart. "One day or a hundred years, it doesn't matter. I want to spend that time with you."

It took us a while to get past all the challenges we both faced separately. I finally moved close to her shortly after her 30th birthday with plans of marriage. A few good years together would have been enough for us. Sadly, it wasn't to be. Just three weeks after I moved in her neurosurgeon told her she had a rapidly growing tumor on her brain stem and this one was inoperable. She died just six months later.

I share this sad story with you just to let you know that no matter how difficult the challenges you and your fianceé may face, life goes on. The depression I suffered over the death of my beloved eventually lifted and I lived to love again.

One important detail you and your love need to keep cognizant of is that multiple sclerosis is not a fatal disease. I'm going to repeat that. Multiple sclerosis is not a fatal disease. It's challenging, it's frustrating, it's confusing and so much more. But you and your love will be able to adapt and meet all of those challenges. Trust your heart, Ian. And encourage her to trust hers. Together the two of you can have a beautiful meaningful life, come what may.
Much love,
Morty -_-