Thread: Blast From the Past-Ask Dr Spendur from Horace B.

First let me say that some unknown entity tried to destroy my reputation with some scurrilous remarks about me which are all untrue. I want all of you to know I am a graduate of a first class medical institution and have been giving advice to people with problems for many years now. I would think the individual who wrote that is probably some poor soul who earns his blood money by selling supplies to wet shavers and is just trying to get back at me. I would disregard all that he said.

So on to today’s plea for help.

Dear Dr Spendur:

I have been shaving with a straight razor for 3 years now and have accumulated over 200 razors. I am proud to say I have always kept them razor sharp and shave ready with my trusty Norton 4K/8K combo. Last month I went to one of these shaving conventions and saw before me all these rocks laid out on the table. Why there were rocks from every corner of the globe in every imaginable size and shape and in every color of the rainbow. Why I had no idea. I observed how they were used and how maybe my razors were not as sharp as I thought. On the way home from the convention something took hold of me. I broke out in a sweat and began to have hot flashes. I couldn’t get these hones out of my mind. I had to have them no matter the cost. Some were so expensive I had to pawn all my wife’s jewelry to afford them. Then I had to sell my new BMW and am driving around in a vintage Ford Pinto. Now I have started to rob banks to get the money. I found myself daydreaming at work about my hones and would bring some with me and would fondle them all day. People looked at me strangely and gossiped about me and my boss fired me. I can’t get another job. I can only think about my hones and which to get next. I even had to sell my best friend, my dog because the money for his food could go to buying more hones. Someone told me to go to some remote area in Africa to find the ultimate hone. I sold my house and packed up after divorcing my wife and selling my kids and am about to leave on my expedition.

Do you think I should take a plane or a boat?

Horace B.


Dear Horace B:

I’m afraid you have more to be concerned about than whether to take a plane or a boat.

Why look at your life, it is in total shambles. You have made the transition from a happy well adjusted family man who was a highly productive member of society to an unemployed criminal and miscreant. Yes, you couldn’t leave well enough alone with the one hone you have. You made the mistake of attending that convention which is really like going into a den of devil worshippers who prey on an alter of straight razors and hones and flog themselves into submission with their strops.

Why look at you sick existence. If I were you when I get to Africa I would find the nearest Lion and offer myself up to him for dinner. You are too far gone for even me to help.

You see the sweating and hot flashes indicate you spent too much time at shave prep with too many hot towels on your face and too much time in a hot shower which destroyed and altered too many regions of your brain. The multitude of rocks of all sizes and shapes and colors made you realize you were coming apart piece by piece and the thought your razors might not be so sharp shows how inadequate you feel you are as a human being. Your foray into crime shows your journey into depravity which all straight razor users also descend into. Your divorce from your wife and selling your children just go to demonstrate how you really feel you do not need human companionship any more relying on your shaving gear to provide comfort to you. Yes you are married to your razors and hones. You even have no pity for your beloved pet. Your only thought is getting to Africa to acquire more hones and the reason you are considering a boat is so you can bring back the tons of material which would probably cause the plane to crash which would end your pathetic existence.

There is only one hope, first get to the nearest volcano and throw all your shaving gear into it in an act of contrition. Then go off and become a monk devoting the rest of your life to eliminating this wet shaving scourge from the earth. Only when every man uses a Gillette or an electric razor can you rejoin society.

Good luck.
Dr Spendur.

I got an E-Mail from Horace B after all this time. It seems he was transporting his 2 tons of hones from Seoul to some transit point in S Korea and the hones shifted causing the ship to roll and sink. He barely escaped with his life and as he went down for the 3rd time a vision came to him. King Gillette came to him and said he was on the warpath against all straight shavers and he was the first. Just then a 200lb 36x64 perfect blue escher hit him on the head.

When he got out of the hospital he realized the error of his ways. He's now back with his wife and bought his kids back and even his dog. He works at the Rock of Ages Quarry in Vermont cutting stones. He wonders if that material would make a good.....