What’s Killing You? A Misanthrope’s Top Ten List. (American Edition)

I just love top ten lists and what better topic than what’s killing us Americans? (And no, it’s not Osama) All data is supplied by the whacky bean counters and The Centers for Disease Control.

Before diving into the top ten, lets take a look at a few honorable mentions, shall we?

At number 15, it’s homicide with 17,800 murders. Most of them were probably asking for it if you want my opinion on the sub.

At number 12, it’s Chronic Liver Disease! Let’s drink to 27,500 deaths. Cheers.

At number 11- Suicide. 31,500 souls proved that the person most likely to kill you is you.

Now we turn to the big boys. The masters of disasters. The top ten killers of Americans…

10. Septicemia. Wow, that’s a let down, ain’t it? 34,000 lethal infections. Peroxide anyone?

9. Nephritis and nephrosis. Boring!

8 Um… I forget, Oh, yeah, Alzheimer’s disease. 63,500 people dead who didn’t even know it.

7.Influenza and pneumonia. 65,000 dead people who could’ve died of something else if they had only gotten their shots.

6. Diabetes. Dessert anyone? 74,000 deaths.

5. Accidents. Hey, let’s be careful out there. 109,000 deaths- the top five of which are:
1. Motor vehicles
2. Firearms
3 Poisoning
4. Falls
5. Suffocation
Or, if you are the Evil Monk Rasputin, all five…

4. Chronic lung diseases. Emphysema and such. 126,000 deaths. Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.

3. Cerebrovascular disease. 158,000 had a thrombo.

2. Malignant neoplasms. What you call cancer. And the biggest killer cancer? Lung cancer. Welcome to Marlboro country! Other popular cancers include Prostate & breast (but rarely together) and Colon & Retum. (often together).

And Numero Uno, it’s Heart disease with 685,000 dead. You want fries with that?

So, what does this all mean apart from the fact that I’m carrying on like a real asshole? Well, it means our mothers were right. We should go outside for some fresh air. We should buckle up for safety. Cigarettes will stunt our growth. And sometimes asking for seconds is just plain gluttony.

Take care everyone. Let’s not make it easy for the reaper.

LG Roy