This smoking ban thing is getting out of hand. I no longer smoke cigarettes, instead enjoying my pipe tobacco, but have no issue with smoking in public or in privately-owned establishments. It just irks me to no end every time I read of yet another example of local, state, or federal governments over-stepping their bounds and trampling on our rights to make free choices as free-willed adults, and instead treating us like prattling children

While I understand the negative health ramifications associated with smoking, I believe it is our right as a free populace to let our minds and wallets decide what is best. I can understand that someone may not want to bask in the lingering smoke of a Marlboro or Camel, of an Oliva, or of some Dunhill Nightcap while they are trying to appreciate the subtle nuances of their swordfish, lobster, or Filet Mignon. I can even begrudgingly support no smoking in restaurants - and even in bars while the kitchen is open.

With that said, since the beginning of time, smoking and drinking have gone hand-in-hand. When we go to a bar, we are going to an establishment where we can drink, swear, bitch about politics, ogle members of the opposite sex in a very animalistic manner, and even to take our conquest home for the evening without heed of the uncomfortable morning to follow. We are voluntarily engaging in activities that are dangerous, unhealthy, and on the fringe of social acceptance to begin with.

For those that do not wish to be exposed to such nefarious on-goings, the solution is simple: Do not go to those places. Let your wallet do the talking. If there is really such disdain for these locals of ill repute, and they suddenly become vacant caverns populated by only a scant few degenerates, then they will no longer be able to keep their doors open.

For those that do not wish to attend these places, there are countless establishments awaiting to take your hard-earned money to provide you will gallon after gallon of your favorite elixir. You need not go to that dank, dark, smoke-filled bar my uptight friends. You can pickle your liver in the comfort of your home from the comfortable confines of your couch. You need no longer stand to consume your favorite libation. Gone are the days of languishing at a backless chair next to some overly loquacious older gentleman who is attempting to solve all of the world's problems one whiskey at a time. No more waiting in line to relieve yourself of the three pitchers of Coors Light you just wailed back.

Rejoice! For you can enjoy all of the pleasures you seek in the confines of your own slice of paradise. You can pee whenever, and possibly wherever you like. You can drink whatever you choose - and at a far reduced cost I might add. You can recline comfortably on your couch or in your favorite chair.

So leave the bars. Leave them to never come back. Leave the dark recesses of the pubs, taverns, and inns. Leave them to the degenerates who you so openly and unabashedly loathe. Let them wallow away their time in an environment that provides them with a sense of belonging and social interaction, and allows them the opportunity to meet like-minded, unscrupulous characters with whom they will spend their hours talking, laughing, singing, even crying - like the completely mad men and women that they are.

Why would you ever want to expose yourself to such a variety of unpredictable characters? Please, for all that is good and holy, protect yourselves. Stay safe. Stay home. And leave the bars to us sailors, prostitutes, braggarts, barbarians, and sadists. I will gleefully join them. With a drink in one hand and a smoke in the other, I would happily toast to the freedom of choice, to democracy, and to free enterprise.

I have but one last question for my pious friends: If there was such a demand by the people and by the restaurant industry for non-smoking establishments, why were they not in existence before the bans were put into place?