Thread: What's killing you? A top 10 list

What’s Killing You? A Misanthrope’s Top Ten List. (American Edition)

I just love top ten lists and what better topic than what’s killing us Americans? (And no, it’s not Osama) All data is supplied by the whacky bean counters and The Centers for Disease Control.

Before diving into the top ten, lets take a look at a few honorable mentions, shall we?

At number 15, it’s homicide with 17,800 murders. Most of them were probably asking for it if you want my opinion on the sub.

At number 12, it’s Chronic Liver Disease! Let’s drink to 27,500 deaths. Cheers.

At number 11- Suicide. 31,500 souls proved that the person most likely to kill you is you.

Now we turn to the big boys. The masters of disasters. The top ten killers of Americans…

10. Septicemia. Wow, that’s a let down, ain’t it? 34,000 lethal infections. Peroxide anyone?

9. Nephritis and nephrosis. Boring!

8 Um… I forget, Oh, yeah, Alzheimer’s disease. 63,500 people dead who didn’t even know it.

7.Influenza and pneumonia. 65,000 dead people who could’ve died of something else if they had only gotten their shots.

6. Diabetes. Dessert anyone? 74,000 deaths.

5. Accidents. Hey, let’s be careful out there. 109,000 deaths- the top five of which are:

1. Motor vehicles
2. Firearms
3 Poisoning
4. Falls
5. Suffocation
Or, if you are the Evil Monk Rasputin, all five…

4. Chronic lung diseases. Emphysema and such. 126,000 deaths. Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.

3. Cerebrovascular disease. 158,000 had a thrombo.

2. Malignant neoplasms. What you call cancer. And the biggest killer cancer? Lung cancer. Welcome to Marlboro country! Other popular cancers include Prostate & breast (but rarely together) and Colon & Retum. (often together).

And Numero Uno, it’s Heart disease with 685,000 dead. You want fries with that?

So, what does this all mean apart from the fact that I’m carrying on like a real asshole? Well, it means our mothers were right. We should go outside for some fresh air. We should buckle up for safety. Cigarettes will stunt our growth. And sometimes asking for seconds is just plain gluttony.

Take care everyone. Let’s not make it easy for the reaper.

LG Roy

What would be really interesting would be to see how the demographics break down by region.

Originally Posted by Library Guy

8 Um… I forget, Oh, yeah, Alzheimer’s disease. 63,500 people dead who didn’t even know it.

This is actually quite tragic if you've ever heard of how the disease progresses toward mortality. Is it evil that I still laughed out loud?

X

5. Accidents. Hey, let’s be careful out there. 109,000 deaths- the top five of which are:
1. Motor vehicles
2. Firearms
3 Poisoning
4. Falls
5. Suffocation
Or, if you are the Evil Monk Rasputin, all five…


Thats too big a catagory to be lumped together...there should be breakdowns. Funny list though.

Originally Posted by xman

Is it evil that I still laughed out loud?
X

Evil? No. Human? Very. Not less than six months ago I watched my mother die of liver failure, #12 from the list.

There is no good way to die. Only good ways to live. It is better to laugh than to cry. Better to cry than to throw priceless antiques at brick walls.

gently,
LG Roy

Originally Posted by Library Guy

Evil? No. Human? Very. Not less than six months ago I watched my mother die of liver failure, #12 from the list.

There is no good way to die. Only good ways to live. It is better to laugh than to cry. Better to cry than to throw priceless antiques at brick walls.

gently,
LG Roy

I always liked that line from the shaw shank redemption it goes something like: "better get busy livin, or get busy dyin..."

No one gets out alive.

Originally Posted by wopmanfixit

No one gets out alive.

Another funny story:
Some months ago after my cat died (cancer) the Mrs. and I were on a city bus with the empty cat carrier on a go-see for somebody who couldn't look after theirs any longer. The cat didn't appear to like us and took off as soon as we were in sight and didn't return till after we left.

The carrier itself reads "Hello My Name Is Zack". Our cat was not named Zack but Zack was waaaaaaay too big for it so I traded the owner for our bigger carrier as our cat was quite small.

On the way to the go-see a mentally challenged bus rider came up to us and asked who was in the pet carrier, a dog or a cat. I explained that it was empty and where Zack was in a bit too much detail for the increasingly confused animal lover. When we got off the bus I got a small lecture from the Mrs. about how I should have just said Zack wasn't around any more or some such thing and left it at that. "Perhaps she's right", I thought to myself at the time.

Ironically, on the bus on the way back another mentally challenged individual came inquiring about Zack. I took her advise and simply said, "It's empty. Zack isn't with us any more". It was instantly obvious how this sounded as the beaming smile left the second animal lover's face and they replied, "Oh that's too bad". That was the moment my inner imp took over, covered my face in what can only be described as a $π!+ eating grin and I proclaimed glowingly, "Well, the sweet release of death comes to us all"!

The clearly unsettled innocent victim of my macabre outburst slunk down uncomfortably in their seat while I waited for an even more intense lecture from the wife for the second event. It never came. When we got off the bus she broke out laughing, knowing that it was half her fault in the first place for making her suggestion.

X

I had a friend who died three years ago of cancer at age 33. He had an ulcer that healed but without any follow up turned into stomach cancer after a few years. By the time our Canadian free medical care system diagnosed his year long health problems it already spread to his liver and lungs. He was dead within two months of the diagnosis.

In his off hours he was a basketball coach for local kids, did not smoke or drink and was very slim. He was definitely not a glutton. So, I found it ironically cruel to have him felled in the prime of his life by stomach, lung and liver cancer.

My aunt's late husband used to say: "If you don't drink and don't smoke then you'll die healthy and that will be a real waste"

Guess he had a point.

Originally Posted by Library Guy

Evil? No. Human? Very. Not less than six months ago I watched my mother die of liver failure, #12 from the list.

There is no good way to die. Only good ways to live. It is better to laugh than to cry. Better to cry than to throw priceless antiques at brick walls.

gently,
LG Roy

Well I can come up with ONE good way to die... One of those painless heart attacks in the middle of an orgasm with a good looking woman. You leave the world with a smile on your face